The Ladybugs

[firsttimerofone]

Today I was in my bathroom just mindlessly looking around until I found a ladybug crawling along my window.  This little creature has found refuge in my house for the winter.  How interesting?  I thought these little bugs went south for the winter or hid in an old abandoned tree.  I guess its inside my old house.  Today hasn't been a feel good day.  Not a day that I can lie about or make pretend itsn't happening.  The pain in my arms feels like a slithering pain.  Putting pressure on my nerves and muscles in my armpit, leggs, nape of my neck and forearms.  Even my teeth.  Terrible pin prickles, swollen spots, and twinges of deep and sudden shocks traveling around my body.  I so want peace and rest.  I try to guide my mind towards happy moments.  I focus in tightly on my son as he plays with his trains.  Hoping by turning my mind towards something positive I can put aside my pain and even tune it out even for a moment.  I wish the moments of rest would last longer.  This kind of pain just chips away at my spirit.  I want to enjoy the day, my son, life.  Somedays it just seems impossible.  I feel guilty because I should be able to pray away this torture or at least grin and bear it in a more lady like fashion.  Instead I'm angry, tired, and sad.  I am worn out.  So why does this little ladybug catch my eye?  Maybe its because I hope that somehow and some way all this pain will bring out some good.  Also its a reminder of hiding in a safe place that seems very unlikely.  Or the thought of seeing beauty in the most odd of places.  Is it possible that with great suffering there is great reward?  Can it be true that its in the valley's of life that we learn and grow?  Deserved pain I understand but senseless pain, undeserved hell.  Why?  Where's the good in this situation?  How does the pain of any disease process bring out good?  Maybe there is specks of good in the bad.  Painful moments bring about healing in deeper places.  Bits of the soul that need tending but have been ignored until we are forced to look at them and clean them.  I just hope that from all this pain some good comes of it.  Sometimes I get impatience of waiting for that to happen.