Update on Us...Updated 12.14.08

[AusAshMommy]

Good Afternoon CafeMoms ~ Some of you may or may not have seen my recent 'status' change on Facebook and here from 'Married' to 'Single'...it appears subconsciously I have made a firm decision about what to do with regards to James and our situation...nothing has changed in the last two months since his arrest.  I still can't trust him, I still don't look at him in the way a wife should look at her husband.  While we are in counseling, I do not forsee a future as Mr. and Mrs. for us...

 

The feelings I once had for James as a husband are no longer there - I do not wish him harm, nor wish for anything to happen to him, but I cannot see myself with him as anything more than a partner in parenting.  We co-exist on a daily basis, we talk about the kids, the kids' school situations, have reigned in some nasty habits from the kids, we discuss discipline  (the one area we always disagreed on, we now agree on, go figure), we discuss the house, and work.  But I want nothing romantic from him.  I shy away from all things romance from him - love letters (yeah I burn them without reading them), gestures (I turn away from, I won't let him touch me), gifts (I thank him and then put them away never to be seen again).  The very idea of being romantically involved with him makes ne nauseated...I can't do it any longer...the stress mounting in my household is felt with all of us...the kids especially...

 

I don't know what steps are next for me, I've been looking at apartments online, and am trying to figure out what all I can afford on my small salary with Eric (my boss who is about as wonderful as any boss can be)...its going to be a LOOONG road...

 

Things have changed with regards to me in the last 2 months - I have met someone who has brought me back to reality, someone who has allowed me to express myself and know that the world isn't full of those who wish to do harm and/or deceive me.  He's been nothing but honest with me from the offset and his honesty has allowed us to grow as friends, partners in the study of Wicca, and companions so to speak...we rely on each other daily to help us through the hardships of our days...I know the drill, this isn't something I should be thinking on right now because I am confused about what's going on in my marriage, but I know this is something solid - we connect on a level neither of us has ever, we can connect via our meditations, we can connect via our thoughts during the day, and we just know one another inside and out, it was almost instant!...BUT we're both married, so we're trying to stay away from things in that regard, but its become near impossible.  Please don't think the less of me for this...I didn't ask for it...

 

**though now this 'friend' has decided that he cannot handle our relationship - has let his wife decide he's not allowed to be my friend any longer, so we've been incommunicado for the last 2 days or so - God F*ng forbid I call his house to check on him after a FULL DAYS visit to the Drs for his diabetes - what a horrible person I am?!?!?!? She swears there's an affair going on - which is NOT the case, we just got really close, really fast - so now he's not talking to me...which I can't say is entirely his fault - when I found this out I chewed him a new arsehole...LOL!!! So now its just me relying on myself...

 

***Well I made up with my friend - several misunderstandings lead to our argument, so I am just happy to have him back in my life.  I seriously felt like someone cut off my right arm - there was a piece of me missing and I couldn't do a THING about it.  We had several long conversations on Friday and lastnight and have made-up!  His wife STILL thinks I am trying to steal her man - but that is not the case...oy

 

That's enough for now...

 

Me