Mood swings like.... WHAT?!

[Flora24]

So yesterday, I had a massive moody fit. It was completely out of the blue and my poor husband is the one that suffered. I'm not sure what to do. I'm almost 4 months pregnant, stuck living in a city where I know virtually nobody. We have no family and a 15 month year old to take care of. I've been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated lately. It sucks that I don't have friends around here, because I have no one to talk to on a daily basis. I blame myself. I've pretty much shut down all lines of communication with any of my old friends. I am part of MOMS Club here in Lexington, even part of a playgroup, but I pretty much avoid them like the plague. I'm not sure where I crossed over to this anti-social being. I realize the most important thing I can do for myself is to create a network of mothers, especially those who stay at home and/or are pregnant. I used to surround myself with my friends because I've never been close to my family. Friends have always been my support system and now I don't even bother going online to try and meet some people.

Well, I've made the decision that with a new year just around the corner, I need to make some real changes. I don't normally make resolutions, but I feel this one is necessary. I have to force myself to open up more. I've got to really try to make some friends or I think I will just drive myself deeper in this self-loathing, pity fest I live in. I am insecure. I'll admit it. I'm afraid of what others really think of me. I even wonder why people ever like me in the first place. Especially my husband. He is the one who suffers the most because he has to deal with me when I get sad and have these ridiculous mood swings. Yesterday he asked me what was wrong with me, and I honestly couldn't think of a reason. Yes, I'm pregnant and could blame hormones, but is that really the answer? Nope. I am 99% sure it is mostly everything else.

I love being a mother. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me- well her and her dad tie.... but sometimes I find myself resenting the fact that I ever let myself get in to this situation. Then I think, "I can't believe I've done it again". I didn't think I was ready to become a mother the first time, and now I'm pregnant again! Some days I STILL don't think I'm ready to be a mother. The idea of the commitment that I've made is terrifying. Now, I always have someone else that I truly have to worry about. For the rest of my life, this person can possibly effect me in the most profound ways possible, am I ready for that? Maybe it seems strange to the normal person, but for anyone who is truly not close to there parents or other relatives, you could possibly relate. Maybe its because this type of relationship is so new to me. I don't think my parents loved me the way I love her. I don't know if I can show her my love for her because I was never taught how. Its all so awkward for me. Even in trying to love my husband it is hard. I have walls and I have secrets. There are things I am torn as to whether I should tell him that happened in the past. They are things that stem from the darkest moments of my life, so I wonder if I should just let them be the past or let him know what they are. I feel like if he doesn't know these things, he doesn't really know me... Well, this is going to have to be continued later. The baby just woke up, so I have to go get her...

[HayHayMarie2009]

Jan. 12, 2009 at 6:43 AM

Wow hun.  This is pretty deep.  I understand the whole not having any friends or anyone to talk to.  I quit drinking almost 2 years ago and I had to weed out my friends so I could stay sober.  So now all I do have is my family...but no one my age or going through the same thing as I am. 

Just because you werent close to your family isnt going to make you a bad mother.  Actually my mom was the same way with an alcoholic father and was out on her own with my dad at 15.  But I think that has probably made her 100 percent better at being a mother.  You always want better for your children.  And hopefully that overwhelming feeling will pass once you see this baby.  Just hang in there.  If you ever need anyone to talk to or just to vent im here! You can email me or something!!!