Off The Wall Ramblings.....

[randi1978]

There is still this fear buried deep down that something bad will happen in regard's to my younger daughter's adoption and I will never know.  Part of me wants so badly to contact the lawyer and at least lay the offer on the table in the event of such a tragedy, but at the same time.....well, you know.  I mentioned it all in the previous journal post.

I wrote her adoptive parents a letter.  Apologizing for things I don't think I should apologize about, but letting them know that I understand the arrangements and want her to know that I love her.  I even ended the letter with "Please give her my love".  While the letter is probably the biggest piece of kiss ass I have ever written, I want to ensure they won't cut me off completely.  I am due for photos and I want the letter to remind them of what they promised.  Whether it does any good or not, I obviously probably will never know, but at least it shows I tried.  I limit my communications with them so not to appear over bearing or anything.  I have sent (including this letter) maybe 4 total letters to them in the last 19 months.  Not a lot at all, I think.  If they think it's excessive, I will tell them at least I am not calling them or writing a letter a week.  One letter every 4 to 6 months is hardly excessive.

I decided that being angry with them over how they brushed us off (us, meaning my older daughter and myself) will accomplish nothing.  I can't move thru life with this hatred towards them.  Seriously, how would it appear to Alicya if and when she finds me and her big sis to see me hold nothing but anger and resentment towards the people she loves as her parents?  How could I possibly look into her face and talk about how terrible they were?  I can't.  They raised her.  I know that a good chunk of our personality is based on genetics, but that personality will be sculpted also from how she was raised.  Speaking ill of them will only reflect onto who she became as a person.

Simply put, I'm not going to harbor this anger.  I am going to let it go as best as I can.  They love her, she loves them.  I would never dream of her being put in a position to pick between us, but showing my frustration at them might make her feel that way.

On another note, I also sent a letter out to my ex husband's first wife asking about how the fam is doing.  I am trying hard to re-establish something for the sake of our children.  Michelle and Alicya have two older half sisters and while Alicya may never meet them until she is an adult, I want Michelle to have as much contact as possible with them so that when there is the chance all the girls reunite, it won't be terribly awkward for both my kids and Michelle can help Alicya in any way she can to prepare for a meeting....if it ever happens.

Anyways, I am off to get ready so I can take Michelle to school and get the letters out to where they need to go.  I keep my fingers crossed that Alicya's adoptive parents realize that I meant no harm with the gifts and that it was in no way meant to undermine them in their role as her parents.  They are her parents, just as much as I am her mother.  I want to be on the best of terms with them so if and when Alicya seeks me out, we can work together to make it as easy as possible for her and for Michelle.

Tags: adoptees, adoption, adoptive parents, bio siblings, letters

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[goatmom4]

Jan. 12, 2009 at 1:32 PM

wow that is alot to deal with pat yourself on the back for trying       Hugs 

[doodlebopfan]

Jan. 12, 2009 at 5:17 PM

I think you have done a wise thing. You have reached out expecting nothing in return. I hope your fears subside, and I think also that your children have a very loving mother. God bless you!