Journaling it away (may be TMI)

[Cecropia]

This is meant to be cathartic for myself.

We practice (and teach) NFP, very successfully over the life of our marriage (7 years).  Both of our boys were planned, both took several months to conceive.  We don't have any issues with our low mutual fertility -- we like it, actually.  If we were limited to our two children, I don't think we would complain much.  But we are open to more children and I don't think we will ever say the words, "we are done."

This month we took a risk... it was not exactly planned out in advance, but it was consensual and we were willing to accept the consequences.  My youngest is 19 months, so a new baby when he's 28 months isn't horrible, but not the spacing I like best.  The economy isn't great and definitely going downhill from here, but our jobs seem relatively secure, we have our savings, and our babies have been pretty cheap thus far.

I have very regular cycles and we chart religiously so we can tell with good certainty when my period is due.  It was due yesterday.  Two days before yesterday my temperatures spiked pretty high, and I know that there can be a second shift during implantation - or it might have been an anomaly.  When I woke up yesterday morning there was a quarter-sized brown spot, then nothing until dinnertime.  Then I had some odd blood-tinged mucus.  This lasted all night.  It was only overnight that my temperatures dropped the way they should and I started my full blown period today.  It's been a long time since I would start a period with brown spotting, and the bloody mucus is very unusual.  So I'm left wondering whether I had a fertilized egg which tried to implant but failed.  It would have had to have been a very old egg, looking at our sex history and my chart.  If that egg was trying to implant two days ago, it would have been 11-12 days after ovulation.  Eggs implanting later than 10 days have a >50% chance of failure, increasing steeply with each day.

I have mixed feelings about it, probably made worse by my menstrual hormones... there was some anticipation and excitement, and I'm a little sad.  On the other hand, there are many good reasons why this "isn't the right time," and there is relief that we aren't expecting.  I'm happy that I can now go on with my weekly caffeine/alcohol/sugar routine without a second thought.  I'm happy that I can take more time to lose a little more weight before gaining again, now that I have a good gym routine going.  It will be nice to get a better handle on how secure our jobs really are into mid-2009.  We'll probably go back to being conservative NFP'ers for at least a few more months.

I wanted to write it all down, because there's no one here who I can really turn to about this.  Most of them would freak out and chastise us for risking a pregnancy now (or ever again?), and others can't keep a secret.

[CarrieH77]

Jan. 1, 2009 at 3:44 PM

We had "risky" sex last month and I was slightly disappointed when I got my period in December.  We had purposeful sex this week, and now I'm anxious, hoping conception/implantation occurs.  I took my last drink last night.  I'm exercising now, starting slowly; I'm resolving to drink tea instead of coffee.  I'm ready for the healthy lifestyle of pregnancy.

I have these thoughts too --- is now really the best time?  How secure is hubby's job?  Shouldn't we get more $$ in savings?  Shouldn't I lose the 10 lbs that I gained after the miscarriage? 

But it really comes down to this: I want to be pregnant again, I want to have a successful pregnancy; I want more than one kid.  We will make it in this tough economy -- no matter how many kids we have.  And I'm sure you will too.  Maybe you can just not worry about all the other stuff and just have fun... maybe we could be pregnant together.  :)

[iheartsquishies]

Jan. 1, 2009 at 3:54 PM

i wish you the absolute best with whatever happens, girly.  and i hope you recieve exactly what you and your family wish for.  i'm here for ya, huge supportive hugs and all! :D  Happy New Year!!

[livewell]

Jan. 1, 2009 at 5:16 PM

We had some risky sex and it took, and so now I am on the lack of caffeeeeeen and alcohol and starting with some morning sickness....yuck! We were planning to start TTC AFTER our all-inclusive vacation to Jamaica, but instead, I was 3 weeks preggy when the "free" booze was flowing, but at least I can remember the trip...LOL

We are very blessed in our life, since the economy does not affect us so much, being that we are pretty self-sufficient. In fact, for us, things have gotten a little better, since the price of fuel has dropped so low, driving into town is half price.

I hope you get to choose when you get pregnant, but even if you don't, I am sure you will take it in stride :)

I'm here for you and CAN keep a secrete :-)

[MotherofIreland]

Jan. 1, 2009 at 7:11 PM

Don't feel guilty for trying.  A week ago I thought I may be pregnant and right now would be a very bad time for us.  Hubby doesn't have a job so another baby wouldn't be the best thing in the world right now.  But I couldn't help but feel a little happy and joy at the thought of being pregnant.  I'm getting the baby fever, it's just natural to want to conceive.  Hey, nature did what it's suppose to do =)  And you always have us to share your hopes, dreams and disappointments.  I hope all is well and that you're feeling ok.  My best wishes to you and your family!

[Jeangenie]

Jan. 2, 2009 at 1:22 PM

We've been thinking about another baby for a while, but my job had me stressed out so much, I knew there was no way I'd get pregnant.  Then, I quit in Sept. And I got pregnant less then 4 weeks ago, I felt it immediately.  It lasted no longer than 2 weeks.  I really had mixed feelings about it, I'm 39, jobless, but we'd like our daughter to have a sibling.  When I lost it, I knew immediately because I felt normal again, but I was strangely happy to feel like myself again and able to do all the naughty things to my body I was.  I guess I'm really not ready.

[MamaSandre]

Jan. 2, 2009 at 1:48 PM

We also took a risk about 9 months ago and now I'm nearing my due date with my 3rd baby, Noah!  I was actually very depressed for the 1st few months b/c this little one wasn't planned for this soon, but I can really see God's hand in it now and so look forward to the natural addition he will make to our family.

Just trust in God and use your good judgement to discern his will - may you be very blessed this new year!  I didn't know you were a teaching couple - I may have questions once in awhile!  Actually, here's one - what do you think of LadyComp?

God bless.