A Good Woman

[IrishMommaC]

I've been thinking alot lately about what really constitutes being a "good" woman, and I'm coming to conflict. 

I have a very dear friend of mine who has this loser boyfriend.  He's the father of her 3rd son and they've been together (mainly on, a little off) since she told him she was expecting.  The man doesn't work.  He is mean to her.  He doesn't want her to have friends or see her family.  He's generally unsocial (rude to boot) and unpleasant.  Yet, despite all the love and support she has from me (one of like 2 or 3 friends she still has) and her family (who won't let go), she stays with him.  Why?  She doesn't want to split up her family.  She wants to be a good mother.  She sacrafices her own happiness and fullfillment in life, staying with this man (who she does love, but come on!).  She believes she is doing right and being a "good woman."  If he at least held a job and smiled occasionally I might agree with her decision... but is it right?  When we go walking and she talks about stuff with him my automatic responce is that she is a more patient, gentle woman than I am for putting up with him... or is it that she's a doormat and a wimp?

I was reading a post on a different community a few weeks back about someone trying to do a joint birthday party for her child w/ her SIL and the SIL's child.  The behavior of the SIL and the SIL's kid in this post was totally horrendous.  Yet, through the entirety of what felt like a very long, very uncomfortable party in the reading, she held her mouth and allowed her SIL and brat to continue to ruin her daughters party.  Her husband then, afterward, asked her to not make waves about it.  The responce of many women on that board was to the effect of "you're a better woman than me, I would have clawed that b*tches eyes out!"  My conundrum is, does that really make her a better woman?  Does allowing your personal rights to be violated and letting some spoiled little child and the apparently also spoiled parent of that child ruin your child's birthday without facing the problem really improve  your value as a human being?  Or would telling your SIL honestly, and while maintaining one's composure, why next year this will NOT be happening again and why she is NOT welcome to butt in so personally, be the better thing to do?

Here I sit, faced with Christmas and some assinine family politics.  I am dreading seeing my family tomorrow because of the song and dance I'll have to put on to keep the status quo.  To some extent, I'd rather just play nice... and probably will.  Unfortunately, if I get my buttons pushed, that immature part of me is going to rear up and want to really tell my mother what I think of her, while the part of me that wants to be a "good woman" and "not make waves" will make me sit there and cater to her immature babble and take the abuse.  I know that there is a middle road... somewhere between yelling, having a tantrum, and saying exactly what I want in the meanest way possible, and letting my soul just get trampled so as to maintain the status quo.  The question to that is, have I been trying to be a "good woman" to long to stand up for myself when it's warrented? 

[eema.gray]

Jan. 13, 2009 at 12:34 AM A little late for Christmas but I just noticed this post. Will tactfully changing the subject work or are they too dense for that? I would also say that "That subject is not up for discussion," said firmly and strongly and coupled with a change of subject might help reset the boundaries with your family. I hope you got through the holidays without blowing up too badly!

[IrishMommaC]

Jan. 13, 2009 at 1:03 PM

The family is to dense, for changing the subject.  I ended up just walking away from a couple conversations.  In general things went pretty well though.  I, per usual, ended up venting as soon as the kids were in bed.  The whole family made it through the holiday without police, hospitals, or Judge Judy, LOL.

(Original Poster)

[eema.gray]

Jan. 13, 2009 at 1:40 PM Venting works, lol! Glad you survived without involving police or hospitals. Walking away might be the only thing to do. Course, your whole family is probably muttering about "what a rude girl that Claire has become," for you walking away from conversations! Family issues suck.

[IrishMommaC]

Jan. 13, 2009 at 8:39 PM

LOL...When it comes to my mother, being rude would be the least of my offenses.  I don't want to be a parent like that.  I want my adult children to enjoy being with me and not feel like they're going to have to be sick just because they're attending a gathering.  The "funny" part about it is that my mother gets the same way about her mother.  She swore up and down she'd be different...but never bothered to figure out what that would mean.  Thankfully, I've been told time and time again to not focus on what I don't want, but to focus on what I do want... and that always involves figuring out how people actually have those nice relationships I want in my life.

(Original Poster)