a thought

[lylfoxxii]

ive  struggled very hard in life wheter it was the hundreds of times i was homeless my father leaving us and having another family(numerous other families), being abused in a way i dont want to speak of or just everything else that had gone wrong with my life.... i started to believe that god(or i higher being) was testing me.. but for what then i started to think that they hated me and was punishing me for some things that mayve i had done or hadent done...idk then when i got pregnant with my son at 14 i knew that someone up there hated me and enjoyed whatching me suffer..... especially because i ended up homeless agian throughou my pregnancy.... then on september 7 at 1:58 pm my whole world and views on life changed.... that was the day my son was born!! i never knew love or joy like that!!!! i worked so hard to give him everything hee needed.. and i think i did a damn good job!! the moment he was born i felt  like wow it all paid off!!! he was my reward..... and he still is!! he is my life.. but now we are TTC #2 and its not going so well..... :( we have been trying god i think for about a year and i just wont get pregnant!!! now im thinking  again why me.. the one thing that really brings jooy to my life and the one thing i felt that i was put on thhis earth to do...i am being stopped and for what reason?? doctors dont know why either there is nothing medically wrong with me or my hubby that could be stopping me from bringing another beautiful chil into this world!!! i have wanting to have another baby for years but knew i had to wait for the right time.. with work and school my hubby and my son... and the last year has been it! perfect timing my son is asking for a sibling in fact thats what he said he wanted for christmas a little brother or sister...he has this little stuffed dog he carrys around that he calls baby and he is so nurturing toward it .... my hubby says that babys  just kep looking at him where ever he goes and he falls in love and wants another.... i know i want another and i mentally and physically feel like this is the time.. but why the hell cant i get pregnant... i cant eve do that right for gods sake!!! it was an accident the first time around and now that i want it i cant.... is god up there saying... well now that you want it you cant have it ill think of another obsticle to throw at you later.... WTF sorry im venting..... well the earliest i can test is tomorow(my birthday) so wishing for some birthday magic u know.. all i want for my birthday is a BFP with a healthy baby!!! but im doubtful that i will get that....  :( 

thanks for listening sorry its long.....

[babydsmommy18]

Jan. 4, 2009 at 4:44 PM

I hope you get your birthday wish!! God bless and Stay Strong !!

[Meremomandahalf]

Jan. 16, 2009 at 9:47 PM

And guess what...your prayers were answered! Yay! Lots of luck and best wishes! :) (We had to get IUI just to get pregnant so i understand how frustrating it can be! Keep in touch!)