When you fail yourself

[bipolarmom]

When you fail yourself........how many of us do that every day in some way or another.......for most people they look at it as a step back and it was just a bad day.....tomorrow is another day.......for a bipolar.......the failing of oneself can be much more traumatic than that........depending on the level of that failure.........for those of us Bp's who are also diagnosed borderline personality disorder only because they say that Bp's don't cut so they feel the need to add another label to your list of problems......every day that we do not cut is a good day.......it is a day that we are able to deal with our stress........it is a day that we are able to find a way to blow it off........but then we have those days when we do not cope....we do not deal.......and we cannot blow it off.......a day when the stress level has reached such a point that you seem to go into an altered state.......as if you are watching yourself.......you see yourself cutting yet you feel no pain.........you see the blood......but it is as if it is not yours.......until it is over......the adrenaline that was pumping is gone........that is when the pain and the unbearable shame sets in.......only a cutter can understand what I mean......and I hope that maybe in some small way I have helped someone who loves someone who cuts to understand better where they are at when they hit that place.........we know we fail our families...our loved ones.....but they must also understand how much we feel we have failed ourselves......the shame we feel is deep......and it does not just go away in a day........the scars are deeper than just our skin.......we have to feel that shame every time we look at our scars.......we feel the shame every day.........I have gone so far as to get tattoos to cover scars from cutting........many say cutting is about getting attention......I am here to say that is not true as a rule.......we do not want that kind of attention......we do not want that kind of burden to carry every day.....we don't like having to always try to cover our arms......or wherever........I cannot imagine doing something like this just for attention.......I hope that my words have reached the ears that it needed to........as always..peace and love to my friends......I have been gone for awhile.......happy holidays to all.......may it be safe and blessed....

Melody

[javamama84]

Dec. 25, 2008 at 12:01 PM

Very well explained & written.

[bipolarmom]

Dec. 25, 2008 at 12:11 PM

Thanks Brooksie....I can alway count on you to understand where I am coming from.....Love ya.....

(Original Poster)