I have always.........
I have always been a different kind of person.
Even as a child I remember being just a little bit different than everyone else. There's really not a lot (from my childhood) that I can put my finger on, but it's a feeling that I know was always there. There was always something that just didn't click with my peers.
As I approached my tween/teen years my differences really started to show through a little more. Again, not everything was noticable on the surface, but the gap was there. I dressed a little differently (older?!). I viewed the world a little more broadly than others. I was morbidly fascinated with the strangest things. I was fairly death obsessed.
But I tried. I really did try.
I tried to pretend like I was just like all of the other kids my age. I tried to dress the same way and talk the same way. I tried to retrain my thoughts to think about all things "tweeny". I just was never really able to pull it off.
Now, as an adult, it's a given that I am different than the majority of the people I know. I have been called out for it on many occasions, by many people. I am still a 'broad' thinker (perhaps too broad?). I am still morbidly fascinated by the oddest of things (perhaps too morbid?). I am still fairly death obsessed (definitely too obsessed) . I think that time has made all of these little quirks of mine more pronounced. Instead of mellowing with age, I'm becoming almost a freak show (or so it feels sometimes).
I struggle on a regular basis with whether or not this is 'okay'. Is it 'okay' to be different when the world wants us alll to be the same? Is it 'okay' to think so far outside of the box that most people can't follow your train of thought? Is it 'okay' to buck conventional wisdom for a more forward-thinking viewpoint? Are any of these things 'okay'? I just don't know for sure. I still haven't figured those questions out.
I asked my hubby a short time ago if we were 'weird' or different than other people. He got a funny look on his face and then sat in silence for a few moments while he mulled that question over. In the end he came back and said that "yes, we are different". He said that he doesn't believe that we are the norm.
At first I was sort of taken aback by his response. It's funny how that happens~ you ask a question, but don't truly want an answer. I digress. I was taken aback at first, but then I realized that maybe we ARE the norm. Maybe we aren't quite so different after all. Maybe the only thing that we possess that some others may not is a sense of conviction. Or maybe we possess a certain kind of courage that others haven't yet found.
Or maybe, just maybe we simply lack the essential filters that are needed (ie: a brain-to-mouth filter) to keep society from dissolving into chaos. =D
I continue to try and convince myself that it doesn't matter what the reasons may be that I am 'different' than society's ideology of 'the norm'. Some day I hope to be a position to accept the fact that I stand apart from my family and some of friends. If I don't find that place of self-acceptance, I may end up just letting life pass me by in my pursuit of normalcy.
And that, my normal AND abnormal friends, would be the ultimate irony and tragedy.