Deployment; Phase 2

[19D_mom]

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days I've had in a while. Mid tour was a blessing and a curse. It made me realize that it's far from over. I feel like I've used all my energy to make it through the past year and I'm at a point where I can't imagine making it through the next 10 months. I'm worn out and exhausted. Everything from the normal routine to the ever changing world around me has left me feeling depressed and alone. It feels like everyone I know is moving up and on with their lives and I'm stuck in this seemingly never-ending daily grind. With my sister now in Erie and my father moving to Fort Collins there are less and less possibilities for escape from the norm. I finally broke down today and let myself just cry it out. Thankfully I had my mom to help with Carson because I felt like I just couldn't do it today. The older he gets the harder it is to make through each day. He gets as bored and as restless as I do but the weather does not always permit a trip to the park and our bank account hardly ever allows for a trip anywhere else. He hasn't been sleeping well and most nights are spent using what energy I have left to try and keep him awake until 7. Some mornings he'll wake up screaming at 4:30am and refuse to go back to sleep until 7am. By then I've had my coffee and a nap for me seems almost impossible. He'll sleep for two hours and then refuse to take a nap later. By the time he falls asleep at night he's over tired and usually wakes up crying during the night. Today I figured I would keep him awake until 10:30am and let him take his one nap later in the day. He slept for 45 min and threw a fit until my mom got here at 2.

It hit me that this is all far from over. Even if John's tour gets shortened we have a long road ahead of us. I pray that maybe something will come along to help me through this but instead I feel as though the few things I do have are leaving. I am left with no one to talk to on most days besides John and that seems to be falling apart as well. John is also faced with frustrations and anxieties about being back in Iraq. However, we both have our different ways of handling the hardship and I am not his escape. Our conversations have been short and I am usually left feeling like he was just trying to get me off the phone so he could escape to his virtual world. I need to find something to help get me through this or I will surely break. I have tried going back to school twice but I end up feeling indifferent about going to class. Not to mention the fact that I barely have time to keep up with everyday chores and still have time to relax so doing homework is simply out of the question right now. I tried starting a moms group at my apartment complex and that failed miserably. I have tried joining a moms group in the area and ended up feeling like an extra in an episode of Desperate Housewives. I kept telling myself that I would just deal with it until John got back. I would tough it out and then we could start a life when he returned to the states. I didn't realize that my plan required so much emotional energy. I just can't can't do it anymore. If it weren't for Carson I would be locked in my room all day. I just have to make sure he's having interactive play time and not just sitting in front of the TV. I need to make sure the floors are clean for him to walk on, the house is safe for him to play in, the bills are paid, the laundry is done, the car is running, and I get a care package out to my husband. No pressure, right? I know I am a strong person so I would hate to have to resort to some sort of anti-feeling medication... but I've been in this mental state more than just once and I don't always have someone to help me. I just don't know how I will get through this, but I know I have to. For Carson, for John, for my family I will find a way to get through the day with a smile on my face.

[vallhk]

Nov. 11, 2008 at 11:31 PM

aww I'm so sorry,  my heart completely goes out to you.  I pray that you make it through this and things soon start feeling better for you.  I know thats almost an impossible feat.  Good luck to you and god bless you and your family.  And thank you to your husband for his sacrifice.  And thank you to you for your sacrifice as well.

[luvmycherubs]

Dec. 3, 2008 at 12:42 AM

I don't know how you do it....but I guess I am about to find out. My soldier is getting deployed to Iraq in April. Right now he is in Japan for 2 weeks and I can barely stand it. I am lucky that I am back in CO with my family and they are literally right down the road, but they have their own lives too. I am in a high stress job to boot so the upcoming year should be quite interesting. I know that I'm not in this situation yet, but feel free to email with me. I am a good listener and soon we will both be in the same situation.

[luvmycavman]

Dec. 6, 2008 at 6:39 AM

Please do not discount the "anti-feeling medication".  It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of streanth.  You know you need help and are not afraid to ask.  We, as woves of deployed soldiers, are under more pressure then anyone is a "normal" relationship could understanad.  Do what you need to do to get through your days.  Many organizations will offer free day care if you volunteer for them.  Look into tht.  It will get you out of the house and also get your sona little socialization time.  You are not alone.  It is hard, it is awful BUT it is also WONDERFUL!  IM me on yahoo messenger if you want I am usually on.  I am [e-mail] 

[marieu82]

Jan. 5, 2009 at 1:43 PM

I am not looking foward to this..my husband leaves this summer. I know that I will be in the same place you are!!  I hope that we can become a good support system for each other!!  What you need is a  good HUG!! and a long nap!!