After reading a post from someone in my Anxiety group, I have decided to take her advice. She said that she sat and acknowledged her fears and "dismantled" them. Now she is still scared, but she is able to move on. I have decided to try that in my own way. I hope that it helps me. But, there is only one way to find out. I am just afraid I will be crying by the time I finish this journal post. But, here goes:
What the hell am I afraid of? What makes me so nervous some days that I sometimes have problems functioning? There is so much that I don't know where to start. I think my main fears are fear of failure and fear of fear.
I am so afraid of being a failure. I'm afraid that I have failed as a daughter, mother, wife, sister, lover, student, and that I have failed myself. Many people have assured me that I am not a failure. But, the problem is that I have to convince myself. How do I do this? In an earnest attempt at convincing myself that I am not a failure, I crave the attention of everyone who is close to me. My husband, my kids, my friends, my family....I have to have their attention and affection. I constantly need to hear them say I am a good wife and a good mother. I need the compliments. And, it is because I am trying to convince myself that these compliments are true. But, deep inside, I am afraid that they are not true. What do I do to make myself believe?
I am also afraid of fear. I walk on egg shells everywhere I go so that I don't bring something up that might scare me. I stay away from things that scare me and situations that make me nervous. I need to be packing right now because we are moving before the end of the month...but I am so afraid that I don't know how to pack well...that I haven't even really started. I am avoiding it out of fear. Procrastination is really bad with me because of this. I procrastinate to avoid the fear of doing something out of my normal routine. I'm so scared that I can't do it right. I'm scared that I won't pack something right and it will get broke or lost in the move. I'm just so afraid that I can't do it right, so I continue to put it off.
Oh, I need some help. I'm not even good at acknowledging my fears. I can't wait till the first of the year. Then, my insurance will take affect and I can seek a therapist or some counseling. I really need the help dealing with my feelings. Wish me luck, I guess.