The sacrifice

[LeeLeeCandleGrl]

When I was younger I used to wonder why women would allow themselves to deter from the things they stuck to in their youth. You know what I mean, the salon trips, the new shoes, outfits, etc.

We are born with guilt. Why is that? Most moms I know feel guilty just getting what they need let alone what they want. Even when their kids are already taken care of. Sure Oprah, Dr. Phil, Tyra Banks will all tell you that you should take care of you. Even Joyce Meyer will tell you that. But how do you do it? I mean really....how do you?

I looked in the mirror the other day and cried. Well it could have been PMS that triggered it but the feeling was real. And I have been feeling like this for quite awhile. Not depressed. Just sad. Sad that some of my lacking is my fault. There were decisions made that I could have done differently to benefit myself more. But I chose for them to benefit my children. And why do we have to choose? This is one of those great questions I plan to ask our almight Lord when I see His face.

Is it just a mom thing? Or a parent thing? Does my husband have the same thoughts of grandeur from the past? Ok, maybe not granduer because life was pretty ugly then as well. I was not nearly as close to God then when I was single without children. But I had many material things that I dont have now.

It just hurts when you want to go somewhere and get out and have some fun but when you go to your closet you have nothing nice to wear, and your hair is a mess and you havent gotten a pair of shoes that cost more than $20 in two years.

Looking at the new year approaching I have all these thoughts in my head of what I want to be different. What I want to be better. What I want to be optimistic about but the past and its patterns continue to surface. The things that never came to pass, the dreams that are fun to talk about...but......when you know that it wont happen.....it isnt fun anymore. It isnt fun to window shop anymore because you really know that the chance that you will even be able to come back next week when it goes on sale isnt bigger than a grain of salt.

My poor husband. He is wonderful but he isnt perfect. We have talked about a lot of things lately. And he has promised to make 2009 the best year ever for our family. But I dont feel it. I dont feel it happening. I used to. I used to feel like it would happen. But each year that passes by tells me more and more that my dreams are just that. Things that I tuck away when the sun rises.

Life is this....husband, babies, household, church. And that is it. Nothing much else. And the sooner I get used to it the better right? I have never been so bored and uninspired in my life. And I was stationed in some far off places that people hadnt heard of.

The husband was hurt by my revelation that everything would remain the same.And he took it as his fault since he is the breadwinner and I am home with the kids. I didnt mean for it to be that way at all. I was just saying that usually history repeats itself. No matter how hard you try.

Without giving too much of my personal info away I was hurt. I was hurt recently when we decided to do something that benefitted me. This was not the first time we decided to do something that would make me happy. And each time for one reason or another that thing had to go away. And I was back to where I was before. And it isnt his fault because I went along with it. I could have stuck to it. I could have forced his hand. But that would have only created another problem you see.

So what is this thing we call sacrifice and what is it for? What do we learn by giving up so much? How long does one have to or should wait for things to turn back around? Life was so much simpler when I was 19. Life was full of excitement. And sin...yes, there was the sin. But, there was a lot that wasnt sin and it was still exciting. The traveling, the friends....what are friends? Hey I got three that I barely see.

I know I must sound depressing. But believe it or not I am not depressed. I am on my period and I always think like this when I am on my period. Funny how that happens. The issues are still there any other time. Just when my period shows up I cannot ignore it.

Oh, well. Maybe I will watch a sappy movie today. Or a comedy. That will make me feel better a comedy.

[mommyunique]

Dec. 29, 2008 at 2:34 PM

Don't tell anyone that I said this, but Kat Williams will make you smile :).

What's up girl? It seems as though you haven't been taking care of your star player. Well guess what, neither have I. My health is a mess right now...different day different journal lol. But love you have to look at the bright side of things. I KNOW what you're feeling is real. Honestly, every time I make a decision not to have sex anymore, history repeats itself. So I kinda know what you mean. I got my hair braided when I was in Blythe and I felt guilty about that! My hair is slowly but surely growing back and anytime I think about going to the shop to get a press or curl I just feel like I can't....I don't know why. Vanna has all the toys, diapers, food, and clothes that a baby could possibly need. So why is it that as soon as I do something for myself I feel bad about it. I think it is a motherly guilt thing. Because I can promise you, if mark wants to buy something, and he can afford it, and vanna has what she needs, he will buy it and not think twice about it.

I really hope I am one of those 3 friends you mentioned. But I am also sorry that we don't get to see each other as often as I would like. I was dating ALOT to say the least in December. And it definitely effected my friendship with you and my friendship with God. I apologize.

No matter how your flesh may feel...your spirit has a little glimmer of hope at least that 2009 will be different. That's the part i'm holding on to, the glimmer. I don't know how to make 09 different. I don't know how to stop letting history repeat itself. But that's what the Lord is there for. The truth of the mattter is, we as a body have to draw closer to him now than ever before. I used to complain that I didn't have enough time for devotion. Then God took me back and showed me something that he gave to  me when I was about 15. He took me to (I believe it was) the book of Matthew, when Christ got up early in the morning before sunrise to seek his face. And there ain't no tellin' what time Christ went to bed the night before....that's SACRIFICE. If we want things to be different, if we want life to be blessed we are going to have to tap into a deeper level of sacrifice. I believe that once we are seeking the Lord with all our heart, he will feel whatever voids we have. And yes (despite what others may think) I believe that can be a shopping void, getting your hair done, etc.

When I was really lost and didn't know what to do with myself, suicidal, and thinking of returning to Blythe, GOD SENT ME YOU! And no, you're not my God, but his characteristics and his light shone through you and drew me closer to Him.

God knows what we need to make us feel better. He knows what we need in order to have good self-esteem. Of course its not all in material things, but those are important too sometimes. And I believe God understands that.

Well I guess i've said enough lol. I'll be praying for you and your family....my family.

STAY ENCOURAGED!