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Cry it out - give me a break!
- Nov 27, 2008 at 5:16 AM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (1199) Everyone can see this journal post.
I am so sick of all this judgemental garbage being thrown around about different methods moms use to get their kids to sleep... namely, the Ferber method.
Words such as "Dangerous" "Cruel" "Abuse" "Mean" "Scary" "Locking them up" have been tossed around
Where in the world is this coming from? What is this cry it out method you are talking about? Because the one I used was not dangerous, it was not cruel, it was not abuse, it was not mean, it was not scary, and I NEVER locked my kids up. I don't understand where this idea that mothers and fathers are just locking their kids in their rooms and letting them scream is coming from... if you believe that's what all parents who do the Ferber method are doing, you are very very wrong... and if you are doing this.. that is NOT the way the Ferber method was originally intended, and that is not the way it is taught.
The cry it out method aka, the Ferber method, was not CREATED by Richard Ferber... no. Popularized by him? Maybe... but mothers have been doing this for hundreds of thousands of years. What the Ferber method is NOT? it is NOT the act of putting your child in their bed, awake, and leaving them there for hours unattended and letting them scream. It IS the act of putting your child in their bed, awake, after a bedtime routine, and only returning after waiting for short amounts of time, to sooth the child, if they need soothing. Not picking them up, or feeding them - but rather singing, or patting their back, or speaking calmly.
Please, tell me where we have hit the "dangerous" or "cruel" stage?
The Ferber method, as used by ME.
When my son was 6 months old, we began using the Ferber method. Every night at 7pm, about an hour after dinner, my son would have a nice bath and massage with lotion. We would snuggle up on the couch or chair and read a book... play with some toys.. whatever he pleased. He would eat his last "liquid meal" of the day, and it was off to bed, every night, at 7:30 pm. Nightlight on... Mobile spinning... baby boy on his back.. and exit stage left for mommy and daddy.
The first night, he cried for 3 minutes, and I went in. Soothed him by patting his tummy and singing.. restarted the mobile.. and left again. 5 minutes... repeat. 10 minutes... repeat. peeked in... he was asleep. in total? 18 minutes of crying.. and I went in 3 times, and a fourth before he slept.
The second night, my patience was very tested. 10 minutes crying... repeat soothing.. 10 minutes.. repeat soothing.. 10 minutes crying... I was crying, I was tired, daddy was working 18 hour shifts (military) and this HAD to work, so I didn't give up. I made myself a nice little camp in the hallway. A book, a diet coke, and a pillow. I sat in that hallway and hummed and sang so he could hear me. My son was NEVER alone. He was NEVER in danger, and it was not cruel. He was crying to get my attention, and nothing more. My attention was not something he NEEDED at that time. he NEEDED sleep. My presence was known. He knew I was there, all of his NEEDS were met. 40 minutes on the second night.. I ended up going in 5 times.
The third night, 10 minutes didn'teven go by. He was asleep in 6 minutes, and slept the whole night. He never had to go through another "FERBER" night, unless something upset his sleep schedule.. and even then we only struggled with 10-15 minutes of whining, not crying. It doesn't work this fast for all people... it doesn't work at all for some people.. but that was OUR experience with it.
My son is now almost 4 years old and while he may not always go to bed right on cue, he does follow my rules about sleep. He sleeps in his own bed.. Mommy and daddy's bed is for emergency bad dreams only! He stays in his room.. if he cannot fall asleep, he knows the rule is he must stay in his bed and quietly play until he does fall asleep. He can sleep anywhere we go, and he can self sooth.. he does not need a particular item or person to fall asleep. He can sleep in any bed, without issue.
I taught my son to self-soothe... how CRUEL of me. Better call CPS for my "Abuse"!... I am downright DANGEROUS! How dare I teach my OWN son that crying for ATTENTION wont get him anything more than an extra kiss goodnight and a check of the diaper. How dare I teach my son that crying is reserved for when you have real needs, not just wants. I am just sooooo "LAZY" for standing outside my sons door, repeatedly going in to sooth him, ultimately teaching him how to sleep on his own, without my help. I am so SELFISH for wanting him to have the best possible sleeping habits.
Am I saying our method was right? hell no. It was right for OUR son. It may or may not be right for someone else's child. My daughter never needed to learn the Ferber method.. she was a preemie and maybe because of that, she has just always slept well.. she has slept well from birth. No need for any lessons.
So again, am I saying the FERBER method is right for all kids? No way. And all I ask is that you stop telling me it was WRONG for MY kid, or for anyone else's! Especially if you didn'thave your facts right in the first place. Its very easy to judge someone else's choices.. even more-so when you have incorrect or misleading information about it, so I hope this serves as a lesson to some people that while SOME may do things in a careless way, that should not serve as an example of ALL people.
Perhaps you should look at it this way... I could say that I find it abuse to never teach a child to self sooth... to have a 6 year old who still needs to be rocked to sleep. I could say that its lazy to let a kid just sleep with mom and dad, because it doesn't take any effort on your part. I could say that I find it dangerous to let a toddler continue to sleep in mommy and daddies bed for years and years.. because they never form their own sleep patterns and have a hard time gaining independence. I could say I find it abusive, mean, and crazy not to let a child form their own soothing ability... but I wouldn't, and I wont... because I don't believe that. I believe every child is different and no one process works for them all... so please, stop to consider what I say and realise that while you may not use the Ferber method, or may not even think its a good option.. its not your option to choose for MY child... and it worked well for MY child, so who are you to say what it did or did not do to my son? We don't co-sleep, but that doesn't mean I think its bad! I think its a wonderful option, for SOME people.. not for me. You don't see me saying its abuse, or that its dangerous, or that you are WRONG for doing it just because I don't do it.
Ferber's method: Facts and fiction - a bit more info for some of you who maybe just didn't have all the info, before reading this.
Rumor
Ferber says you should let your child cry it out alone in his crib until he falls asleep.
What he actually says
Ferber never says you should simply leave your baby in his crib and shut the door behind you. His progressive waiting approach allows you to gradually limit the time you spend in your child's room while providing regular comfort and reassurance — as well as reassuring yourself that he's okay.
Rumor
Ferber encourages parents to let their child cry until he throws up
What he actually says
This charge is often leveled against Ferber as evidence of the callousness of his method, as if vomiting were one of the goals of his approach. In reality, it's true that a baby who cries long and hard enough may vomit, but such incidents are rare.
Ferber's point is that in the unusual case that vomiting happens, it shouldn't deter you from sleep training. His advice? To matter-of-factly clean your child up and then leave the room. Ferber believes that a tantrum or an extended period of crying alone won't hurt a child in the long run.
Rumor
Ferber says his method will work quickly, easily, and for everyone
What he actually says
Ferber believes his approach is effective but he never claims that it's easy. Ideally, the method works in a few days to a week, but Ferber acknowledges that's not always the case.
His book is full of ideas for what to do if the program isn't working ("If Things Aren't Getting Better" is the title of one long chapter) and encouragement for parents who find the process only slightly less discouraging than nights of interrupted sleep.
Rumor
Ferber says you must never, ever deviate from a set sleep schedule
What he actually says
Sticking to a routine is fundamental to Ferber's method — and to most sleep methods, for that matter. Still, Ferber acknowledges that there are times — for example, if your child is sick, or you're traveling, or you have a babysitter — when you'll have to be flexible. If your baby's sleep schedule has been disrupted and he's waking up again at night, you may have to start the process all over again.
• Cry it out. In the preface of the new book, Ferber takes pains to clarify his position: "Simply leaving a child in a crib to cry for long periods alone until he falls sleep, no matter how long it takes, is not an approach I approve of. On the contrary, many of the approaches I recommend are designed specifically to avoid unnecessary crying." Ferber's "progressive waiting" technique encourages parents to frequently comfort their child during the sleep training process.
Comments:
sati769leigh Nov. 27, 2008 at 3:35 AM
LOL no kidding.. my mom always jokes about raising kids now.. obviously kids before our time survived just fine or we wouldn't be here ourselves!!
I am soo the opposite, but one of my best freinds soes what you do and she's a great mom. I don't like people judging me so I try not to judge others.
I agree, what is good for one... may not be good for another... But also agree that there is WAY too much judging of each other here on Cafemom.
I love this post, and I love how you put things into perspective!
While our views on CIO are different, I believe we are all entitled to our OWN opinions! After all, you are raising YOUR kids, and I am raising MINE! You are a very educated mama and I love reading your journals! Happy Thanksgiving!
excellent post!
Sorry hun, yet again, I'm going to disagree. I'll pull up studies for you, but CIO has been shown to be mentally and emotionally damaging to kiddos.
Also, keep in mind when people attack CIO, they're not necessarily attacking Ferber - he's not the only advocate. There ARE people who suggest leaving the baby in their own vomit. I can show you my online argument on a leading Canadian pediatrician's personal webpage about that very issue.
One of the people we attack the most is Gary Ezzo. If you don't know anything about him or his methods, you won't understand where some of the venom comes from.
In short, CIO doesn't mean Ferber. His methods are kind compared to some of the hideous suggested practices out there.
Oh, and I wanted to also mention... there ARE women on here who have gloated that they use CIO and their kids cried for hours on end. One woman said the first night, her child cried for 19 hours with "breaks" when he passed out... and no, I'm not exaggerating. That is most definitely abuse.
Oh, and I wanted to also mention... there ARE women on here who have gloated that they use CIO and their kids cried for hours on end. One woman said the first night, her child cried for 19 hours with "breaks" when he passed out... and no, I'm not exaggerating. That is most definitely abuse.
And what I said, if you read if, is that those women are doing it wrong, and yes, I agree that is abuse.
In short, CIO doesn't mean Ferber. His methods are kind compared to some of the hideous suggested practices out there.
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sorry if you are being dissed. moms have had to let thier kids scream and cry for centuries while they did thier work and housework etc. somehow the human race has survived! who would have thought it!?! LOL
- sati769leigh
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