well, here i write again, im free for now... i can't even count how many times i left my abuser before this final time. if i were to guess, maybe 16 times on and off for the past 6 years. each time it would get worse and worse, but each time i would always return to him, believing that he changed, he would get on his knees, and swear before God that he's changed, but he never did, he never will. of course like that majority of all the abusive relationships, it began great, i was a senior in highschool,17 years old and belive it or not i never had a boyfriend before, i never even kissed a guy. but then he came in to my life, i was on the dance/drill team, and he was a football player, at the time it was a match made in heaven. early on in the relationship he was giving off the warning signs to an abusive relationship like for example: jealousy, and being controlling. like after a pep rally i would wear my cheerleader type outfit, with a skirt, and he would say things like " why do you want to show off your body to all these other guys, i thought you loved me", so i would change into pants. the years following high school was okay, mainly verbal/emotional abuse, you know, every name in the book, the B word everyday... then i got pregnant intentionaly by him when i was 20, as he didnt trust me to be on birth controll, (he said i wanted to get on birth controll so i could have sex with alot of men, and not have to worry about getting pregnant), he recently got out of jail after being there for a week for drug possesion, (i bailed him out), and the guys in jail asked him why we didnt have kids togehter, so after he got out he let some ejaculate in me to see if i would get pregnant, and i did. he got worse, he would hold my wrists kick me purposely in bed, stay up for hours cursing at me non stop, he was jealous that i wasent working, and he was. i would have cravings, or i would want milk, and i was on wic, but we didnt have a car and the closest store was a mile away one way, and he wouldnt get any for me, so i would have to walk, get a gallon of milk, and walk all the way back alone., and the times he did go with me like this one time i remember when i was 7 months prego, we were walking back, up hill from the store, i was of course holding two gallons of milk and he was walking beside me not carrying anything, saying to me " i hope its heavy, stupid bit**, wanting to eat all the time and s**t." and i would be crying so hard, but he wouldnt care. then after maybe when the baby was 8 months old, (lil boy), i was working, and he was staying at home watching the baby, he was always high all the time and would sell crack out of our house. my mom moved out of the state, he would force me for sex, yell at me when the baby would cry to much, push me up against a wall holding my neck, throw stuff really hard at me, i couldnt take it anymore, so i left, i went to a shelter, luckily it was just after income tax time, so i finally was able to get a car. i left, and a week later i left the state to live with my mom, 500 miles away. but a month later after leaving him, he gets out of jail again, (he was caught with more drugs, and a gun, the same one he would threaten me with.) i sent him a letter with his social s. card, and id, and i put a return address of a p.o box with the city name i was in, and he got on a greyhound and came to me. stupid me went back with him. well, after getting with him again, he would force sex out of me almost everyday, i just stopped fighting and let it happen, to get it over with, he threw a plate of food on me because a roach got in it, he onced got drunk and spit on me, calling me a f**kin c**t., and even sneeze on me., i didnt feel human. then he threatened to kill me, with a knife, chasing me and my baby boy who was 1years old in a dark parking lot, i was barefoot, and ran to a gas station across from our apts. as he twisted my arm to get my cell phone away from me., he said "do you want to call the police, do you actually think ill let you live long enough for them to come?".......well i pressed charges on him and he was sentenced to 6 months in jail, but released for time served after 14 days, is that what my life is worth, 14 days? he got out of jail, i went back to him again, he force me for sex again, and i got pregnant with my daughter who is now 4months old. times got tough, i was on maturnity leave, my car got repoed cause he didnt want to pay for it, he stopped working so rent wasent going to get paid., i told him to go back home to dallas,tx, to start working and ill come to him once hes settled, (which was a lie), he went up there, got arrested again for felonies this time for cashing fake checks, and is now on 2yrs probation., so if he leaves the state to come to me, he will be arrested to violation., so now im working, struggling living with my mom again in a crowded house with my 2 children, but at least im finally free............! i guess i didnt leave him for good because he never actually hit me with his fists, like slap or punch me, but it was still abuse, as he did everything but hit me...

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Nov. 28, 2008 at 4:13 PM

thank goodness!!!!! Good luck to you and im glad you left with your life :) You deserve only the best. Stay strong!!!!

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Nov. 28, 2008 at 4:21 PM Good 4 u!!! and best of luck!

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Nov. 28, 2008 at 5:23 PM

Try to find a women's center specifically for domestic violence where you are at. Ask them if they have a psychologist. I saw a sexual assault psychologist after I made it out. It helped me to learn the skills necessary to avoid being in another DV relationship.

Just because we break away, doesn't mean everything is magically over. You need to find out how it happened to you, that way it never will again with another man. Good for you for getting out & being free.

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Nov. 28, 2008 at 5:29 PM

I am glad that you are out of there.......whether it was physical or emotional, abuse is abuse. I hope that things get a bit better for you!! You are on your way to healing now.......

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Jul. 23, 2009 at 5:53 PM

good for you one thing you will not have to regrete for your kids to witness. Stay strong mama you can do it.

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