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It's me again, God...can we talk?
- Dec 4, 2008 at 4:35 PM
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- Comments (10) Total Views (119) Everyone can see this journal post.
God and I just had a big argument in the shower. Yep He talks to me there. Well I guess this time I did most of the talking and all of the arguing. Im broken, Im falling apart and I see the pieces all around me. It down right sucks!
Im resenting my husband, my God, myself...Im obsessed with my desire for one thing. Its not money-although I often blame money. Its not a house-although I blame that too. Im full of blame, and not taking any responsibility for my own actions or feelings. People talk to me and tell me what I need and I feel like saying back to them "Blah blah blah-Ive heard it all before." I have heard it. Ive read it, Ive even said it to other people. My desire is a baby. Not in a year, not in 3 years, not when i have a house or am loaded rich with all the money we will ever need, but now, right now when I say I want it. Why am I having such a hard time with submission to my husband wanting to wait a year or what he really would like for us to not have anymore at all? Because before we were ever married we discussed how we felt about EVERYTHING and we agreed we wanted 3 or 4 kids. I wanted to go thru the baby thing more than once. I missed it all with Caedmon and I want it again. So here I am resenting my husband for changing his mind. He wants me to work so we can have things. Not that I dont like having money-but thats not what we agreed on. We agreed that Id stay home with however many kids we had till they were all atleast in Kindergarten. So here I am stuck...trying to give this desire of mine over to God. How do you let go? I know everyone says its easy-you just have to let it go-But Im here telling you ITS NOT EASY! If it were easy i wouldnt be here spilling my heart out to everyone. This is my release. This is me trying to convince myself to let go. This isnt me coming for advice from everyone, its me telling me to let it go. This is how I RELEASE. So bare with me a few more minutes here. I just spent 45 minutes in the shower crying and yelling and screaming to God, asking Him why me wanting a baby can't be apart of His will for my life! WHY!? WHYYYYYYY!? Ive given Him everything else! Ive let everything else go! WHY THIS TOO!? I don't know the answer to that one yet. But I do know that if I dont let it go its only going to hurt my family. My kids that I am blessed with and my husband that I really do love so much despite him ticking me off and keeping me confused and hurt. I love my God. I know He has given me all that I do have and He has done so much for us. I really do long for HIS WILL, not mine. But im having parting issues with my will. I am gonna find someone to talk to, to counsel with. Im not sure who yet. Not my pastor-its hard to talk to your pastor about stuff like that when he's friends with your husband. I will find someone though...
Friends will you pray for me? I dont want to have a heart full of bitterness and jealousy. I want to go over to my cousins and be with her and the baby now that her hubby is back at work and i dont know if my heart can take it. I want to be happy for the umpteen million friends around me having babies, and i am happy for them, but I want to be able to smile thru that and not cry. I don't want to look at myself and see an angry, ugly hearted, bitter person. I dont want to cry anymore! I can't seem to stop today. Its been probably a good 5 hours of crying now. Im exhausted from crying! Pray that I can give this to God! Pray that I can let this go once and for all! Pray that God's desires for me will be my only desires! I need your prayers!
Thank you so much-and THANK YOU KARA! I needed that slap-I needed you to wake me up. This is why God sent you to me as my soul sister! I love you!
Comments:
My heart is with you sister....I've learned what God meant by...His grace is sufficient! I've found some of my desire to be met in having dogs. That sounds so lame doesn't it? : ) I had to laugh at myself when I typed that...
Just remember, no tear is ever shed in vain...not even one!
Jill~
My sweet friend! I WILL pray for you! I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I know....that you know...that God has a plan for your life. I know how hard it is to give things over to him....it is hard to let go. But if you can find it within you to do so......the anger and jealously will go too....and you will feel at peace. I'm sorry, I know your not really looking for advice....but, don't you feel it is God's will for you and Dave to go on your missions trip to Africa. If you really sit and think about it......think just how hard it would be for you to leave a brand new baby while you go.....I know it could totally be done....but it would be hard. You may not get the full experience there.....because you will be thinking, and wondering and worrying about the brand new baby.....don't you think?? Just a thought.....God's answer 'may' be...you fulfilling your desire to help in Africa with a clear mind and open heart...and he may save the baby blessing for when you return.
Again....just stuff to think about.....LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amy said exactly what I wanted to say. I think Africa may be part of the reason for the delay. Keeping you in my thoughts and in my prayers. Sending you hugs! LOVE YOU!!!
Something that I wanted to add, after reading Aimz reply...(awesome insight BTW!!!)...was, for me...it wasn't so much the desire for pregnancy, as it was the desire to mother....and how amazingly compassionate God has made our desires, they are often met in "mothering" others, (i.e...those precious babies in Africa!!!) And in my case, dogs! : )
I love you Jill. I'm sorry you're still hurting over this.
In my life, when I finally submit, when I am finally content with my here & now, THAT is when God hands me what I had been begging for before, or often times, something better.
Imagine a scenario where you have a cookie you intend to give to Cameron, but he is throwing a fit, asking you over and over and over in a whiny voice "can I have a cookie? WHY can't I have a cookie?" You're torn. If you give him the cookie, you're teaching him that throwing a fit will get him a reward. But you still have the cookie - still want to give it to him. If he will just go sit down and leave you alone about the cookie for 5 minutes without pouting...you'll happily give it to him.
You want a cookie, Jill. God has lots of cookies.
I wish I knew what to say. I've seen myself right where you are over mine own desires.....I feel I truely know whats going on in your heart and how it feels down deep. First if children are put off until we could afford them then only the rich would have any. Second, God is not the author of confusion and I know if you search Him and HIs will He will clear this path for you and if its the hubby's heart that needs work then He can do that (even though us dear wifeys sometimes get in the way.....hey I'm sooo gulity of that one!!) You know where I stand in the area of children...but thats me and my convictions.....I'm here for you if you need me!!!!
Praying for you, Dear Friend, especially as you struggle through feelings and decisions and longings. I know you know this, feelings follow the thoughts we think....thus the verse, "taking every thought captive." As you know, I'm with you in the struggle to wait for new family additions, so, I've a good idea of how to pray for you.
Much love,
Alisha
OH Jill,
I can honestly say that I feel your pain. I know exactly what you are going through. I am sorry you are having such a horrible time right now. The thing to remember is that God is in control. He wants only good things for you. You have to just keep trusting him that he knows exactly what he is doing and he is going to meet your needs and give you the desires of your heart. I have struggled with this off and on for almost 13 years now. You just have to sit back and count your blessings when you start feeling this way. Everyone else has given you such wonderful, truthful advice. One thing I have done is just pray that if it is not God's will for us to have more children to take that desire away or take it away until the time is appropriate. I am praying for you! I know what it is like to have these hard times especially when everyone you know is pregnant. Call or PM if you need to chat! I love you!
Oh....A dear friend of mine struggled with getting pregnant for like 5 years. They had all kinds of treatment and decided to give up. They adopted two precious kiddos from Russia, They have had them for almost 5 years and she was really sick last week with what she thought was a stomach bug. Went to the doctor and found out she is like 10 weeks pregnant! Woo hoo! I can't tell you how happy I am for her! Just keep trusting him Jill!
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