I got to thinking today, about my past relationships with friends, ones that didn't turn out so nice.
I've been angry for a long time, I've held grudges for years and I must admit, I never really got over those last word fights. I've had them bottled up inside me and just never chose to let them out. I may be sorry for how things ended so abruptly, but I am never sorry for explaining how I feel in my heart.
My last friendship that recently ended has opened my eyes to something new though. This is a good thing, it really is. I know that what happened wasn't my fault, I know that I stood my ground in what I believed in and I know that my old friend must have really had some inner issues tugging at her heart, that made her so upset with me. You see, she was never the kind of person to just fly off the handle with emotion. She was always level headed, strong, upbeat and whatever I had to say or however I felt, she would listen and understand. That's what was so wonderful about her.
After everything was said and done, I saw myself going down the path of hatred, rapidly. Just the way I did with my other lost friends. She was trying to take me down with her and I was grabbing on hand over fist.
Until I realized, this isn't what I want. I'm better than this. We get angry at people who have done us wrong, often we don't want to include them in our loving wishes. In fact, they are the last on that list. We want them to suffer and feel the same pain they have done to us, the heartache, the backstabbing, the hurt..whatever it may be. These are not unusual feelings by any means, we all have them. But at this point (at that point) was when I realized how important it was to NOT go down that road.
If I ever want to have more compassion in myself and for others, I need to look beneath my usual emotional outbursts and remember what is important in this life.
I know what is important. My son, my loving husband and my family. I need to focus on those things and realize that using my energy to hate others is energy that I could be putting towards those who deserve it the most.
I've spent a lot of my life around people who make me feel less-than wonderful and these constant emotions have really taken a toll on my self esteem and the way I treat others.
So, from here on out, for those who have hurt me and for those that I've lost friendships with, this journal is for you, afterall, I know you're reading it.
I'll remember all of the wonderful times we spent together and the laughs we shared, not the bad times. Those memories, I'll always cherish in my heart. For everyone that I've grown apart from: You will always have a part in my heart, you were all there for a specific reason at a specific time, thank you for those memories.
I hope you have a wonderful life, I hope you achieve everything you want in your life and for your children and I hope you find the happiness you've been searching for.
"May you be happy, may you be peaceful, may you be free of suffering"