i wonder

[jenndear]

I wonder if I'll ever feel those little baby kicks from the inside again.  I wonder if I'll get to go shopping for tiny clothes and diapers.  I wonder if Riley will be an only child.  I wonder if my body was just not meant to bear children.

This has been such a crappy year.  It's been a good one too, but I feel like it's been a bad luck year for so many people, myself included.  I wonder if 2009 will be better? 

I want another baby really bad.  I don't let myself ever think about it because it just makes me sad over Aiden and the baby I lost in May.  I also feel like it "jinxes" me to think or want or hope for another baby.  And I know that I don't even want just ONE more, I want 2 or 3 more!  I might as well be hoping for a million bucks to drop out of the sky and land on my lawn.

My whole life I've felt like my "role" was to be a mom.  I know I am not unique in this feeling, many women feel like they were born to be mothers which is a good thing since we're the only ones who can do it.  It seems like a cruel joke to install this feature in us but then not wire the baby making machinery properly.  I've had two miscarriages and a preterm baby.  My only living child was also born premature.  Some women are just great at being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding...sadly I am not one of those.  I had to take medicine to regulate everything when I was pregnant with Riley and I still ended up having him 4 weeks early.  I am so happy to have him, but I want him to have siblings.  I'm 31 so it's not like I have so much time.  I NEVER thought I would be one of "those women" worrying about her biological clock, but here I am, listening to the ever growing louder tick tock, tick tock...

Sometimes I think I should just go on anti depressants and veg out.  I don't know what's worse...having all these thoughts going through my head or no thoughts (or feelings or emotions at all).  I don't like the idea of having to try different medications until you find the right one.  Then when you do find it, how do you live without it?

My period must be coming soon cuz I'm only like this right before Aunt Flo comes to town!!!