I brushed my teeth last night.

I know.  That seems like a fairly ridiculous thing to write about, right? 

But...

I brushed my teeth last night.  And I didn't do it because I was gently prodded into it. 

It took me almost 45 minutes of internal goading to make myself throw back the covers, set a foot on the floor and rise up out of the comfort of my misery.  But I did it. 

For anyone who struggles with (or has struggled with) depression, this probably sounds all too familiar.  It is a true battle for some of us to do the simplest of things sometimes. 

Putting on clean clothes?  Why bother?

Brushing our teeth?  Eh.  What does it matter?

Taking a shower?  Does it really make a difference?

Even eating becomes too much of a decision to hassle with at some point, doesn't it?

And don't even presume that we might want to put on a dab of makeup or actually fix our hair!  You could wind up facing certain death if you choose to go there.

It's funny because those of us that struggle with depressive episodes really do want someone to reach out to us.  We want someone to understand us, comfort us, feel us, hear us.... compel us to be ‘better' people.

Yet~ we don't.  We really, really don't. 

It hurts.  It hurts to have someone else acknowledge that something is ‘wrong' with us.  It's devastating to have someone force us into recognizing that others are watching; that others are paying attention to our self-destruction.  We know that our self-destruction touches those other than ourselves, but we don't want to hear it or see it or feel it.

So we rail against the helping hands that are extended in our direction.  We push away the love and support that we so desperately long for.  We back ourselves into a corner that only we can claw our way out of.

That is exactly what I'm doing.  I'm clawing my way out.  It may take some time and it may be painful and lonely, but I'll take any opportunity that comes my way.  I will slip one toe at a time out of my corner and, eventually, I should gain a firm foothold.

I brushed my teeth last night.

I brushed my teeth last night. 

 

Wow.  Ladies.  I just don't know how to thank you all.  You have all touched me deeply and I want to let ALL of you know that you are all welcome to PM me if you need to vent, chat, etc. 

Blessings to you all!

JUST AN FYI.... TELLING A PERSON THAT SUFFERS FROM CLINICAL DEPRESSION THAT DEPRESSION IS A STATE OF MIND (PULL YOURSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS, ETC) DOES ONLY TWO THINGS:  A) IT SHOVES THEM BACK INTO WHATEVER CORNER THEY ARE SLOWING CLAWING THEIR WAY OUT OF AND B) IT MAKES IT VERY CLEAR THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CLINICAL DEPRESSION IS. 

NASTINESS OF ANY KIND IS DEFINITELY NOT NEEDED.  I WOULD THINK THAT THE ENTIRE IDEA OF THIS JOURNAL POST WOULD'VE CLUED PEOPLE IN TO THAT?!

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Comments:

Gram1...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 12:48 PM

Congratulations!  It's a start & hopefully you'll continue on the path of recovery.  Hugs!

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Jezeb...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 1:08 PM

I could have written this.  I will tell you that these episodes for me are becoming a little more spread out as I exercise and meditate on words from a book that gives me great hope and deepens my faith.  I one day hope to be free but for now will be ok as they have spread from being once a week to once every month or two months.

I love you and feel you----I have gone weeks without brushing my teeth, hair and taken a shower-----It has now been 2 years since it was that bad.  I am not on medication as I can't afford it-----I have to make myself think myself out of these episodes.  At  times I feel as if I am not actually here.

Be blessed my dear friend.

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queen...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 1:16 PM

Thank you, Kel.

The 'thinking' your way out of it is exactly where I'm at (and have been for years and years).  It comes and it goes and I just have to have "faith" :P  that I won't encounter an episode that I can't think my way out of. 

*sigh*

I'm just tired, you know?  I just want it all to stop.

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sweet...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 1:31 PM

Hang in there, honey.

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sherriet
Dec. 30, 2008 at 2:09 PM

It takes everything I have just to get out of bed when I'm down.  I know exactly where you are.  Every step out is a big one.  Hugs.

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Jezeb...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 2:31 PM

I know:( I really, really know:(.  I need to PM you when I get up the energy to go indepth about what I am dealing with.

It will be the first time I have ever admitted it out loud to anyone-----but I know you are the person I will out myself too.  ----I just haven't the courage yet to express it in words.

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queen...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 2:41 PM

You know you can trust me to out yourself :)

On a side note:  why in the hell is this thing at #19?!

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bella...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 3:13 PM

Good for you.  Man................the stories I could share with you.  I don't have to though........you already know.   I am so glad to see you back and writing though.  Tiny steps, babe.  They will get you there.

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queen...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 3:20 PM

Thanks, Bella  :)  Baby steps, indeed.

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MissCia
Dec. 30, 2008 at 4:26 PM

Good for you, baby.

I've been there. Am there, I guess. You know, it doesn't ever go away. Eating disorder was my poison of choice. Each morning, waking up was a freakin' chore. I just wanted to crash. But, I just drug myself through the day, with one thought on my mind...going home and crawling into bed.

That's what kept me going through the day...sad, but true.

I would go home, make dinner, spend time with Gabi. Then, I would crash when she did. That WAS my life.

Thankfully, I haven't had any episodes as of lately.

Way to go though...its tough. It really is.

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