Desperation Is Not Choice

[casjoh]

The fairy tale that breeds and grows between hopeful adoptive couples and adoptive parents needs to end.

The myth that slithers through the world of adoption needs to be exposed for it's lies. For the dark truth that boils underneath the "happy, happy, joy, joy" version of adoption that is tossed around so carelessly in our society.

The plain, simple, bare-fact truth is - there is not now, nor has there ever been - any such thing as "choice" for a mom about to lose her child through adoption. It doesn't exist. Never has existed. And until there are major reforms in the adoption world - it NEVER will exist.

I have read so many statements from adoptive parents who swear up down and around that the first/natural mother of their child knew exactly what she was doing. Was not pressured or coerced in any way. That her loss was based fully on choice and nothing else.

To these parents, I have to say - it is now time to look at the truth. The truth that happens day after day, year after year to expectant mothers every where.

And for those of you eagerly awaiting the "new addition" to your family. Setting up your nursery, writing the "Dear Birthmother" letters, reassuring yourself that some woman will freely surrender her child to you to raise as your own, you are just one of many who have fallen into the trap of this naive thinking. One of many who are being guided, educated, to not only look past the coercion of adoption - but to be a participant of it.

Really, I find it so hard to understand how some can believe a woman truly "chooses" to lose her child. It's the most unnatural process there is, separating a mother and her baby. And for the majority of women out there, it's desperation NOT choice that drives them to this point. A desperation that blinds them to their own ability, their own worth and makes them easy prey for the billion dollar adoption industry just waiting on the sidelines for a chance to jump.

I know there are some who have just experienced that swift kick to deny this in every way possible. Go ahead . . . knock yourself out. Yell, scream and holler your denial, in the end it still will not change the obvious.

Choice involves being informed and educated on ALL sides. Choice consists of an equal balance of knowledge between your options.

Billions of dollars falls into marketing adoption to pregnant women. Thanks to the disgusting practices of the NCFA (National Council For Adoption) our government even pays for - with our tax dollars - a program created on the sole basis of teaching those who come into contact with women in crisis pregnancies how to best "sell" the goodness of adoption.

Where is this same effort given for a pregnant woman to keep her child? Where is the billions in marketing to let her know of the programs that exist so she can continue her education, get financial help while she builds a life for her and her child, find support to assure her she can be a good parent? Where is the government paid program teaching counselors the best ways to guide a pregnant woman to the services available so she can keep and raise her child?

Making an "adoption plan" IS NOT choice when there is a lack of the same importance given to making a "parenting plan" as well. Meeting and getting to know a hopeful adoptive couple and all they have to offer IS NOT choice when there is no meetings with the different programs and charities who will help a mother keep and parent her child. No chance to sit down with them and also learn, detail by detail, all they have to offer.

It goes beyond just telling a pregnant woman such help exists. To be a "choice" she MUST have the same interaction with those who can help her keep her baby as she does with those who encourage losing her baby.

In today's world, those who are supposively helping a pregnant woman make a "choice" are either trained by those who make a profit through adoption or are in a position where their paychecks are based on a woman losing her child.

Where is there any hint of choice in that?

Where can anyone ever be assured the first/natural mother of their child was in no way coerced or manipulated?

Desperation, especially when it comes to our children, is a terrible place to be. It's a frame of mind where it's difficult to think straight. To find the answers that might be right in front of us, yet are missed because of the turmoil we suffer inside.

Women in that state of mind MUST HAVE counseling from an unbiased party. A counselor paid for or trained by the adoption industry is far from the one to help her make a choice when they walk in with a mindset already of what "choice" they want to push on her. In their eyes, her desperation is the sign they need, the motivator to encourage adoption and discourage parenting.

Nobody should ever have a right to discourage parenting to a pregnant woman. Nobody should dare to encourage her to lose her child, to separate that bond between them. And yet, it happens day after day, and is, for the most part, considered acceptable by our society - thanks to the generous marketing budget of the adoption industry feeding the greatness of adoption into every aspect of our lives.

If you really truly believe the first/natural mom of your child made a choice, ask yourself a few simple questions . . .

Was she given counseling outside the adoption industry?

Did that counseling involve addressing her desperation and the reasons behind it?

Was she offered guidance and help in locating the different programs available for helping her keep her child?

Did anyone, at any time, actually support her in finding these programs, help her understand exactly what they offered and how she could be sure she was eligible?

Was she at any time told she was brave and selfless for surrendering her child?

Was she informed that there was a high percentage of mothers who have lost their children to adoption who have never gotten over that loss and have found the pain becomes even more severe over the years?

Was she told that adoptees may feel abandoned and that some may spend their life struggling with issues brought about by adoption?

Was she told her child's right to his or her own records will be restricted?

Was she offered the same tax credits and financial incentives to keep her child as you were offered by adopting her child?

Did she believe she wouldn't be a good mom because of financial, career, educational, or relationship reasons . . .

Can you truly answer these questions and still believe the first/natural mom lost her child by choice rather than desperation? Can you really believe if she had been offered the help she and her child deserved she would have surrendered her child?

And isn't it far past time to answer these questions and see the truth of adoption today? We need to move past the belief that it is okay to separate a mother and child when there is no real reason and move toward a belief that the most important thing we can do is support keeping mother and child together. Encourage the building of a family rather than using adoption to tear it apart.

[Kellyjude1]

Jan. 3, 2009 at 10:33 AM

 Our adoption was a private adoption.  We were actually contacted by our son's birth mom wanting adoption.  While I will honestly never know how it feels to be a birth mom - I can only go by what my son's birth mom tells me of her feelings.  She tells us she was blessed to have found us.  Three years later she tells me she never regrets making the choice of adoption.  Going into the adoption process neither one of us knew what to expect.  However, throughout her pregnancy we grew to know one another, respect one another, and learned that we were coming together all for the love of a child.  We truly have a wonderful bond and friendship with our son's birth mom.  She will always hold a special place in our hearts.  Our son will be raised knowing of his birth parents and the love they have for him always.  We have kept our promises and intend to always keep those promises to one another.  As an adoptive mom I joined Cafemom in hopes of learning all feelings by everyone involved in the adoption process, which I feel is important.  However, I feel it is okay to disagree with some of the postings.  While I am sure there are bad adoptions -there are also good adoptions.  In our hearts we know without a doubt our paths crossed with our son's birth mom for a reason.  We were blessed to have found one another. 

[casjoh]

Jan. 3, 2009 at 6:10 PM

Kellyjude - I have a great respect for many of the things you ahve shared here on Cafemom and I am so very happy that you keep a good relationship with your son's bmom.

This post wasn't meant in any way to take away from the good relationship you have with your son's bmom.  I think it is a very good thing what you two share and is, definitely what is best for your son.

And you are right, it is okay to disagree and that doesn't make either one of us any less in our experiences or our beliefs.  And I hope you don't feel as if I was taking away or beating up on your own experience.

I just happen to believe, as someone who has not only experienced losing a child to adoption but also talks with so many others who have also lost their child, that it isn't a "choice" for a mother to lose her child.  It's more of an action lead by desperation, fear, lack of financial or emotional support - all the things that most often leave a woman to feel as if there is no other way.

And I know there are bmoms who say they are happy with adoption, and I won't take that away from them, but I still think to use the word "choice" when it comes to the situations they face during that time is an  unfair term because it portrays that we had fair and equal options and "chose" to not raise our children.  I, personally, have never met a bmom who did not want to raise her child but felt as if there was nothing else she could do and to me that is desperation - not choice.

And I say choice because there really is (though I know so many don't want to believe this) so much more put into telling a women she is brave and selfless and a good mother if she considers adoption compared to the often heard negative statements of how she will fail if she raises her child herself and is being selfish and not thinking of her child first.

To me, choice means fair and equal information, support and options, which really isn't found for a woman facing a crisis pregnancy.  Think about how often you see, just here on Cafemom, a young woman commended and praised if she considers and adoption and how often you see ugly comments such as "you spread your legs now  you have to deal with it and it isn't up to any of us to help you out" when she considers raising her child.

Some bmoms may not feel coerced or manipulated into adoption, but, in my heart, I just don't believe "she made a choice" is the right words to use when I don't think anyone really would ever "choose" to lose their own child.

(Original Poster)

[Kellyjude1]

Jan. 3, 2009 at 10:38 PM

  I responded to your post because our adoption experience is not at all like you have posted.  I can only go by what my son's birth mom tells me of her feelings, and I believe in what she tells me.  Our son's birth mom has always been open and honest with us.  Every adoption experience differs.  Coming on Cafemom I see bmoms who feel that adoption was right for them, and then I see bmoms who are against adoption.  Hopefully coming together we can learn from one another and just respect one anothers feelings. 

[Southernroots]

Jan. 3, 2009 at 11:53 PM

 "We were actually contacted by our son's birth mom wanting adoption." 

Would any mother every really WANT to give her child to someone else to raise? I find it nearly impossible to believe that there are many mothers who wouldn't rather raise their children.  Desperate circumstances often do cause moms (or others around them) to believe that they SHOULD relinquish. But, I believe that we should offer support, guidance, etc. so that any mom who wants to raise her child can.  Adoption should be a last resort option and not presented as an logical, reasonable and natural option.

Adoption is not an informed choice for most mothers who relinquish. It is generally a "choice" based on fear,  misinformation and lack of support, and that really is not much of a true choice.  

Kellyjude,  if your child's birth mother really is able to honestly tell you how she feels, your relationship must be exceptional. Many birth moms feel as though they must sugar coat their feelings for the adoptive parents. However, I know a few birth moms that have the best open adoptions imaginable. BUT, they still regret not raising their children themselves.  What so many people fail to recognize is the fact that almost no mother really wants her child to be raised by someone else. Relinquishing a child is generally an act of desperation as Casjoh so capably explained in her post.

[Kellyjude1]

Jan. 4, 2009 at 9:30 AM

  All I know is I believe in what my son's birth mom tells me.  She has told me how thankful and blessed she has been with us.  We do have a bond because of the love we share of a child.  While honestly I can see some points you guys bring up.  I understand no mother really wants to have their child raised by someone else.  I have taken these post to heart.. and I truly respect your feelings. 

[etropic1]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 10:57 AM

I went through a non profit organization called Nebraska Children's Home Society. I chose them for the reason listed here in this journal post.  I didn't want to be "used".

I was also on the other end of the spectrum as far as I wouldn't allow myself to even THINK about parenting.  My caseworker actually forced me to consider it.  In her training, not allowing a mother to consider all of her options was a "red flag" for future problems in the adoption process.  So I had to wait LONGER before I was allowed to view adoptive "profiles".   I didn't really get to bond with my adoptive family as much as I wanted to. I wanted to get to REALLY know them(Now, I don't think that is ever really possible though) before just handing over my son as if passing a plate of food on Thanksgiving. Trusting someone for 18 years is a tough thing to do when you've only known them for 3 months.

In my mind, adoption was just what made sense considering the circumstances I was in @ that time.  My major circumstance was that I had no good MALE role model in my life whatsoever.  I came from a very dyfunctional family and I didn't want to "damage" my son the way I had been.  That was MY main reason. 

The socio-economical stuff really was minor compared to the psychological.  I knew what was available, where to get it, & I didn't want to put my child through that.   I could have & I have known others who have done it.  I make no judgements on them.  Each person is different.  I just wated more for him than what I had in life; emotionaly, mentally, & physicaly.  My heart screamed "What the hell are you thinking by doing this?" as my head said "Um hello, this is no brainer here!" 

So no, I don't believe any woman truly WANTS to give up her child.  I beleive most lifemothers want to give that child everything own their own but can't for whatever reason.  So adoption become a kind of surrogate way that we CAN do it.

[etropic1]

Feb. 11, 2009 at 11:29 AM

I was never given the "statisitcs" on how many open adoptions turn closed as this article mentions.  I'm personally not one who is big on statistics, especially if there is no source given. I was surprised by how big the % was.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html