Adoption . . . I wonder

[casjoh]

I wonder sometimes as I read through some of the other journal posts here . . .

I wonder if I were to claim my adoption experience was so great, so wonderful, would I receive the same great compliments I see so often from amoms in other adoption posts instead of the accusations of being bitter and angry.

If I were to lie and say my experience, my son's experience, was the best it could have been, would I find the same support, the same encouragement, as is posted in those who are "happy" with their situation.

Is that what it takes to get support from so many in the world of adoption.  Do you have to be happy, accepting, and sometimes even denying the truth to get words of encouragement?  Do you have to come out and say adoption is the best choice in order to find a kind word from the many who travel these journals?

I wonder . . .

Because I see so many who travel these adoption forums, so many who have kind, caring words for those who are happy or content with their situation.  And yet, so often, these very same kind, caring, people are the first ones to attack when I, or others, speak out about our experience, our children's experience.

These same women are the ones who prefer we stay silent when we speak of falling victim to the tactics of the adoption industry.  The same ones who offer such great encouragement and respect for moms who are happy with adoption while being so quick to discount or take away from the reality of the abuse we have faced through adoption.

I wonder . . .

Is the drive to keep adoption in such a great light so strong that it disregards the pain and grief so many have felt along this journey.  Has it really come to a point where we deny mothers and children their pain, their loss, in order to avoid bad marks against what is to be such a wonderful option for so many?

Is it really not a part of us to reach out and comfort, support, and encourage those who have been hurt by the industry.  Is it really necessary to attack and accuse those who speak out with darker stories while reaching a friendly hand out to those who only speak of the good?

Have we really come to this point?  Is this really where we are now?

To attack those that are hurting in a hope to silence them while encourage those who express happiness so that their stories will be the only ones heard.

And all in an attempt to continue the process of adoption that hurts so many and leaves an emptiness in the hearts of the mothers and children who have lost.

I wonder . . .

Is the gain in those who benefit from adoption really worth turning a cold shoulder to those who have lost so much?

[onethentwins]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 12:23 AM

Dear Cassie, your post couldn't have come at a better time for me. It's like you stole the words from my heart. I'm going to PM you. Denise

[Jesusiswelcome]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 1:58 AM

casjoh,

all adoptions are not perfect.

We adopted a little boy when he was 11 months old. i called him the child born of my heart. He loved us so much and for the first couple years I just could not keep my hands off from him. I was so happy, so proud to be hs mama. He was a good boy and loved everyone.

We always had an open adoption (which I will forever regret and will tell anyone DO NOT HAVE IT THAT WAY!) Well, she never came for visits, sometimes she would run into us in the store and it got awkward for her and our son. Two years ago he found her on that rotten Myspace and they contacted one another. I was o.k. with that because we believed we had a good foundation built and that he knew he was our son.

The visits began~~~couple hours at a time, then she would not bring him back or be there when we drove the 170 miles to get him. The first time I freaked. I just knew that she left with him. He was almost 16. Finally at 2 in the morning she had him call us and he said how sorry he was; but, she just would not listen when he said that he needed to be back. I ended contact between them. He was very upset with that.

Anyways, it went to him saying that he was at his older sisters house~~~our daughter; I would call the next day to talk to him or ask him when he was coming home and my daughter hadn't even seen him. He was with his bio. mom and sister. When he was with us he became awful saying that he hated us, wanted to be with her..........................yata yata yata. He left home on Mother's Day last year before we woke and has never been back.

He calls once in awhile; but, it is not the same.

He drinks, takes drugs, sleeps with a girl when he is at her home, she buys his alcohol and cigarettes.

We were crushed!

I honestly felt like my son had died.

I love him, I always will. If I was to adopt again..........................I would really have to think about it.

[randi1978]

Dec. 30, 2008 at 2:31 PM

I think it is because we are shadowed by the women who surrender their children and then still try to run the show when it comes to the upbringing of the children.  We are seen as no different than them.  While my experience was nowhere near as terrible as yours, I see the same comments from time to time when I talk about it.  Adoptive moms who say that "their" birth mother was a control freak who interfered with their child constantly and I should be "grateful" that the couple that adopted my daughter still keep me updated.  But most people have to realize that there are those of us who would never dream of interfering with their lives and merely want to be assured that our children are growing up into happy and healthy individuals.  That the part of their personality that is genetic isn't stifled because it's "not like their parents"...

I'm rambling and probably don't make a lot of sense right now.  Adoption doesn't excuse abuse.  End of story.  The overall thought that just because your son was adopted means that the abuse he suffered isn't real or important makes me gag and it should make anyone gag, not defend the woman who adopted him.

[WISCONSON3]

Dec. 30, 2008 at 5:03 PM

I wonder also at times when I need to ask questions if my sisters out there are really truthful about how they see each other. My JOURNEY IS STILL new and I may never have a relationship that is whole.  I struggle with conversations with the younger moms and those who only let out the truth one sentence at atime and Im not ever going to have a positive relationship with her adoptive parents so this is a loss for me. Thanks for your post it makes perfect sense. MLOU

[rach1217]

Dec. 30, 2008 at 7:50 PM

Well said casjoh... I really appreciate your post.

I wonder the same things.... :(

 

I'm glad we have each other as birthmothers. Someday, someone will bring an awareness to us, and the dark side of adoption... I hope that someday is soon.....

[Bryn1020]

Jan. 5, 2009 at 10:27 PM

As an adoptive mom I can totally related to this post, on the flip side.  I have said kind words to birthmothers, with no response back.  I feel (and not because anyone has said this) that no matter how gracious I am, I can never be worthy of their attention, because I am a painful reminder of who does have a happy ending in the adoption process.  No judgements, just expressing my thoughts. 

[carrielee75]

Jan. 5, 2009 at 10:56 PM

I live each day hoping and wishing that when my son turns 18( which is in less then three years) that he wants to know me. I miss him, and wish I was never told that that was my only decision I could make then. I want him to be in my life so bad.  I could never do abortion, but I was told that the ONLY solution was ADOPTION. I know he was with a good home, and that they loved him as if  he was their own. I would never want to take that away.  I just want him to know that he was loved even from a far, and by two moms.  One that could be there physically and one that loved him from the moment she set eyes on him.