After reading a post from someone in my Anxiety group, I have decided to take her advice.  She said that she sat and acknowledged her fears and "dismantled" them.  Now she is still scared, but she is able to move on.  I have decided to try that in my own way.  I hope that it helps me.  But, there is only one way to find out.  I am just afraid I will be crying by the time I finish this journal post.  But, here goes:

What the hell am I afraid of?  What makes me so nervous some days that I sometimes have problems functioning?  There is so much that I don't know where to start.  I think my main fears are fear of failure and fear of fear. 

I am so afraid of being a failure.  I'm afraid that I have failed as a daughter, mother, wife, sister, lover, student, and that I have failed myself.  Many people have assured me that I am not a failure.  But, the problem is that I have to convince myself.  How do I do this?  In an earnest attempt at convincing myself that I am not a failure, I crave the attention of everyone who is close to me.  My husband, my kids, my friends, my family....I have to have their attention and affection.  I constantly need to hear them say I am a good wife and a good mother.  I need the compliments.  And, it is because I am trying to convince myself that these compliments are true.  But, deep inside, I am afraid that they are not true.  What do I do to make myself believe?

I am also afraid of fear.  I walk on egg shells everywhere I go so that I don't bring something up that might scare me.  I stay away from things that scare me and situations that make me nervous.  I need to be packing right now because we are moving before the end of the month...but I am so afraid that I don't know how to pack well...that I haven't even really started.  I am avoiding it out of fear.  Procrastination is really bad with me because of this.  I procrastinate to avoid the fear of doing something out of my normal routine.  I'm so scared that I can't do it right.  I'm scared that I won't pack something right and it will get broke or lost in the move.  I'm just so afraid that I can't do it right, so I continue to put it off. 

Oh, I need some help.  I'm not even good at acknowledging my fears.  I can't wait till the first of the year.  Then, my insurance will take affect and I can seek a therapist or some counseling.  I really need the help dealing with my feelings.  Wish me luck, I guess.

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