...it's been a year today

[allensavannahs]

so today its been a year since my mom died... and i cant help thinking about her. i want to put up my tree but at the same time i cant seem to muster the energy to do that. I baked cookies today and remember baking sugar cookies with her in New Zealand for some base function...maybe it was presents or just something to do i cant remember that now. i do remember that i frosted in great detail about 200 cookies LOL i never wanted to frost another cookie again ... and i really don't think i have, year before last when she was still here i was watching Lisa's kids and they frosted them LOL. i remember baking cookies with her... or rather just watching her bake, she made the BEST chocolate chip cookies, i have never been able to make them like hers, i remember putting up the tree at her house was always an important "family " thing, we didn't have too many important family things but the tree and the baking was definitely a big deal. sometimes we would all go pick out the tree, other times my dad would bring one home, it was his job to set it up and put the lights on and after me and mom decorated it he put the star on top... he is pretty tall and mom and i we are kinda on the shorter side... always a 6ft+ tree for our houses. After her and my dad split up the tree and baking was still important but the most heart felt and shocking discovery she made was she figured out that Christmas was about family not what you bought or how much crap you got.... it was good. and when she did buy gifts they were good too, she actually thought about what to give. i remember a lot about my mom, and knew more about her than she would like me to , i don't know if the good weighs out the bad as far as information i know about her but i really only try to remember the good stuff now , i wonder why i spent so much time thinking about the bad stuff... probably because the bad stuff was really bad.... things i remember about my mom are things like, she was very beautiful, even when her hair had turned all white before her time, she had these green eyes that were just lovely, she had a smile that could melt your heart when she would wear it , and of course the mom look of death that makes me giggle now that i have one. when she would laugh you would laugh too. sometimes she would find things so funny she would need her inhaler to get her breath back. my mom was creative, she didn't always show it and at one point stopped but i knew she had a talent. she liked to travel but hated to be there it was an odd thing with her, my dad took her all over the world but it wasn't until the last years of her life did she appreciate it at all. so this Christmas is hard for me probably gonna be the hardest of my life. she died on my wedding anniversary and when she died i thought wow that's just like her... i didn't invite her to our wedding , her and i were having issues to say the least, she wasn't mad when i told her i got married....secretly, silently plotting the worst revenge she could.... dieing on my day .... that sounds stupid but if you knew my mom you know she liked the spotlight no matter who it rightfully belonged to. today i wonder if she could...or did die on that day on purpose was it to say HAHA you have to remember my death and be in agony for the rest of your life....or was it was so i had something else..someone to take my mind off of her death, so i wouldn't be so sad. i am trying to be strong for my family and i haven't cried in front of them today , i don't want my husband to feel bad because i love him so much and i know he loves me too. i don't really know if they even know that today is "the day". my best friend Lisa knows she wrote me this morning , and stopped by my moms myspace page too I'm glad i have her. my mom gave good hugs too when she wanted to give them they were awesome. she loved her family, she loved those she called friends even though she got crapped on by a lot of them. she just wanted people to like her and accept her faults and all. one of the duty stations we were at it was like that. i think she kept trying to find those friendships again. when she figured out her marriage wasn't all that bad it was too late. she kept trying to replace my dad but it didn't happen. instead she kept dating while good looking like my dad shallow and insensitive men so not like him at all. i suppose its kinda childish to miss her as much as i do, it's odd I've been thinking about my mom a lot and i think my mom gave up on .... everything... i mean she stopped trying after my grandma her mom died when we lived in Manteca... and i don't want to be that way. i hope in the year to come i get back the strength, and the ability to problem solve, to make things better when all seems lost. its something i learned how to do out of necessity and something she told me she was proud of me for being able to do. Because of the person she was i really believe she had an influence on the woman i became, good bad or indifferent as to how it happened, I'm just glad it did. i hope in the year (s) to come i remember how to fight for what is right and take care of my family, be the rock i have always been and stop being the sponge i have been the last year. my mom became a sponge and it wasn't until the end that she didn't want to be that anymore, she tried to be strong, to be brave to be the Nana and the mom she wasn't for so many years. i don't have a point here i just wanted to share some things about my mom with you all who didn't know her and maybe remind those of you who did some of the good things about her.

[Raeann11]

Dec. 7, 2008 at 8:25 PM

I'm sorry for you loss. I have never loss a parent.

[allensavannahs]

Dec. 7, 2008 at 11:39 PM

thanks

(Original Poster)

[OConnor_Mom_2_4]

Dec. 27, 2008 at 4:45 PM

Stacey my dear. I miss her and just seeing her know looking out at me made me cry. I remember when youi called me at 4 in the morning I knew something was wrong you just don't ever call me like that usually it is me calling you at 4 in the morn. I love you and miss ma 2. I wish I could fill that emptiness you feel. I love you and always will be here for you. R.I.P ma we love you and miss you....Love always Lisa

[allensavannahs]

Dec. 28, 2008 at 1:05 AM

i love you lisa and i cant wait to come home and we all can be a family again. i appreciate all that my dad has done for me but its not the same kwim? I woke up at 4 am on the 7th as well... and remembered it all over again....

(Original Poster)

[dawnwahu]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 12:41 PM

Wow!  Stacey , I feel your pain, I lost my mom at the tender age of 14.  It is hard to believe that was almost 24 years ago!  I still miss her!  Anyway I think that it was good for you to write this as it seems that you don't let it out in other ways.  you do need your grieving time,  Anyway, take care

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[OConnor_Mom_2_4]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 5:38 PM

I remember it and think that maybe we should celebrate your anniversary on Dec 7th as a reminder that ma will always be with you. I wish I could reverse time and keep ma home with us....I love you and always will