How do you tell her that he's still your son?

[jimbosmom]

Following an extended stay in basic training due to a broken bone, my son finished his AIT and went to Texas to marry a girl he spent months in rehab with as she had also broken bones but took a medical discharge. My son was older than most, 26, upon completion of AIT and I told him to follow his heart.

I was so happy for him, he found a job that fit him as a glove, a girl he loved with his entire heart and as a mother I was content to see my second son settle his life.

I had the most horrible mother-in-laws (mils) and vowed never to be that way. My first son's wife and I are very close, crazy and best of friends (as much as a MIL/DIL can be).

My second son was a difficult child to raise and until the day he went to the army at age 25, I was still buying underwear and socks and he was still living in my spare room. We were very close. My new DIL has decided there is no place for me in their lives. PERIOD.

I have shared financially in their lives, have never bad mouthed or tried to put myself in between them. When she became pregnant I was thrilled. But, I was told that I wasn't needed because she has a family.

On the day my son left for Afghanistan last week, I had surgery for double mastectomy. On that day, my DIL left a phone message at my empty home saying that she didn't see the need for us to stay in touch during my son's deployment and if the baby isn't going to see his father for another year or more, then he doesn't need to see me. After all, he has her family and my son's father's family to love him. When my son comes home I can deal with him if I want to see them.

Is this legal? Do I have any rights as a grandmother?

[barby402000]

Dec. 26, 2008 at 4:51 PM

I don't know about legal rights, but god grief, what kind of girl is she? I know MIL/DIL's sometimes don't get along, but this is ridiculous. Unless you are a really terrible person, doesn't she understand that the more family the child is loved by the better off they are?

[SFerber]

Dec. 26, 2008 at 4:53 PM

First, praying for you with your surgery.  One of the last things you need to be worrying about is anything to stress your body. 

I believe in flipping the script a little. Let her know that while you know she is a cabable mom, full of family that you want to be connected and in their lives.  Let her know that you are thrilled for their growing family and that you are pleased to have her as a dil (although she seems to be a pain in the neck!!!)

Let her know that while she may not be in need of you, you are in need of her.  For in this hour you truly are.

[Oliviasmommy131]

Dec. 26, 2008 at 4:56 PM

You have legal granparent rights. Not sure on your state, but you do have legal rights to see your child. If they were married when the child was born then he is legally your grand child. If they were not married when the child was born then it is more difficult because a paternity test would have to confirm your son's fatherhood before you would have any rights. I'm not sure how that would work since he is deployed.

But certainly try to talk to her rationally, if that doesn't work, involve the legal system. I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.

[southenrmunchkn]

Dec. 26, 2008 at 5:13 PM

I agree with above poster, try talking to her. She may think that she doesn't need you in her and her families life right now, but hopefully she will soon realize that you are simply trying to get to know her and see your son and grandchild. Deployments are hard on families.

My mil and I didn't get along very well for awhile. Now we talk several times a week. Every time her son calls I call her and let her know he's all right. If she says he hasn't called her in awhile I remind him to try and take a few minutes to call her. I realized at some point during his second deployment that I needed her as much as she needed me. She was the only one in the family who truely understood how much I missed him. She was the one who didn't care if I called her at 3 am to talk about her son just because I couldn't sleep without him there.  If he did something totally boneheaded, she understood. Now she's one of my best friends. I hope that your new daughter in law realizes the same. That she takes the time to get to know you and your family.

[jimbosmom]

Dec. 31, 2008 at 5:07 PM

Thanks for your support! I think the first problem is that she has a serious problem with interactions outside of her own family. She was home schooled and never experienced  relationships with those outside of her own comfort zone. I have Multiple Sclerosis and must inject interferon weekly which affects my personality. The MS also causes me to laugh when I shouldn't, cry when it's not appropriate, have no balance, so it appears that I've been drinking. The MS induces Fibromyalgia and a rare skin disorder. On Good Friday this year, I had a Grand Mal seizure that caused me to code for nearly 4 minutes! My DIL informed me that I was faking it, trying to get attention from my son. That, she tells me, is the reason I got cancer, so he would run to me! She just turned 20, Jim will be 28.

I have praised her until I was blue in the face, purchased their bed, comforter, and pillows, bought the baby's nursery - crib, changing table, dresser,and a glider rocker. I bought them a video camera so Jim can see his son while he's gone.

I can't write to her, she sent it back 'return to sender,' emails come back because she has changed her email addres and she won't answer the phone if she sees my name on caller ID.

Thanks again for istening! Maybe I should contact AARP to see whch states have passed the grandparent law. We checked several years ago when my husband wanted to see his grandchildren, but only Ohio had a law on the books regarding the rights of grandparents.

(Original Poster)

[isabellalecour]

May. 13, 2009 at 6:23 PM

VIRGINIA: Determination of grandparent visitation is made during a suit for dissolution of the marriage of the child's parents. Adoption cuts off all visitation rights of grandparents.

http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights