I miss my mania
Ah, to be the life of the party. What a wondrous thing it is to feel beautiful and worthy and sexy and free.
Mania can come at a price. Sure. I know this. Hindsight IS 20/20, after all.
And yet those of us who suffer (I use that word lightly here) through a manic episode will crave it's return long after it's gone.
Let's just look at the ups and downs of mania, shall we?
Below is a list of symptoms of mania:
· Elevated mood
· Talking a lot
· Rapid speech
· Reduced need for sleep
· Excessive exercising
· Increased use of alcohol
· Excessive laughter
While it would appear that many of these symptoms are obviously not so positive (and even the ones that are positive....well, they aren't always so positive in the end), I think it's pretty clear why a lot of us miss our manic episodes when they leave us.
The problem isn't just losing our mania. The problem is that for many of us finding our depression compounds losing our mania. L We don't just feel ‘normal' all of sudden after an episode subsides. In my experience I feel nothing of the sort. I go from the beautiful, funny, adventurous, sexual life of the party to the morbid, grouchy, weeping sack of guilt and misery.
There has to be a happy medium, right? Something that falls in-between....
Unfortunately (and quite honestly) I don't really want that either. I don't want to be normal. Why would I want that when I can be a superhero sex-machine who can do it all?
I want to be funny. I want to be sexual and beautiful. I want to find adventure where I can. I want to be outgoing and strong. I want to get shit done. I want to work and clean and and and .... I want it all... even if I have to pay for it later.
And believe me, I always end up paying.