And I thought I'd already hit rock bottom...

[SomebodyElse]

I have come to the conclusion that my marriage has fallen apart right in front of me and I didn't really realize it until today.

My husband hasn't necessarily done anything wrong, and neither have I, but it's been soooo long since he's done something *RIGHT* that I think that part of my heart has slowly withered away. Today, with the help of a therapist, I came to the realization that everything that has gone wrong in the last month for me can be tied back to the same pattern of behavior. And that pattern is doing things in order to get attention and love and validation.

The sad thing is, I'm not getting that from the person who is supposed to be the love of my life and the pedestal that holds me up. So I've started doing things... big things... like changing into a high-stress career with terrible hours just to get the validation of "doing a good thing". I've taken on task after task that I shouldn't have taken on just to get the love/validation of the people for whom I'm doing those tasks. Worst of all... By far, worst of all, I have started trading emails and planning lunch dates with men that I'm meeting on the internet. I'm being very clear with these men that I'm married and have no intention whatsoever of having any kind of physical relationship with them. But isn't having an emotional relationship with them almost worse?

Should the highlight of the week for me have been a complete stranger telling me I'm pretty and that my husband is a lucky man and that he wishes we could have more than just a friendship, but he'll take what he can? And yes, I know it's a total line... I'm not a moron... He's trying to get in my pants... But someone wants to get in my pants... That any of these guys haven't taken one look at me and gone running has been a huge boost for me, too. And that's just plain sad.

Is this just a "seven year itch" come 10 years late? Maybe. I'm definitely feeling mid-life crises-y. But doesn't that happen for a reason?

I don't expect he'll change. I mean, he's NEVER been romantic. He's never taken the helm in our relationship. That's ALWAYS been my job. Is it fair for me to change the rules almost 20 years in because I've finally reached the bottom of my love well?

Can I possibly live like this, though? I feel like there is this big dead spot inside of me. I feel like when he touches me I'm lying to him. I feel like now that I know what it would take to make me happy, and that it's not something I have here, I'll never be the same again. My self-esteem, and self-worth, and satisfaction with life are soooo completely down at the bottom right now, I just don't know how to recharge them.

We're going to see a couples counselor. He can't figure out why. He knows I'm unhappy - I've suffered from depression for years. However, he's made no effort to help me other than to "be there" and get out of my way. (Yes, they kind of contradict... but sometimes he'll say "Let me know if I can help." and other times its "You do what you need to do.")

He knows to some degree about the other guys, too. I asked him if I could have lunch with one in particular and he said fine. What? Really? I basically asked to start dating strange men from the internet and he said "OK". He laughed and asked if he could do the same and I said NO, and he said fine. At the very least, shouldn't he be concerned for my safety?

That's really it. Complacency. He's fine with whatever as long as it's not too much work or doesn't cost too much money. He'll go where he's told and do what I ask as long as I give explicit instructions... "I need more romance!" Bad "On Tuesday next week, please go to the grocery store and get me flowers from the floral department. They have these mini bouquets for 3 for $12 so it won't set you back too much and it would make me happy." Good. He completely lacks ambition of any kind. His drive (sex, career, whatever) is GONE. But he never had much to begin with.

You know what drew me to him? He was so freakin' agreeable and had absolutely no agenda. I said "No sex" when we first started dating, he said "Fine." He never asked me if we were exclusive or if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I just kept showing up and he was always there. I said we're either getting engaged or it's over. He let me pick out a ring at the mall. I said "We're getting married in 1992, not 1993" he said "OK". I said "I'm quitting to stay home" he said "Fine." I said "I'm going to get a job working nights" he said "See you on the weekend." I said "I'm going to have lunch with a guy I met on the internet." Oh wait, I said that one already.

Ugh. I need to go to bed. My stomach is burning and my head hurts from crying. I'm sick. Maybe that black dead spot is spreading...

[vivianasmom]

Oct. 17, 2008 at 1:56 AM

Wow, you have a lot going on. But can I tell you what I see, and believe me I am no expert in marriage, I am just your average chic reading a journal entry. I saw that you mentioned you were seeking validation, attention and love...but from who? Is it that you are looking to validate yourself for your lack of self esteem. Are you looking outside of yourself to fill a void that can really only be filled by you? YOu are seeking the attention from other men to get a boost, I did something similar recently. A few days after meeting with the guy, I realized that all of those wonderful lines that he said to me made me feel great....but I didnt want them from anyone else. I wanted those lines to come from my husband. I can see a lot of me in what you have written. His complacency has been taught, we teach others how to treat us...including our men. Not too terribly long ago I was ready for my relationship to end. I couldnt stand looking at my husband, I felt like he just didnt have a clue who I was, what I wanted, he had no romantic bone in his body, he NEVER initiated a damned thing....even the freakin restaraunt to eat at....he couldnt choose!!! I demanded a divorce, I came on here one day to vent my frustrations and lo and behold.....I got my booty reamed by several women on here, that were not too nice. I then realized that I had been doing a lot of unappreciating myself, I had been taking my husband for granted....I had ,as most women do, this little checklist of all the things he was supposed to do and say and be, and if he did not comply with my little checklist, well then he didnt love me or care about me. Turns out, all this time he has been doing all these really great little things that I had failed to notice. I read the book "The Proper Care and feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura. It worked great for me, I have since given it to another friend of mine and it has been working for her as well. We all want validation, we all want stellar communication...but until you can fix whats wrong inside of you, you wont ever have the relationship you want and deserve. Im sorry you are feeling the way you do, but dont give up hope. There is happiness out there, I promise.