here i go running again

[xZachsxMomx]

It seems when the pain gets too much, im a champion runner. I'm really a piece of work, I am. I stopped running toward a goal, running towards the father, stopped going to church, and ran towards my old best friend "A" instead. "A" always comforts me, but instead turns me into this horrible person I dont even recognize. I pick fights with ppl over the smallest things, and blow up at the smallest provocation. I am mean, vindictive, and even spiteful, with my "A" on my side.

For those of you that dont get what "A" is, im talking about alcohol. and last night, i was smashed. Calling my grandma EVERY name out of the book, screaming at her at the top of my lungs, making her cry, my son was screaming at the top of his lungs because he'd never seen me like this. Finally I forced myself to go to bed and took my son with me, normally i keep an eye on him, cause hes such a wild sleeper, im always afraid of him falling off the bed, well last night i slept SO deep i heard this THUD, yep he landed off the bed onto the floor. what a great mother too now. I'm just such a wondeful person with "A" on my side.

Im just at my wits end. Bipolar and stress is not a good combination and add "A" to the equation and its just even that much worse. I can never admit to my pain, which lately is unbearable, although i have never been ABLE to admit it up till now. im a master masker. the master performer. sometimes i even fool myself. until "A" comes into it, then it all bleeds out. but last night opened my eyes. i cant run anymore, i cant FAKE anymore. im NOT alright, im NOT ok. i cant freaking stand to hear my son whine. it drives me up the wall. i cant stand to hear my grandma nag. it literally drives me homicidal. if something doesnt get done soon, im GONNA FLIP>

[MSugarKane]

Oct. 23, 2008 at 9:47 AM

You are the only one that can do something for yourself. So do it , today

[mommytokristin]

Oct. 23, 2008 at 11:41 AM

*Big hugs* Just message me if you ever need to talk.....

[friends4me]

Oct. 23, 2008 at 11:56 AM

MY DARLING WOMAN. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED YOURSELF WHY YOU AVOID YOUR FEELINGS. IT IS YOUR FEELINGS YOUR TRYING TO SQUELCH AND HIDE AND RUN FROM. THEY ARE YOUR FEELINGS.

WITHOUT YOUR FEELINGS YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU HAVE NO SOUL NO SPIRIT NO MIND NO ANYTHING. THAT IS WITHOUR YOUR FEELINGS. SO IF YOU ARE HIDING THEM AND RUNNING FROM THEM..... GUESS WHAT.? YOUR LITTERALLY KILLING YOURSELF. SO IT IS YOUR CHOICE. YOU NEED TO EITHER ADDRESS YOUR FEELINGS AND BE OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT THEM. OR GET AWAY FROM THE ONES YOU LOVE SO YOU DONT HURT THEM ANY MORE.

 

[pajamk]

Oct. 23, 2008 at 12:13 PM

Okay first of all if you haven't been there then you don't know what she is talking about.  And I am not being ugly, but I can't stand it when people post comments when they haven't got a clue.  It can actually turn people away from the Lord even more.

Second, I want to commend you on stepping out and saying something, and I am going to PM you about my testimony of how God saved me.

Third, I don't have bipolar, but I have ADD, and the part that is bothering you is what is called circuit overload by my therapist.  It is an overwhelming sensaton of aggravation that you get when there are too many things going on at one time and they all collide and you can't handle it.  That is the reason for the "short fuse" and your lack of tolerance for any kind of anything that may "get on your nerves".  It is NOT based on feelings, it is a part of the brain that doesn't function correctly or a chemical imbalance.

Please, don't give up on the Lord, He is still there waiting for you to come back to Him, and he will take you back any second, He hasn't given up on you.

There is nothing wrong with being on medicine if you need it until God delivers you and heals you.