Tears...(A Year to the Day)

[Nitanni]

I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I know why I'm writing this. What is in black is what I wrote a year ago today, and I promised myself I'd do this.

It's a last stab at my sanity today, I think.

I am surprisingly more stable.
All my life I have been fighting for one thing or another, and today, the tears could choke and very well take me....not in the literal sense, but my spirit.  I think of learning to walk again after 70% of my body was burned 30 years ago, the beatdowns from the kids in the hood for talking "proper", takiing care of my mom during high school when she got really sick, for all the times I was bucked up and pulled myself up by my bootstraps in the face of lying friends and lovers, even family members....and I am tired.  Writiing and children (and believe it or not, this site) keep me sane, and that is all.

I am still fighting, but it's not quite the same.  I realize that my strength is something others draw upon, some out of selfishness, others out of need, and others with the intent of being friends. There is still alot of the first, some of the second, and very few of the latter, but I am so greatful for them. Thanks, Marti. Thanks, Jen.  I do a fan fic as well as a show series on this site. I also am under contract and in last rewrites for my book to be released in 2009.  My kids at the afterschool program are doing well, and my boss is giving me more materials and freedom to do more with them.  I'm still struggling, but I'm better than where I was a year ago.
I have 2 jobs, 2 classes, and 2 wheels (my bicycle) to meet all demands.  My asthmatic son is ill in a house with no heat (renovation problem), but the electric heaters keep him warm and safe in my room till the problem is solved (hopefully soon).  The family building is a mess, and I regret being gone for so long but will leave as soon as I can.  There is guilt in that.  I have always been the peacemaker of my family, the get it done person.  I cook for everybody, and if I don't, nada.  I get up at 5am to make dinner because when I leave I won't be back till 9pm.  My sis only cares for financial affairs, but she doesn't realize it's all relative.  She is all logic and cold...she is also obese, and that makes me the gopher of the family since my mom is 76 (she is a legend in the family, our neighborhood) and deservedly tired.  So, off I go, ripping and running, hoping to get published though my family laughs at my dreams, working with kids and using 10-15% of my money to buy learning tools for them since the city community group says they're not worth it, and trying to meet standard after standard, trying to do the right thing, be true to myself.   And then there is the loneliness--I am a nurturer by nature.  I love and lift up people whenever I can.  It is  my nature, and why I work with kids.  I was in corporate America, damn good at it--but I couldn't take all the backstabbing and politics.  I realized building people was better than building companies.  Guys take that as weakness, I realize, and lose respect.  I watch John Cena salute troops left and right, and I say to myself, "That soldier would not be out there if his mom didn't do what she did, if people in his/her life didn't help mold that character and teach them to relish all they were given and fight for it. I live in the hood; I've thrown my body over children in crossfire, belly crawled on concrete to safety, and read the signs to get out before the guns broke out...and I'm no gang member, drug user....just...was there.  

The familly apartment building is 2/3 done, but there is still so much to do. I am overseeing the last of it, and yes, there is heat. There still isn't much help from fellow family members, but I just go on. 
Anyway, as I get older, and my back seems always against the wall, I tire.  I don't know what it's like to have a back at my back, so for all of you who have husbands who are truly in it for the long haul, you're ahead.  And for my inner strength and intelligence, I am rewarded with being a respected equal and then no longer feminine (the Chloe in the Smallville of life). 

This hasn't changed...yet. These days when I am lonely I quietly miss someone I have yet to meet, but am certain exists.  I do not feel as lonely as before, but I also feel these days are numbered. There is more of an anticipation in my life as if things will change soon.  It's as if God whispered, "Oh, wait...he'll be along." 
And now I'd better go.  The cold is bad for my wrists and arms (I have tendonitis and carpal tunnels in both), and I will see the doctor soon because the condition has worsened over the years.  Everyone sees me as this strong person, my family thinks whatever the hell they think (which is I don't get things done fast enough and dream too much despite all).  They see me as someone to get things done through, and I guess that's fine, if I was a tool in a kit.  So I write, I dream to escape, and yes, I dream of John for more reasons than he'll ever know, and if I met  him, I'd be a Chloe to him too; that type of guy looks for a Lana, totally soft leading girl--not grown up athletic tomboy in BDUs who cycles year round.  I'm not of substance to anyone, just a method, I feel at times.
Shit, I've gotta go. I'm late for my first job and don't care. I'll cry my way to work on my bicycle where no one can see (I freak people out when  I cry, so why do it? When a strong person cries, everyone backs away, not comes to help--trust me).  So today, I write this  in hopes I can keep my tears inside like I usually do.  I'll delete it Monday, I think. 

But today,  I just want to say:  Amazons feel and cry.  I am not as strong as you think.  And yes, I am lonely.
God keeps me sane.  And He's got his hands full....

Not much has changed as far as my family goes. They still have me in Cinderella mode, I guess, but now I feel that there will come a time when I will no longer live here and then they will have to deal with things themselves. I still write. My fan fic series is coming up on its 60th week, my fan fic show is doing well. I have new and highly treasured friends that I found here. Oh, I still have days of tears, but I also have reprieves and signs that things are going to get better for me.  The publishing editor who has signed my book wants me to edit the book into a format that they accept, chiefly having to do with point  of view.  It's difficult, because I'm an amateur writer, but hopefully I'll get it right so they will release it. And with it will come the opportunities I hope for...

To those I have befriended, to those who have kept me in their thoughts, thank you.  THough I still have dark days, frustrating times, I think there are brighter, much brighter days ahead.  

[just1moreangel]

Dec. 8, 2008 at 12:46 PM

Hon, Never Lose Hope and Hustle Loyalty Respect go hand in hand. You know I'm here for you always. You're my best friend and the sister I always knew was out there somewhere. By the way, glass slippers don't just slide off, they hurt and break. Sneakers are much better for us utilitarian chicks lol. He'll come along when he's ready and help with the weight of the world better than even the best of friends can. I'll talk you to sleep any time you need it lol. I'll go into a battle with you any day, any time. Watch for the brilliance in the darkest of hours. Good things happen to good people. I know I'm not the only one who thinks you're great. Talk to you soon. >:D<

[butterflybelle2]

Dec. 9, 2008 at 12:47 AM

Thanks for everything you do Bridget! You take care of so many people and still manage to take care of all of us girls too! I'm here if you need me!

*T*

[DomiNikaD]

Jun. 24, 2009 at 7:54 AM It's women like you that make this world a better place for all of us. You are strong, determined, and talented. It's inspirational.

[Baps]

Jul. 10, 2009 at 3:24 AM

This is my first time reading a journal by you. Excellent. You share so freely and openly. I pray that all has gone even better than you expected. Stay encouraged! ~Pamela

[nacherluver]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 9:37 AM

Wow. Raw.

How wonderful that you kept this promise to yourself to come back to this journal entry. How insightful and strong you have been to make it as far as you have in the past year and have the ability to see your growth. I am glad that the updates have a much more hopeful tone to them. Sounds to me like you've got it girl! Keep on believing in you and it will all come.

I can sympathize with you about being the strong one and not being able to show your weak side. I know what it's like to be the "go to" person when everyone needs strenght but feel as if no one has your back when you need to lean on someone else for strength.

I hope you get published soon. Keep dreaming! The more you visualize something, the more truth you put behind it and eventually it will be yours for the taking.

Thank you for sharing.