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Confessions Of A Smoker
- Oct 18, 2008 at 4:25 PM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (225) Everyone can see this journal post.
Hello. My name is Missy, and I am a smoker.
For years before I was "of age", I was told by doctors and specialists to not pick up a cigarette. And I had vowed never to.
That all went out the window in 1998. I was married to my now ex-husband, just lost my first pregnancy, and was seeing the "real" him for the first time. I picked up one of his cigarettes and chokingly puffed away.
Instantly, I was calm and I felt peaceful for the first time in months. Then, a few months later, I got pregnant with Hayley. I weaned myself off of them. Only took a couple of weeks. And I had done great. I planned to NOT go back to smoking.
With the stresses of a new baby, working to pay the bills (he didn't work) and his crappy attitude towards me, I was once again driven back to my smoking habit.
Even though I left him and made a new life for my daughter and I, I still smoked. I guess it didn't help that I now have a second husband who is a smoker as well.
Twice more, I had gotten pregnant. With Bryce and then with Skyler. And both times, I successfully quit my cigarette habit. But, because of my own personal weaknesses, I went back to smoking within a matter of months.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I had gotten severely sick with a new Flu strain. I journaled about it a while back. Now, I am fighting a Sinus Infection.
During my illness with the Flu, I barely had a cigarette. About six days ago, I lit one up. Not even a quarter of the way in to that smoke, I got sick as a dog. My body was rejecting the nicotine. I immediately put that sucker out.
Yesterday, as I told Bryce's therapist about this, she told me why I felt sicker than I should have with the Flu. She to is an ex-smoker.
Apparently, as my body was barely getting the nicotine, or none at all, my body went through Withdrawal. She said that I was in a way, fortunate. Because of "quitting" cold turkey, even though it was because I was sick, my body was in shock from the lack of cigarettes in my system.
She said that now that I have been through the toughest part (Withdrawal), it will be easier to try and stay quit from here. She said that it will be mind over matter. And for me to try and "replace" with something else like a candy during a stressful moment.
As of today, I have been cigarette free for five days. No, I have no craving for a smoke. There is no desire within me to want one. And it feels great!!
Now, my husband has to smoke outside. When he comes in, I can smell the reeking of the cigarettes on his clothes. It almost now makes me nauseous. In time, as long as I can "stay on the wagon", I hope that my husband will follow suit. Because this is a hard road to travel alone.
Smoking is a real addiction. Just like alcohol or drugs. Cigarettes ARE A DRUG. Just of a legal and easily accessible kind. Just like Pringles chips, once you smoke that first cigarette, it is hard to stop. I have now quit four times, including this time. And I am hoping like hell, that this IS THE LAST TIME!
If I get too stressed, I know one outlet will be this journal. So, for a while, once reality REALLY hits me that I have stopped smoking, you may see a lot of stress posts from me. Be prepared!!
Comments:
P.S. I know it sucks from personal experience... both my parents smoked and my dad died from lung cancer when I was pregnant with my 2nd child (I have 3 in total). He was 59 :(
Oh man, Mel! I am so sorry.
Believe me, I know this will not be easy for a while. I have to adjust to this "new life" and learn tricks to keep occupied during the boring times of the day.
Good for you! I cut down my smoking when I found out I was pregnant in March 2006. I was smoking about a pack or more a day; I cut down to about three a day. I've been able to wean myself for the last two years. I can go an entire day without a cigarette, if I really wanted to. But, I choose to smoke that cigarette. A carton of smokes can last me a month when, before, it used to last me two weeks.
Good luck on the remainder of your smoke-free recovery!
Tam, a carton would last must husband and I five days, maybe six. I wonder what it will cut it down to now that I am not smoking.
GOOD for YOU!!!!!
Good Job Missy!
Keep it going from one x smoker to another you can do it.
i took it back up after denny died. it's the tape that's holding me together right now. it takes me 2 1/2 -3 days to get thru a whole pack of newports.
great job missy.
You can do it. Congrats!
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WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smoking sucks. It stinks and kills you. You are doing great!!!!!
- mellie369
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