I refuse to give up!

[Intrepid]

I'm back where I started again. I'm backing to committing myself to eating healthier food, breaking bad habits and exercising regularly. I'm back to formulating a plan of action that will finally help me shed some extra weight and improve my life. I'm back to making promises to myself. And I'm back to trying to figure out how to make it all work through this intense physical pain.

How do you convince yourself to workout when you can barely straighten up in the morning, or walk without pain shooting through your body. How do you lift weights when your bones slip in and out of joint during the movements? How do you combat depression when you feel so tired... deeply, emotionally, physically and pyschologically tired?

I hate making excuses, and I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing, but I hurt. From dawn til dusk, through the dead of night, I hurt. If I take something for the pain in my body, the medication exacerbates my ulcers and then I have to spend a week healing my gut. The migraines are close to being constant again and they're disrupting both my vision and my balance. My colitis, duodenal ulcers and hiatal hernia are pretty much under control as long as I maintain my diet and exercise and don't take pain medicines. My fibromyalgia is as bad as it's ever been, and all the doctors can offer is more experimentation with more medications that typically do more harm than good. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. I always wake up in pain and have to shift position in the hope that my pain will be even slightly alleviated. And then there's the depression. How do I not feel depressed from time to time when I'm in all this pain?

The depression is actually one of my greatest motivators. I hate it! I hate going through my day accomplishing nothing, being nothing, and feeling like all I want to do is cry. I have things to do, and the talent and skills to do them. They need to get done. I have a son to home school. I have dogs to care for, and a husband and household to tend to. I have art projects, carpentry projects, and a deep-rooted desire to learn more and be more than what I've become. I just have this body that refuses to be cooperative. I just have this pain that refuses to go away.

Somehow, today and every day, I will have to find the energy and determination to exercise, cook healthy meals, and maintain my focus on making myself and my family healthier. A part of me wants to surrender to the pain, to let it win, but the bigger part of me (and I'm not talking about my hips and butt) wants to keep fighting. I want to show my son that no matter what, if you refuse to quit you can still accomplish your goals.

Will this be the year? Will last year's changes carry on to improve this year. Well... that's my goal.

[ShutterbugMama]

Jan. 4, 2009 at 10:40 AM

Read, TOTAL HEALTH MAKEOVER, by Marylou Henner.

I lost 80 lbs after reading it.