Moving On?

[randi1978]

An interesting remark came about from the Answers section.  The question was "Why can't birth mothers move on?" and then went into detail about how all we do is hang out in our groups and bash adoptive parents.  I can tell you that outside of a small few cases where the anger is very warranted, that is not what we do.  We do vent our frustration over the birth mother status we have acquired.  We do vent when the parents of our children treat us like less than human.  But most people who have no clue usually go on about how we need to "move on" and go about our lives like our children never existed in the first place.

Don't bash me, but I am going to say something that will probably offend the holy hell out of people, but this remark is a great example:

"Well, why can't you move on and accept that you cannot have children?"  Imagine you cannot have children or anymore children and somebody tells you that?  It hurts, doesn't it?  Now, imagine yourself in the shoes of those of us who have had children and for reasons only our own, surrender them to someone else.  Not because of a lack of love for them, but because we are only trying to do what we think is best at that time.  Imagine the grief of having a child out there who may or may not know of your existence.  Now imagine when you express that grief, someone tells you "Why can't you move on and accept that you are no longer that child's mother?"

And before I am told that we made the choice, etc etc....You are right.  Many of us did make that choice.  But outside of severe medical conditions, some women who cannot have children usually end up being incapable of bearing children thru their own choices as well.  Maybe not directly.  Pursuing a career that swallows them for years, their most fertile years passed and gone by the time they are situated and ready for a family.  And before I get trashed again, I will say that I do believe that a lot of times it is due to medical conditions, but I have encountered many who simply waited too long to have children. 

Back in the day, when adoption was hush hush, many adoptive parents were told that it would be like the child was born to them and that the woman who birthed their child would move on, forget about her baby and go on with her life.  Articles in magazines made birth mothers out as childish, seeing their baby as nothing more than a doll to dress and cuddle.  Forty-five, fifty years later....people still seem to think that we go on in our lives, have other children and simply forget we have another child out there.  Society expects us to "move on". 

I suppose all I am trying to say is that the "moving on" remark hurts and cuts like a knife.  And why is it that it's ok to tell us to do so, but if someone told that to a woman who could not have children, that person would get ripped to shreds.  It's a huge double standard.   

 

 

[MyBelovedOnes]

Jan. 6, 2009 at 3:28 PM

Like I have said before, I can not even come close to imagining what it is like to carry, give birth and let go forever to my child.  If the love that I have is so strong that it takes my breath away sometimes, I can only imagine the pain being at least equally so if not more.  It is hard for someone who has not gone through a miscarriage to understand my pain.  It is hard for someone who does not view my children in the same way I do to understand.  I have to have a level of mercy because there are many areas of life that I too am ignorant of.  There are many times I want mercy and yet I find none (from humans at least).  As painful as it is to hear those words (believe me, there are many cliches that moms who've miscarried have to hear as well) the thing we do need to get over is humans and their imperfections and down right hardness and hatefulness.  We can not change the world but we change how we let it affect us. 

[CatzWitch]

Jan. 15, 2009 at 12:22 AM

You are right, you made a decision most people don't have the guts to make. It's a hard decision and anyone that doesn't think so should review. You have a child, you have to make a decision not always for yourself but for that child. It's not a move on situation, do people "move on" when their children turn eighteen. They're grown and in societies eyes no longer the parents problem. Sorry doesn't work that way.

I know it was hard, but it was the best decision for the time. You can't change the past, but you need to be able to voice your concerns and have people listen without going, "Well I would never...." their not in your shoes at the moment, with the life experiences you've had.

Well that's my two cents worth. Catch you later.