How about some Krisie-venting...

[KierasMomKrisie]

Poor Kiera has strep throat, but we caught it early enough to where she isn't too miserable.  She's been sick this whole vacation and it has sucked.  I have been sick through most of it and I'm starting clinic tomorrow with a tickly throat and hacking cough.  My MIL birthday is Saturday and I know we should have a get together for her, but I don't wanna pass this bug to anyone else.  Everyone has been sick enough and I'm tired of Kiera being sick and not feeling good.  So I'm gonna recommend that we wait a couple of weeks until everyone is well. 

Like I said earlier, clinic starts tomorrow.  Class starts on Monday.   It hasn't even gotten started yet and I'm already ready for it to be over.  I am burned out, I've lost my drive and motivation.  I just don't want to do this crap anymore.  I feel so much pressure that I have to get it the first time and then be able to do it from then on out, and I just don't function like that.  It takes me a couple or three times of actually DOING something before I GET it.  And I don't mean watching others do it.  I have to do it myself.  I haven't had much room to do it.  At my last rotation it is like I was in the way and didn't move fast enough for them and didn't get things done as quickly as they do...  WELL I haven't been doing the shit for 15 - 25 fucking years.  ONLY THREE MONTHS!!!  Gimme a fucking minute to learn the shit.  Give me some space and I'll get it done.  If I screw up, let me know, but give me a chance to get it right first.  I'm not stupid, I'm learning.  This is something I have never done before.  It is completely out of what I'm used to doing.  Give me a chance to get my confidence up.   Hell, I caught my last clinical supervisor talking about me.  He tried to cover it up, but he didn't do a very good job.  I have to go back there for June and July.  I am sooooo dreading it.  AND to top it all off, SUPER STUDENT is preceeding me in our rotations.  So she has set the bar really high and I'm just not there.  BUT she doesn't have a hubby, a child, she lives 20 mins away, she lives with her grandparents and has no responsibilities except for school stuff.  I live 1.5 hours away.  In a couple of months I'm going to have to get a job to pay for a sitter because our wonderful sitter who is like a grandma to my dd, her hubby is retiring and they are moving out of state, so we have to start paying for a sitter.  SO I'm also in the process of finding a sitter that we can trust.  We have struggled SO MUCH with that.  My dd is my world and I'm not going to leave her with just anyone.  Then when I think I've found someone, my hubby is like, umm, I don't think that's a good idea.  I just don't know what we are going to do...

And I don't like the radiation exposure at all.  It's not a lot, but pennies add up VERY quickly.  And this last rotation they didn't practice the safety procedures that you are supposed to.  Hell, the hot lab isn't even shielded.  I'm getting blasted with excess radiation that I don't have to be exposed to and it makes me nervous as hell. 

And I'm fat.  My clothes are either too big and make me look slouchy or they are too tight and I look like a popped can of bisquits.  But I eat to relieve stress and all I want are fatty foods; comfort foods; food that is easy and fast to get.  I would have sex to relieve that stress, but we never have time or we're too tired and dd goes to bed the same time we do, she is usually the 2nd of us three to go to sleep.  And the outside stress somehow makes it in our front door, even though we both know it's not supposed to... and that interferes with and causes problems with EVERYTHING. 

Money is tight, which everyone is feeling.  Our credit card debt keeps getting higher and higher.  We are counting on me finishing school and getting a good job so we can get our heads back above water, hopefully without having to declare bankruptcy. 

I am so tired and I'm tired of being stressed out all the time.  I just hope I'm strong enough and have the energy to make it through this year.  It will be the most challenging year of my life so far...