I don't wanna be me

[amandad0225]

I don't want to be me.  to look in the mirror and see the nonbeauty. to have the feelings of sorrow and ugly right under the surface.  I can't be me any more it drives me crazy.  i cant have anytime to sort my feelings because i am mommy.  i am only mommy and a wife.  im no longer amanda.  i dont do anything that amanda would do.  don't hang out with people, dont talk to people, cant ever go anywhere.  i am jealous of my husband who is carefree and can go out and have fun while leaving me with the kids.  why me?  why am i the one that can't have an idenity anymore?  why am i the one with the kids and cant have fun like you.  I hate myself for feeling this way feeling unhappy because i can't do anything.  I give up on trying to make him want to be with me and not playing with his friends.  i give up on trying to be more than a wife and a mommy.  it will not happen so why bother.  I don't want to be me. I feel guilty for feeling this way yet nothing i do changes it.  i'm unattractive and no beauty supplies will ever change it because it comes from under the skin.  I am me and thats all i can do is be me.

[Della529]

Dec. 27, 2008 at 12:12 AM

I feel you.

[c_wallek]

Jan. 1, 2009 at 6:29 AM

after reading your post, i decided to chekc out your profile. lately ive been feeling sort of the way you are. i feel like im constantly giving, all day everyday. its always about my son and my husband. anything they want, they have and im always put on the back burner and although i love my husband, he doesnt seem to have a problem taking and not giving. i wanted some kind of surgical procedure (im an A cup) and hes been telling me that we'll get it done. then he decides to buy a motorcycle (we could ahve used that money for it), then he reenlists and says with some of the money we'll get what i want.. now he needs a vehicle, because starting next year college will be a 45 min commute for me. he needs one to pick up our son from daycare if he ever gets off work early (5am-8m work schedule, usually 28 days a month). and so, yet again.. mommy is on hold. i wanted him to buy me things for xmas, because i dont buy things for myself. if i dont need it, then i dont get it. i cant explain it, thats just the way i am. so i was hoping xmas would be my chance to get the things i wanted without needing them. he got me something totally random, while i went out and spent tons of money and planning on everything he got. idk. i just feel lost in myself. i feel like the only identity i have is mommy and a military wife, and people believe military wives are a certain way, or should do certain things. you have to be on at all times, because you never know who is around and whos watching. sometimes i wish i just didnt care so much.

[alwaysmom98]

Jan. 30, 2009 at 11:36 PM

Yup...most of us are there with you. It's hard, knowing that there is never a break in sight, or a way to change anything.You kinda hit the point where you stop trying because you know nothing will ever change...and then what?? Seems like either you give in to not wanting more and become depressed and lethargic (sp??) or you keep trying to be yourself and never make it and are always angry..Don't know what to tell you..but sorry:(

[yowza]

Apr. 3, 2009 at 1:42 AM

You need to work out a schedule where you can go and be Amanda. You also need to tell your husband how you feel. If he won't stay home with the kids to give you a break, then you need to inform him that you will be getting a babysitter to watch the kids and the money to pay for the babysitter will come out of the money he spends for his play time. If he gives you the line of, "Well, I work all day....I need some down time." You tell him you work all day too...24/7 and you do not get a break. If he says, "Well, you can watch TV and take naps, etc., then say. Okay. I challenge you to stay home with all the kids, all day, and you will go out and find a job to provide for the family. Believe me,...after just a few days, he will decide to go back to work and kindly say, "It takes someone with ovaries to do this job!" Thus giving you a left handed compliment. Also, with-holding sex until you get what you want works really, really WELL!!!   Do this not because you are trying to be mean but because he is being selfish to think he can go out and play all he wants and come home and eat his cake too. If he wants "cake" then he'd better help you out so that you are in the mood to express love and appreciation in a physical way. If you're not having sex anyway, then ask your hubby, "What do you want out of our marriage?" This should open up a discussion about what both of you want out of marriage, life and what your expectations are of each other. Set some goals that both of you can obtain together and personally. Set time aside to reach these goals. Go out on a date every week even if you don't spend money...you need some alone time just to be together even if you're not intiment. Tell him that we can either work together to stay together....and focus on the family or we can keep on doing what we have been doing and then one day find that you are splitting apart. You need one day a week for family time even if it is only for an hour....talk, have fun, play together, if your religous--pray together, teach your kids morals, values and things that will help them in their lives and are valuable to you. You must do this for age appropiateness too but I promise you, if you will do this, your family ties with children and your husband will happily bind you all together.