Top 10 reasons to not run around your house naked after having children. (slightly graphic)

[lubbockmommy510]

TOP 10 REASONS TO NOT RUN AROUND YOUR HOUSE NAKED AFTER HAVING CHILDREN:

10.  Children have eyes.  Children are curious.  2 year old children tend to study things that look funny and different.  Plus, the funny/different parts are at eye level.  I can't wait until the day when my daughter asks me the dreaded "hair" question. 

9.  It hurts.  After having children, no matter how many or few you have, things will flap.  Things will flail.  What flails up, must flap down.  There is no doubt that the moment you take off your bath robe, your child will scream at the top of her lungs and you will hurdle toys and pets just to get to her.  It will never fail that at this time, one set of blinds in a primary spot in your house will be open.  Oh, and that scream you heard?  She just wanted you to tie her shoe.

8.  The bend-over.  Oh yes.  You are wrapped in a towel walking to the shower and OOPS....you drop it.  You bend over and look through your legs just in time to see your child's mouth open in horror.  It's just not right.  Poor child never had a chance.  What's worse?  The forced wind exerted when your saggy belly pushes into your pelvis. 

7.  Connect the dots.  What could be more tempting than a good game of connect the dots?  I get a good topographic lesson on all of my back blemishes.  Don't tell me this hasn't happened to you.  Any zit, freckle or mole has to be poked as your child counts or says, "mole, mole, mole, pimple, mole".

6.  Wedgies.  Children just can not understand why all of your butt will not fit into your panties. 

5.  Stretch marks.  We are just chillin' in our t-shirts and undies when all of a sudden, I feel a little finger reach over to my thigh and gently trace the lines.  She means no harm.  Who doesn't like a good map?  I should probably name the marks so she can easily find them again.

4.  Tickle games.  Isn't it so fun when you roughhouse with your child and tickle her bellybutton?  My daughter  absolutely LOVES it.  BUT.......she then feels like you're missing out on this incredulous fun.  She says, "Your turn, Mommy.  I want to tickle YOUR bellybutton."  By the time she actually FINDS your bellybutton, she's forgotten why the heck she dived in there in the first place.

3.  Along with little eyes come little mouths.  At the most inopportune time...lets say, uh, church...she will randomly ask you about your most embarrassing body part or worse..........your down-there-hair.  People pretend not to hear, but you know they end up picturing you naked and wondering, too.

2.  Menstrual cycle.  "Mommy wears a diaper, too"  Yes, I have heard that one while trying to discreetly change a pad in the Wal-mart bathroom.  I try to hide the used one before she asks why my pee pee is red!!!

1.  Clutter.  I love toys.  Toys are wonderful....until they are strewn about along the path to the bathtub.  It starts with an innocent stuffed animal you must kick out of the way.  Then....the obstacle course.  It only takes one little dress-up princess tiara to pierce the arch of your foot and then you are done-for.  You twist around to see what the heck you stabbed yourself on, while stepping on the matching hard plastic wand.  It's only a matter of seconds until you end up with the dress shoe's mini high-heel jabbing your hip and Lord knows WHAT else is going to empail your personal areas.   Thank GOODNESS the wand was covered by your foot, or that could have been even MORE unpleasant.

I just thought you expeditionist mommies out there need to hear this.  As comfortable and convenient as it seems, it can cause lots of trauma by trotting around the house naked.  Not for your kid.....for YOU.  The children think it's funny and educational.  If you are a daredevil, by all means strut your stuff.  As for me, I shall remain robed......until my daughter screams for me again.

* I tried to match my font to the color of my skin, but if I chose a color as pasty as I am, no one would be able to read it.

[lubbockmommy510]

Dec. 3, 2008 at 2:00 AM

C'mon ladies.  Share this with your friends.  You KNOW at least one of those things has happened to you! 

(Original Poster)

[p2of9]

Dec. 3, 2008 at 2:11 AM

LOL!

I don't walk around naked simply because my mother ALWAYS did.  Ugh!

[CCmom05]

Dec. 3, 2008 at 2:21 AM

I am not a big walk around naked person but # 6 is so funny! I have  to tell my mom that one!!!!

[hotlilmama2007]

Dec. 3, 2008 at 5:19 AM

Connect the dots! LOL! my daughter doesn't care, but my friend's 3 year old always wants me to pick her up, and then stares at my shoulder, going what that? what that? Its a mole Madi    Mole?      Yes, a mole       Well what that? (pointing at my other mole)      Thats a mole to       Oh, why you have mole?      God gave them to me     Why?      So you could point them out and exasperate me       Why?    Sing me your ABCs Madi      ABCDEFG etc.... Every Single Time!

[sassynae98]

Dec. 3, 2008 at 8:47 AM

HAHAHA.  Thanks for the laugh this morning.