Reflections on Ethan's birth - Part 4 - Recovery & Beyond

[MamaSueCongdon]

I laid in the recovery area in a even foggier fog than I’d experienced so far – if that’s even possible. There was beeping and monitors and people checking my blood pressure and temperature. I could see DH and a couple nurses standing over DS in a baby warmer. I was dizzy, and sleepy. A couple women came over and started slowing undressing me to wash me. They were both so gentle and respectful, and I cried while they took care of me. They did all the work to wash me, to dress me, and to put a new gown on me. I thanked them both. I turned and watched two nurses arguing about a heelstick test they were doing to DS. I don’t know where DH went – I think probably tell our families what had happened. The two nurses were arguing about DS’s sugar levels, and I watched a woman peform the heel stick test three different times, and mess it up three different times. It seemed like they couldn’t agree whether he should go to the NICU or not, but they were taking their time about the whole thing. They both seemed to look over at me at the same time, and decided to bring him over and set him on my chest since I hadn’t seen him yet. I vaguely remember holding him on my chest. I don’t remember what he looked like, how he felt, or how he smelled. after a few minutes, someone came over and took both of our temperatures. we both had fevers, and he was quickly taken from me just as DH came back in the room. I was completely confused. The annoying male nurse that’d been working with DS walked by me and said, “woah… you look really yellow, who is your nurse?” I had absolutely no idea and didn’t respond. Then I waited.

Finally someone came by to wheel me to the Postpartum wing. DH came in and let me know our son was in the NICU bc of his blood sugar. He said his parents wanted to take him to the cafeteria for lunch and asked if I minded. I think I cried because I didn’t want him to leave – but I told him he could go since he hadn’t eaten in so long. I don’t know exactly what drugs I’d been given, but I spent the duration of my stay in the hospital feeling extremely chatty, but fighting to keep my eyes open, yet being unable to sleep for longer than a few minutes at a time. I sat in my new room, foggy and confused. Nurses came in to check on me, and I kept asking them where my husband was, as I’d forgotten that he left for lunch. Apparently I slept – because I can’t remember anything until late that night when one of the nurses came and told me it was time to try and get out of bed so I could go see my baby. The pain of trying to stand up was the most excruciating thing I had ever experienced – even worse than the contractions I’d felt from the pitocin. I was terrified to look at my incision, and convinced that I would fall apart at any moment and my guts would fall all over the floor. My husband helped me get into the wheelchair and took me down to the NICU. It was almost 11pm, and it had been 12 hours since my son was born.

Ethan in the NICU - All 10lbs 12 oz of him

The first time I saw him was when we rolled into his room in the NICU. I remember being struck by how lonely it looked, but was at least glad that he didn’t have to be in a cramped room with a bunch of other babies – just in case there was a lot of crying. I worried that hearing other baby’s cry would stress him out. I was amazed by his little face and his little hands. I had to put a pillow in my lap because of my incision, but I didn’t think about that while holding him. We were able to be with him for about an hour. We both got to hold him, and DH got to feed him. Our plan had been for me to breastfeed, but the thought didn’t even cross my mind. The nurse gave us his bottle of formula when it was time for him to eat. After an hour with him, I asked to go back to my room because I was having a difficult time staying awake. We went back, and I spent the entire night watching tv while my husband slept.

DS had to stay in the NICU for observation for 24 hours, so we didn’t see him until lunch time the next day. In the meantime, I spent the following morning trying to prove that I was able to get out of bed and get myself to the bathroom. I was in a lot of pain, and had a very difficult time getting in and out of bed. Getting in and out of the bathroom took me almost a half hour and required the assistance of at least one other person. My recovery nurse, Leila, was so sweet. Because of my incision I wasn’t able to bend over far enough to take care of myself in the bathroom, so she was there to help change all of my padding and make sure I had clean undergarments. She was incredibly gentle and treated me with the utmost respect and kindness.

DS was brought to our room sometime after lunch, and we spent the of the day trying to juggle breastfeeding under the observation of the lactation consultant, pumping to make sure my milk came in, sterilizing bottles, entertaining a flood of visitors, and making sure I peed as often as possible so I wouldn’t have to get another catheter. I was overwhelmed by all of activity, all of the visitors, and all of the attention that shifted so quickly to my new son. I think we had a total of 18 different people come through and visit us while we were there through the weekend. Because of this, I was only able to hold my son during his scheduled feedings. At night, he stayed in his little bassinet bc I was unable to get out of bed to care for him. I am still jealous for those early moments of my son’s life. Every time he was alert and awake – which happened for only a couple minutes at a time bc of all the drugs he’d gotten during the labor – someone else was holding him. Late Saturday night, my husband was fast asleep when DS started waking to be fed. I tried waking him, and when he didn’t respond I had to page a nurse to come hand me DS so I could feed him. I don’t remember how the feeding went, but I do remember deciding that DS would sleep next to me in the bed. I propped the bed up as far as I could and stacked pillows up under him so he’d be in a safe spot, and I spent several hours just watching him sleep.

Watching Ethan sleep

On Sunday, we had another crowd of visitors along with more time with the LC, more pumping, and more torturous trips to the bathroom. My good friend Kelly came by with her husband Tre and she spent several hours taking care of me. She rubbed my back, brushed my hair, and brought me some body wash and shampoo so I could take a real shower. She made a point of telling me that I’d done an amazing job, and I was shocked to hear her say so. I realized that I’d felt like a failure for not being able to birth my son vaginally. When I made my way into the shower, I enjoyed feeling clean for the first time in four days, and cried.

Sometime that day, Daniel’s parents came over to spend some time with DS while we slept. I gave clear instructions for them to wake me if Ethan started showing signs of readiness to nurse. Three hours later – after trying my best to sleep and listening to my husband snore – I awoke. I don’t know how long my FIL continued to hold Ethan – but when he handed him back to us he cheerfully told us that Ethan had been trying to wake up and acting like he wanted to eat at least three times while we were sleeping but that he’d “put him back to sleep” for us. I was livid! Ever since then, I’ve had a very difficult time feeling comfortable with my in-laws. I know that my they love my son very much, but had a very difficult time establishing breast feeding. Every time we were around them in the first few months, my FIL would take DS away from whoever had him and disappear on walks around the property, around the house, or wherever we were, and would not bring him back to me until he was hysterical and frantic from hunger. This only added to the insecurity and stress that I felt while trying to establish breastfeeding those first few months, and has left a sore that I’m still struggling to heal.

On Sunday night we were told that we’d be checking out the next morning. I didn’t feel ready and was scared that we wouldn’t be able to care for Ethan on our own. It was difficult to imagine juggling all of the things we’d been struggling to do all day in the hospital. And I was still very loopy from all the drugs.

We took Ethan home on Monday afternoon, after spending all day trying to pack amidst all of our other activities. I spent the next several weeks weaning myself off of the oxycodeine and other painkillers I was sent home with. I had a large amount of anxiety about being alone with my son, and was having a very difficult time breastfeeding. Ethan would sleep for hours and hours at a time and then wake up screaming. When I tried to get him to latch using the football hold shown to me by the LC in the hospital he would scream and push away from me. Every feeding ended with me in tears, and with my DH feeding Ethan a bottle of formula while I pumped. I was able to see an amazing LC from the Nursing Mother’s Counsel of Oregon when Ethan was 3 weeks old. With her support and encouragement I was able to stop supplementing, increase my supply, and wean Ethan off of the nipple shield we used in the hospital. It took another two months before I really felt confident about breastfeeding – and that entire process proved to be a very healing one for me. I faced undersupply and then oversupply issues, breast infections, thrush, and a very hungry baby who seemed to be constantly nursing – and am still exclusively breastfeeding my son. This experience has brought healing to my sense of confidence as a mother, which took a hard hit during the birth.

Packing up to go home

The first two weeks back home saw daily visitors bringing us dinner and saying hi to our new son. Ethan is very well loved and is still the center of attention wherever we go. Despite the difficult start that we had at the hospital, he is an extremely happy and content little boy. I’ve learned a lot from him in the 5 short months we’ve had so far, and am excited to grow as a mother and continue learning from him. Since his birth, I’ve been able to connect with other Moms on CafeMom’s forums and on the ICAN forum. I’ve been able to discuss my experience, learn about natural childbirth, and am now a passionate homebirth advocate. J

While I am thrilled to have a beautiful and health son, I have many regrets about my first birth experience. I’ve learned about the many cards that were “stacked against me” going into this birth, and have developed an action plan to prepare me for our next birth. We plan to have an HBAC/WBAC with a DEM. In the meantime, I am devoted to learning as much as I can about the natural course of labor and delivery, strengthening my bond with my husband, falling in love with my son, and building confidence in my body through better nutrition and regular exercise. While I regret many things about my first birth experience, I am thankful for the way that it has forced me to take a good hard look at my beliefs about my body and my lack of confidence in myself as a woman. It has also forced me to examine some deeply held fears that I have about God – fears that are in contradiction to the truth of His character as revealed in Scripture. I am thankful for the way that the Lord has been so present and real to me in this time. My biggest desire is that He will use my experiences to bring Him glory and to draw others to Himself. My first birth was characterized by fear, but He was gracious to meet me and to provide for all of my needs. I know that it brings Him glory for women to celebrate their identity as childbearers and givers of life, and that He calls us to put our trust in His grace and His design as we do so. I look forward to walking with Him as I grow as a mother and as my husband and I continue to build our family.

[Diana_B.]

Nov. 11, 2008 at 11:28 AM

Hey there! Just wanted to let you know i've been through so many of the experiences you went through. My first son is 3 and born at 34 weeks weighing 9lbs 2oz. He obviously was large and was believed to be my diabetes at the time. He also was in the nicu due to low blood sugars which is seen often with large babies. My youngest is 1 month old and weighed an astounding 12lbs 6oz at 37 weeks exactly. He was also put in the nicu for extremely low blood sugars and it was then determined that my large babies are not due to my sugars as a type 1 diabetic but something else. Both of my children had trouble with breastfeeding since they had trouble latching and nipple confusion due to bottlefeeding in the nicu's.

My labor may have been similiar to yours. I did progress ever with either birth past 2cm no matter how strong my contractions were which was later related to the large birth weight my boys had making it difficult for them to descend into the birth canal and for me to dilate further than I did. I was hoping for a VBAC with our second but had the same problems similiar to my first labor experience. My son started successfully breastfeeding last week but it won't happen too much longer since my milk is now drying up probably due to the lack of nipple stimulation of my infant.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know your not alone.

[williamsonmommy]

Mar. 6, 2009 at 2:54 AM

wow....your story is amazing. I wish i could have fought like you did though...i never got the chance. hopefully we will get our VBACs!!!! :)

[MamaSueCongdon]

Mar. 6, 2009 at 3:09 AM Thanks. :) There will be no fighting next time around, for me. :) We're having our next baby at home specifically so that we don't have to fight with anyone about anything. And because we really do feel safer at home after everything we've learned about hospitals. :)

(Original Poster)