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Estranged Daughter
- Dec 26, 2008 at 9:50 AM
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- Comments (8) Total Views (151) Everyone can see this journal post.
My daughter and I haven't been speaking for a few years but it has gotten better!! (SHe was a pretty difficult teen!! lots of drinking and was violent towards me) She did show up at my parents 50th and we had a great time and in Nov 4th she called me on told me she loved me out of the blue and that was the last time I spoke with her. I tried numerous time to get her address so I could send her presents and I was totally ignored. Finally for Christmas I never heard from her until about 3:00 and I check my messages and she texted me Merry Christmas. That is what I got. I was hurt and pissed. I did call her back and said did you text me? She replied that she mass texted everyone and yeah that was it. I got upset and said you couldn't even phone me on Christmas. She started in on all the dirt from years ago and until I apoligized to her she is done with me!!! (I have nothing to be sorry for) I am so hurt I would rather have had no phone call at all than a mass text message. My daughter is 23 years old and I thought she would have grown up by now. My friends tell me she will learn some day but how long am I going to have to wait? Are there any moms out there who maybe had a wild past and regret how they treated their parents. I just need a little assurance that she will figure it out someday!!!
Comments:
My guess is that she is probably just as hurt as are you. Hurting people hurt other people. In order to get past the hurt, someone will have to decide to not allow herself to be hurt any more. Things would probably have moved along more smoothly had you not called her and told her you were hurt that she only sent you a general "Merry Christmas." At least she included you. If this relationship is to ever be mended, you will have to learn to recognize and be grateful for the small steps and not be expecting gigantic ones. That's not usually the way these things progress.
I know this may not be want you are looking for but just offering up another view. The thing is that you will never be able to change the way your daughter acts in her relationship with you. The only thing you can change in the relationship is how you act in it. It sounds as if you both may keep having the same interactions with each other again and again with nothing changing. The only way to change it is to change your responses.
Please know I am not okaying anything she might have done over the years . . . however it sounds like she feels unheard by you. That she feels you played a part and now are not taking responsibility for it. What she may really need from you -- right or wrong -- is you looking at things and admitting to any mistakes that may have been made -- no matter what she had done.
I have to admit this response comes from my own mother/daughter relationship. My mother made a lot of mistakes while I was growing up and we have a very good relationship. And the reason we have a good relationship in part is because she has admitted her mistakes.
You know none of us know the true dynamics of your relationship . . . only the two of you do . . . so anything we say has to be taken with a grain of salt. I do wish both of you a great healing in your relationship!
I never did anything wrong. Maybe I need to explain more. She left at 18 talked me into co-signing her apartment since in Neb. you have to be 19. She had a pretty good scholarship but she partied her self out of college. She drinks alot. She trashed her friends stuff, bounced her rent check, I had to pay it and I had parents threatening to sue me for her damages. THose kids were no better but she was the one who did the damage to their property. Also since it was a year lease I was facing being sued for that and the only choice I had was trying to get her evalutated for drugs and alchol so I had to have her rights signed to a facility. That is the only thing the other parents would agree too. She wasn't speaking to me and refused treatment. So yeah basically I had to have her forced by signing papers to commit her to a state evaluation. .THe problem was they couldn't find her till after she turned 19 which then became a fiasco. She also created a 500.00 cell bill which I had to break the contract because she wouldn't stop which created an extra 200 to break contractShe was drinking alot in high school and I tried to call her coach once and she caught me and through me against a shelf and my husband had to hold her down. And she claims he hit her (Did not Happen)which he was simply trying to protect me. Did I mention she drove someone else's car and she wrecked it and hurt the passenger then dumped them at a hospital then fled the scene. It was crazy. She also drinks alot now and as my daughter puts it drinks till she is passed out. Her dad was abusive and somethings she claims happened as a young child simply didn't happed to me but I think happened to the 2nd wife. My daughter has always been self-centered and I tried to give her everything as a youth as far as attention. She is very smart but she goes through alot of boyfriends because of her hot -head and she needs alot of attention. I have told her that I wish things turned out differently and I thought we had mended fences I truly don't think I deserve a mass-text message. I called her back because I have been putting up with 4 years of distance and there are times when I think it gets better but then she suddenly will blow me off. !!! I am truly thinking it will take till she has a daughter just like her to figure it out. But I don't want that to happen either. No one should go through the circumstances we both went through with her dad. But she is an adult now and need to take charge to her life and be responsible for her decisions without blaming others.
savywifey222 Dec. 26, 2008 at 9:53 AM (Delete)
"need to take charge to her life and be responsible for her decisions without blaming others."
I couldn't have said it better myself dear 
friend, you are exactly right.
Sorry Lori. Someday maybe she'll realize what a good Mom you are....until then, just know in your heart that you have done all you can do.
Wow does this hit home. I too have a daughter who has given me so much trouble her whole life and she blames it all on being adopted. Well, her bro and her are adipted from south Korea at ages 5mos, and 3 mos. She was home for Christmas and good to me for about 5 days now, but then she goes and the trouble starts. She is 20 going on 21 in January. We have been through Juvenile courts retitution, HPV and an angel baby grandbaby 2 years ago and the story goes on. All I can say is that I will pray for you and your daughter that peace will finally come. Hugs, Marsha
Someday I pray she will grow up....know you are a good Mother, I truly think it will take her to have a child of her own to really grow up. Lets only hope anyway. Just try to not let this hurt you anymore. life is too short.
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Meet jessicasmom1
This Pennsylvania mom of a 12-year-old girl wishes her daughter's father was still alive to see his little girl all grown up now.
I would say reevaluate everything that was done by both of you in the past. My mom also feels that I have been bad to her in the past but I remeber it differently then she does. She remebers doing no wrong and that I was violent and disrespectful. I remember that I only struck her in self defence. We speak but she often brings up the past. I have apologized for any wrong she feels I have done to her. Maybe you could do the same. I hope you work it out with her.
- sadiee21
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