A daughter, remembering a father

[dag57]

Next weekend is the 10 year anniversary of my dad's death. Today our family had an Anniversary Mass. There were 25 of us gathered, kids, grandkids and friends of my parents'....it was a poignant day....I looked at the 6 kids we have between us and thought about all the dances,graduations, proms, girlfriends & boyfriends, and college experiences my dad is missing". I know he's "around" but just the same....he's missing it...and so are the kids - having him here.

My father and I had a pretty complicated relationship. Until the last year of his life, we didn't communicate a whole lot. My childhood has some pretty painful memories. We wasted a lot of years being disppointed in each other and angry....I didn't understand him....he didn't get me at all......

And then, he got sick. And the roles reversed...the kids he belittled and criticized were suddenly the same 4 kids he had to rely on...and, much to his surprise, we were more than able to hold him up - both emotionally and physically. My father was a very controlling man so that was a huge life lesson for him. And it shifted everything. Little by little he started talking to me. We even took a few car rides together - just the 2 of us - because he couldn't drive at that point but he wanted his car to get a run every so often. We had NEVER spent time alone just talking before that - I was 41. So much time lost.....

3 days before he died, we had our "moment" - the one every child hopes to have with their parent - to hear the things they always wanted to hear but never had.....it was a Tuesday night....we were each taking turns staying overnight with my parents so my mom wouldn't be alone when Dad passed....my dad, big, strong, tough guy Dad, was in his hospital bed in the guest room....we were watching Wheel of Fortune - he always could guess the damn phrase with like 3 letters...lol...he was tring to eat a little bit and I was just zoning out, looking at the T and sitting beside his bed..and he said, out of no where: "I never realized how acutely aware you are of everything going on around at every moment"...I didn't realize at first that he was speaking to me.....he said "You are so aware of what is going on around you all the time, what everyone is feeling.....I am proud of you. I am proud of how you have managed your life, taking care of Zach and being on your own...." and he continued with more comments. It was a perfect moment for me. And I got to tell him a few things as well that I hadn't but wanted to.

It was the loveliest gift he gave me. The gift of a parent telling you they love you and are proud of you. For a 41 year old woman who had never heard it before, but had worked SO hard to earn it from him & thought she had failed to do so, it was a gift. And I knew then I could let him go on from here.....we had made our peace. If anyone had told me we would, I wouldn't have believed it.

I wish we hadn't wasted all that time. But, I am who I am, in large part, because of that relationship. And I believe strongly in the concept of Karma - that this life is one I designed for myself and that the relationship I had with my father was essential to my learning what I need to learn in this life. It was hard, it was quite painful, but it was worth it. I learned, Dad...thank you. I owe you one in the next life!

 

[ladybuglantz]

Nov. 2, 2008 at 9:54 PM

I wish everyone could have that moment with their parent.  We become who we are by what we go through.  I don't wish adversity on anyone but you are a wonderful friend and I'm sure it's in part because of your relationship with your dad. 

[dag57]

Nov. 2, 2008 at 10:00 PM

thank you Carla! xoxoxox

(Original Poster)

[alienbody]

Nov. 4, 2008 at 12:43 AM

Donna, that is so great that he left you with that wonderful gift. It would not have been the same to hear it from your mother.  I really, really hope you get that connection next week.

[trayparis]

Nov. 4, 2008 at 12:52 PM

I am so glad he said those words to you.  We NEED to hear those things.  I hope you get what you are looking for next week as well.  Make sure to let us know!

[sonjaf]

Nov. 4, 2008 at 4:06 PM

That was beautiful. You always have such a wonderful way with words.

[ST6153]

Nov. 5, 2008 at 5:25 PM

Well, I am glad that you had such a great moment with him before he died. I know what it can be like to have the alternative and when you are remembering him at this difficult time, remember how lucky you were and he was to have each other...

[LaughsAlot]

Nov. 22, 2008 at 7:33 AM

Awww, I'm sooo glad you got to talk with yer dad before he went, I think it help's with the healing process!! & Yes, I do believe you are a great friend!!! Hope all goes well for you!!!

[whatever606]

Nov. 24, 2008 at 12:13 PM

Every time you write Mom I learn something.... about me, about life, about people...... I love you.