-
Happy Endings in Adoption
- Nov 16, 2008 at 11:23 PM
- By
- Comments (7) Total Views (365) Everyone can see this journal post.
Fairy tales often have happy endings. People often live happily ever after in storybooks. In real life, happy endings are harder to come by, especially for birth parents. What exactly is a happy ending in a real life adoption story? You could say that when an adopted child sometimes starts out in life with difficult circumstances and then gets adopted and ends up having a happy life that is a happy ending. Many adoptive parents may experience happy endings because adoption is generally offers gains for them.
However, would anyone expect a mother who had lost a child to have a happy ending? Can you imagine saying to a mother who lost a child to death that you hope everything works out for them? Would any one be so heartless to say tell her that you were glad that their story had a happy ending if she does manage to go on and cope with her loss?
And yet, in adoption, if a natural/birth mom goes on with life and achieves some measure of happiness and success, or if her child turns out reasonably well, some will say to her, “See, it all worked out, right?” When a mother enters reunion, sometimes people congratulate her and tell her that they are glad that her story had a happy ending. Reunion is an opportunity for some growth, peace and healing, but it is not a fairy tale happy ending in most cases.
Reunion is the best shot a mother from a closed adoption has to achieve some sort of resolution and peace. However, reunion does not eradicate the past or even insure a different and better relationship with your child. Nor is reunion the end of your adoption story. There is no ending….adoption continues to demand your attention forever.
Don’t get me wrong, I am immensely grateful that I have had the opportunity to reunite with my son. In many ways, it has been a rewarding experience, but, it has not achieved any magical fix for me or for most birth parents that I know. For me, it has provided some peace and healing. However, knowing my son also makes me profoundly aware of all that I missed by not raising him. Any future relationship with him is not guaranteed. I suppose reunion is somewhat akin to an open adoption with the same bittersweet elements to it and the sense of uncertainty.
For me, happy endings imply that everything that happened was justified because after all, it all worked out and everyone lived “happily ever after.” Is living “happily ever after” a realistic expectation for a mother who lives every day without one of her children? Adoption loss is permanent, it is never totally repaired. You can learn to live with your loss, enjoy life and have many happy moments. Is that a happy ending?
Make no mistake, I am not saying that birth moms are doomed to suffer and be miserable every second for the rest of their lives. Becoming a birth mother need not completely ruin your entire life even though the aftereffects linger. In fact, I encourage moms to get support and therapy and do all that they can to rebuild their lives and find some happiness. It is not easy, but it is possible. But, a happy ending? Is there an ending to adoption loss, and can it be happy?
I love my life and enjoy it most of the time. But, the loss of my son still haunts me and hurts me at times, and I suspect that it always will. It takes sheer will and determination to rise above it, and I suspect this is the case for many moms. My life is rich, full and I enjoy all my blessings, but, I doubt that I will ever describe my adoption journey as having a happy ending.
Comments:
do you have any regrets?? would you have kept him if you could?
I too wish that we focused more on helping mothers keep and parent their children. I believe that we would do that more if there was not so much money to be made from adoption.
Regrets? Yes, I definitely have them. Looking back, I think I could have raised my son, and yes, I definitely wanted to and would have kept him if I had been stronger and able to figure out how I could raise him. At the time though, I was not confident enough in my own abilities to think that I could support both him and my daughter. Plus, I knew nothing about adoption.
thank you for putting into words how I am sure many birth moms feel. I want you to know I have 2 adopted children. Our daughter is from S.,Korea and unless God makes a way for us to find her natural mom we won't be able to meet her., Our son on the other hand when he wants to will be able to met his natural mom. I hope to some day see her again and wrap my arms around her neck again and say thank you...thank you for such a wonderful blessing and gift.. I do pray that the pictures and letters I have sent over the years have help her cope and not hurt her. I pray that God will make a way for you to have that relationship with your child that you want.....
Thank you for writing this, Southern. People need to read that there are no "happy endings" in adoption. I should forward this to my dad, who thinks I should be glad that my daughter went to strangers because "she's well taken care of" and "she'll be back in your life before you know it." Um, as if I couldn't have done an equally fabulous job, there are no guarantees, and he doesn't have to wake up gasping for air every morning with the realization that his daughter is GONE. It is hell living without the daughter that I lost to adoption. Like you said, even if I do meet her one day, it's not the same as raising her and NOTHING can bring that back.
Great post, as always!
I'm sure I'll have my own happy ending to my journey here on earth. I know I'll be able to live a happy and successful life.. away from the adoption. It is something that I have to work on everyday. I do regret placing my son up for adoption. What has been my struggle lately, is accepting my decision. I've been nothing but a steaming pot for awhile. I feel so angry, and I can't help it.
I don't ever see my adoption having a happy ending.
I would as an adoptee love to know why,but wouldn't actually want to know the parents.I was lucky and had great parents,but since my fathers death & raised 2 great kids & a grandmother now to 2,wonder why I can't get my full medical history,,.I know my bdad was divorced & got costedy of his 2 children(1 boy & 1 girl),they are my step siblings.I know he was a son to a preacher & worked at Royal Z lanes(in Ohio) at 1 time,was dedicated as for paying for my bmoms care,why hide from me now?I know my bmom had travelled to many places & that her mom died at 37 with lung cancer.She was 1 of 5 kids,,I know certain things,but I need more,,,
Already a member? Click here to log in
Check out some of the top posts today in Groups:
I completely agree....I wish that we would focus on helping mother's work towards keeping their child instead of profitting from relinquishment.
- 08mpayne
Message Friend Invite