Madness is overtaking my life...

[jencrazywith2]

Okay, so I know it is not REAL madness, but bipolar disorder is beginning to feel like it is overtaking my life. Up and optimistic one minute and overwhelmed and down a few minutes later. I wish these were simple highs and lows, the fluctuation of a "normal" life... Excited about a new plan one day - fully on board and a little pessimistic after the reality sets in (I wish)! Lately for me, this is what it looks like...

I don't sleep enough, so I am always tired - exhaustion seems to fuel the emotional roller coaster, but sleep does not come easily - I can stay awake through a dose of OTC sleeping pills. So I start me emotional roller coaster "view" at 6:30am when the alarm clock goes off for the children to go to school... I am awake, sitting at my computer. I am too exhausted to drive, I am usually down, but not severely down. If I have something I have to do, I dread it - leaving the house causes severe panic! Sometimes I will want to do the task, but that will not last long...

Where the day goes from here is up to bipolar "fairies". They could grant me a mediocre day, not severe highs and lows or the could place the worse day on my shoulders. A mediocre day is as "normal" as I get, these are the days I do not go anywhere, I try to take a nap and I try to spend time on here. The "worse day" is me manically planning or playing games, shopping with money I do not have, leaving the house with a smile, and suddenly out of no where the veils fall. I see darkness, I get sad instantly, I cry at the drop of a hat, everything seems hopeless, I have no idea what I am doing - sometimes I even forget what I was doing...

The cycle can continue once, or twenty or more times a day... When it only happens once or twice, I am "OK" - when it happens a dozen time, i know MADNESS is ruling my life! I am trying to pursue medical treatment and medication - I know I need it, but I am hitting brick walls. Roadblocks and red tape keep hitting me full force, more stress that is making the cycles worse. Can I scream, will it ever be NORMAL, is this the life I am destined to have? Okay I have an intake appointment on November 18th, from there it will likely be another month before I can see a psychiatrist... Just survival, another day, a deep breath, try to remember the kids are here, sleep and survival...