Deck the halls with Bi Polar

[angeleyes4moms]

As far back as I can remember, Christmas has embarked onto me weeks and weeks of preparations.  The turkey isn't digested from Thanksgiving and the family traditionally got the tree the next day.  It brought on the start of excitement in me.  Hope as well.  Maybe this year we can all be together and get along.  My heart was definitely in it to try.  That was me though.  I went out of my way to be nice to whomever because that was just who I was.  I think I just wanted to keep under my mothers radar.  Holidays would bring out the worse in her.  The slightest thing could set her off and almost always the abuse would go to dear old dad.  He loved her and would manage to keep her happy.  Of course that cost.  So by the time I was a teenager and after Carter being in office took away my father's ability to keep us up in the style we were all used to living.  My mother being an R.N. went back to work but it wasn't long before the anger between my parents got so bad.  I came home from high school and there mother sat, crying over a letter my dad had left her on the bed.  Earlier he had packed his things and moved in with a friend and from that moment on, my world changed forever. 

That was 1984 and I was 15.  

Now its 2008 and I'm 40.

Somewhere in the middle is a faint memory of college, job, husband, kids, a mortgage.  Well almost that perfect, in my case, a kid which led to the husband and we all collectively needed shelter.  Also in that creme filled middle of chaos pie is another baby and an illness that perfectly took the job and  the house.  My ex and I left each other but honestly, I was never present in it to begin with which to have left him. 

As I sit here at the computer struggling with what words to express how I feel at this moment.  I can't stop thinking about two life changing times.   Inside I feel...

I'm still 15 and I just got my first period last week and than flash forward....

I'm 40 and haven't had one in 7 years since a partial hysterectomy.   

Again somewhere in the middle is a mental illness.  Its genetic my father says.  His mother had it.  Honestly, I haven't a clue.  What is known is I'm sick to death of not calling a spade.  A spade.  All these years, I've have gone through the motions of making the best of a bad situation.  Faulting my blame, constantly apologizing.  Proudly I would brag that my adolescents was confusing but that's the past and I don't blame my parents for anything.

But either I'm stupid, crazy and planning to go into my future depressed if I keep pretending that were true.  Is it the reason that in those 25 years, I manage to screw up a marriage and several relationships afterwards.  Have to put my boys with their father cause he clearly is the better provider.   Is it the present reason why I'm having to live with my father and nothing on my horizon looks to change it.  I could but it would be wrong.  I screwed up.  I made bad choices based on selfishness.  I'm human.  I did as I saw my father do.  When the tough got going, so did I.  So did my father.  We still argue and one up each other on the reasons why we are sharing space. His argument that he didn't expect to be having his grown children living with him at his age.  Only to have my rebuttal of leaving me when I was younger and  He wins on grounds that presently I am an adult.  He is plainly selfish and also right.  My problem is when he brings it up and being a man of his generation.  Its quite often.  The one thing that has changed since I quite drinking is keeping things inside.  Sometimes its writing in my journal, ranting in a blog or finally telling my dad just what I think than and now.  That is a double edge sword cause I hurt him and I internalize it cause I hate to see him hurt.  A fine example of being 40 and mentally still 15.   In the long run I will be Okay.  Starting my next chapter.  Last night I worked on a resume.  I will have a fresh start and the wiser.  That reality is what I live for.  Looking forward to another 25 years.  Happy to have a chance to do things a bit differently.  Not needing to much from outside things this time around.  The diagnosis of bi polar put an answer to past questions. Presently, its a blessing.  Time can only tell if this Christmas holiday will be any different than years past. 

Isn't that really up to me to put the dualing woman/child to rest.  Its so drama queen and last year.

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