It's good to have boundaries

[jacobsmom707]

Today I told my mom that there should be boundaries in our relationship and that perhaps she too easily crosses them when she tells me too much.  She did not like this.  Her response was, "I didn't know that I couldn't express my feelings and be myself with you."  She cried and eventualy, I had to ask her to leave.  The funny thing is, I do not feel remorseful for saying this to her because I know that I am right.  I am tired of her sharing all of her feelings and experiences with me.  My gosh, she is my mom, not my best friend.  She told me that all she wants from me is to acknowledge her feelings and perhaps offer up some empathy.  She wants me to say, "It's okay, mom, I understand how you feel."  I did that for almost 25 years!  Since I've been married, I've pulled back a lot and started to push back.  I've got a husband to attend to and a child to care for.  I'm not her parent.  She needs to take care of herself and keep things to herself.  I'm sorry that she doesn't have a close friend to talk to, but that's not my fault.  She's the one who can't maintain her relationships. 

There.  I'm glad I got that off of my chest.

[Drewsmommy2006]

Dec. 27, 2008 at 4:01 PM

Wow, this sounds like the kind of conversations that I had to talk to my mom about for a very long time. I have gone to much therapy over it and have tried things that were successful and not so successful. It's such a hard thing, no doubt. I remember days when I was younger that I used to cry and couldn't get out of bed because I would place a boundary and my mom would throw her version of a tantrum which worked on me every time, I was living with my husband which was my boyfriend at the time then too (your situation may not be as severe or perhaps it is but the manipulation is all the same). The ONLY thing that worked for me was to place boundaries and stick to them. It's been many years since these tough times and my mom and I have a relationship but it is always one that I have to have my guard up because at any time she could take the opportunity to behave in a toxic manner. I have always been the parent and I have always been such an adult from an early age because of it. I vowed that my son would not be manipulated in the same way. So this is why every day that I am with her I am on guard and I will even leave in the middle of our day if I have to (that hasn't happened in a while). I must say that it does get better, stick to your guns, you did the right thing. I hope this helps.

[Davida]

Dec. 27, 2008 at 8:37 PM

Good for you girl!  You did it!  I knew you could and would when you were ready!  You are so awesome!  Such a brave and courageous person!  Your boys are lucky to have you!

[momK3rcc]

Dec. 27, 2008 at 11:59 PM

My mom died when I was 18 so I can't relate as a daughter but as a mother, I don't share everything with my daughter. I get told constantly by David and my ex-husband to be her mom, not her friend.  I am slowly seeing this. You did the right thing. At least you feel a heck of a lot better!

[xtina34]

Dec. 28, 2008 at 1:33 AM

I kinda have a minor version of what you have going on with your mother, with mine.  She had me at 16 and has always treated me more like an equal or "friend" than a daughter.  As I become a mother, I started resenting her for it and she is the one person in the world that gets under my skin the most.  It's kinda sad too, because she is not at all a bad mother. I know she would do anything for me and my son, and she is a lot of fun to be around (most of the time).  I just wish it was more of a mother/daughter relationship than a "Friendship" sometimes.  I dunno, I kinda feel guilty for complaining, I know some people have it WAY worse or they have lost their mother and would give anything to have what I have. 

I think it was brave of you to tell your mother what you told her.  I wish I had the courage.

 

[jlm202610]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 4:10 PM

You did good...if more people could do the same, they'd be a lot happier in their relationships! It sounds like you were a "parentalized child"...not a good role to put a kid in!

[deputywife]

Jan. 4, 2009 at 9:47 PM

You did what you needed to for your sanity.  Good for you!  Sometimes parents have to realize that once their children are adults, they have thier own lives to tend too.  Forunately, I am not in a similar situation.  Your main priority now is John and Jacob and while parents are important, you can't have guilt for your mother wanting you to parent her so it is good that your clairified the boundries you have set for her.

My mother was never really part of my life much. She was never one I could talk to and go to for advice. I was always strong willed and more then she could handle.  Not a bad kid, but very driven to have things my way and she really held me back. Probably, one of the many reasons I guard myself and I made some pretty un-wize decisions in my younger life.  To this day my mother and I get tired of eachother after a couple days together and we are 2,100 miles apart.