A common HOPE for my life

[c.essence]

My hope for my life is that I am not only strong enough for my current mountain but that I find new freedoms that I have so longed for since I was a child. That the wrongs will not be righted so much as balanced out is my hope for my life, I know what has happened can not be taken away now. That I can be more than I feel I am in my weakest moments, this is my hope for myself now.

My hope for my children is that they see in this what NOT to be and do, and use it to make a life filled with integrity and a character strong in compassion. I hope that they will forgive me in that I do not expect them to be able to see fully (at least for now) that I was protecting them even as they had to endure the darkest of times. I hope, should it be in the end far more occurred than I was aware of, that they forgive themselves.

Is it hope though, these longings I speak of? Is hope not suppose to be lofty? like a dream?? Or is hope really just these things, simple and true aspects of life?

I can speak of soo much heart-ache in this life, so many traps to stay afraid, to shrink into myself. I wonder sometimes why I have never chosen to do so, why have I experienced so much an NOT given up?? In my weakest moments I imagine it is because I am too stupid to know any better. I imagine those words of hate were truth and not just pain. I have spent a lot of time thinking on that one question lately, having been made to feel soo gullible, soo very foolish at the hands of someone I gave free reign over my heart. I have pondered on days when tears flowed.. why?? Why again, why when I loved so fully, why after my other tragedies and battles?? Why couldn’t I just give up, let it harden me, let it make me hide away, Why can‘t I make it stop??

What I see is that the core of me is all that is left now. The core of me, often feeling raw like a full body rug burn. (Nothing but time , patience and prayer heals pain like that.) My core is that I have faith, I have my love, and I have patience.. patience enough sometimes only for this moment but that is all it takes... just getting through the “right now this is TOO hard” moments. And in pain like that there is grasping at hope, there is holding onto what is bare now about myself. I decided I didn't want to become something ugly because of this, I would NOT become a dark thing in this world. I chose not letting it make me unravel completely.

We live in the world and have not returned to our home yet and while here we must accept all things fade... even great sorrow, great difficulty. I hold onto this raw truth, I keep it in the palms of my hands as I pray my way through tear filled nights. When they will stop I will not know till it happens. One day I will wake up and I will realize I just had a week without one of those nights, I will stop having the nightmares for two weeks, I will make it a month without worrying my children will be taken in the next moment. I will be sure to say “THANK YOU!!” on those days. I will be sure to thank the powers that be for the strength to get through my hard days and for my truths, for my rawness. I got to keep the best parts of myself. I escaped with an infinite amount of awe and gratitude for good hearts and acts of kindness. I FINALLY lost enough that I just decided I was going to take one step every day in the world just as me, as that raw thing that I am right now. I take that step forward here today.

Ugly or beautiful, profound or common, raw or pristine... this is what I am. And for right now it is good enough, it is strong enough, and wise enough to get me through this.

[ShutterbugMama]

Nov. 6, 2008 at 9:50 AM

You are so much more than "enough".

xo

This is beautiful.

[CircleOfHope]

Nov. 13, 2008 at 3:34 PM

That was very REAL. I noticed that you joined my group Circle Of Hope...I would encourage you to post this there...I will start it by posting one of my own if you would like...I believe that the trials and sorrows that we go thru are for moments like these...when we can share our pain with others, show them that you CAN survive, reach out to them....we can all help each other become survivors...overcomers!!