Lost Love

[Dori411]

Hi,

The love was only 8 weeks old.I got to know about the love only after 5 weeks.And in 3 weeks i wanted to hug the soft body.What i wanted to do with the baby are all dreams and the reality is i lost the pregnancy at 8 weeks.I have an image which is its onlyn memory.I was with the nurse for the scan at 6 weeks and she told that this is the beating heart of the foetus.I blinked my eye and thought that the baby will be with me in another 34 weeks.That gaze clicked like a camera and only i can see the picture in my memory.That beating heart that would been my child but it broke into pieces and my body threw it.Whom should i blame for the death.The loss of pregnancy is beyond explaination.I wanted the child desperately as i have my parents far away.I had only this relation which could have been my new blood relation.Everyone expects me to overcome my grief but i feel jealous whenever i see a pregnant ladies or the ones who are declaring their pregnancies now.I have this guilt feeling that if i wouldn't  have done this or that even i could have been carrying a baby by now.I know it is againt all moral standards and i am the eldest in my in-laws family so they expect me to be goody -goody.I don't know but there is a jealousy.I have heard about other pregnancies in my office but when my sister in law declared her pregnancy i had a emotional burst of tears and anger.I feel as if injustice has been done to me.It has been 3 months i don't know when the pain will subside.I am down with another loss.Another miscarriage,i have lost all the innocence related to pregnancy.All other things seems to have lost importance.But i am helpless now.I don't think i have done anything wrong but yes i have to show courage repeatedly unless and until i succeed.Hope keeps things moving.I have to be strong ,hold steadfast to god,keep saying my prayers.There's lot more to do before i have god's gift.I think i am still not a good humanbeing to bring a baby back to home.I have to teach him all the good things and all moral lessons which my parents taught me.It's a big responsibility.I have to go on in life with whatever little courage i have.Life never seemed to be so difficult but i think my attitude towards it will make it more difficult.I can't change my life but i can change my attitude.It's quite preachy but let's see how far i succeed.

[wrtmom]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 1:44 PM

It will ease. I am SURE you did nothing to cause the loss. There was a reason the baby was not to be here with you. Either there was a problem with the baby that just could not be detected yet or there will be circumstances in your life that could not be with a baby at this time. I lost a baby at 10 weeks  9 years ago this week; although I miss my son ( I am sure it was a boy) I know that he would not have had the best life if he had been born. Huggs for you and my best wishes for you while you grieve and recover.  Give yourself permission to grieve and it will be easier, don't try to just "get over it" it was a real loss and it hurts

[Dori411]

Dec. 31, 2008 at 7:34 AM

Thanks for the concern.I want to talk about the loss but all the ladies in my family are not willing to talk about it.Ya i know it is loss and it will subside but it really hurts.Really painful.This pain becomes a part of memory.The lost child is a special person and I can neither see him nor forget him.It'll always be dear to me.Unseen but most loved.

(Original Poster)

[ivelostmyself]

Jan. 8, 2009 at 2:40 PM

i am so sorry this happened to you, and that you dont feel you have a support system to rely on. please feel free to send me a message if you want to talk about it with someone. i have had a couple of miscarriages myself. im sorry.

[Freela]

Jan. 8, 2009 at 4:57 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I too lost my first pregnancy towards the end of the first trimester.  I know how heartbreaking it is.  It was seven years ago and the raw pain has faded, but I will always always remember the child I lost.  ((HUGS)) and wishing you peace.