What is not okay to joke about? (long & sad)

[frankiesmom125]

I personally get highly offended if I see, read or hear any jokes about "vegetables".  Not carrots and peas, but brain dead people.

This dates back to 1984.  On May 20th, I was just past my 7th birthday and happily playing with my brother at my Grandma's house in Queens.  On May 21st, he was gone.  Brain dead.  Lack of oxygen to the brain due to Epiglottits.  He was four years old. 

Epiglottitis is a medical emergency that may result in death if not treated quickly. The epiglottis is a flap of tissue that sits at the base of the tongue that keeps food from going into the trachea, or windpipe, during swallowing. When it gets infected and inflamed, it can obstruct, or close off, the windpipe, which may be fatal unless promptly treated.

Respiratory infection, environmental exposure, or trauma may result in inflammation and infection of other structures around the throat. This infection and inflammation may spread to involve the epiglottis as well as other upper airway structures. Epiglottitis usually begins as an inflammation and swelling between the base of the tongue and the epiglottis. This may cause the throat structures to push the epiglottis backward. With continued inflammation and swelling of the epiglottis, complete blockage of the airway may occur, leading to suffocation and death. Autopsies of people with epiglottitis have shown distortion of the epiglottis and its associated structures including the formation of abscesses (pockets of infection). For unknown reasons, adults with epiglottic involvement are more likely than children to develop epiglottic abscesses.

• Epiglottitis was first described in the 18th century but was first accurately defined by Le Mierre in 1936. In fact, although George Washington's death in 1796 was attributed to quinsy (today we call it peritonsillar abscess), which is a pocket of pus behind the tonsils, it was actually due to epiglottitis.
  
  
  • In the past, epiglottitis was more common in children than in adults. This difference was believed to be because of the smaller diameter of children's epiglottic opening when compared to adults.
    
    
  • A little narrowing of the windpipe can dramatically increase the resistance of an airway, making breathing much more difficult.
  
  
• A conservative estimate of the incidence of epiglottitis is 10-40 cases per million people in the United States.
  
  
  • Since 1985, with the widespread vaccination against Haemophilus influenzae type b (or Hib), which was the most common organism related to epiglottitis, the overall incidence of the disease among children has dropped dramatically.
    
    
  • Epiglottitis caused by Hib has a unique distribution in that it typically occurs among children aged 2-7 years and has not been reported among Navajo Indians and Alaskan Eskimos.
    
    
  • Epiglottitis occurs with different peaks in both children and adults. In children, generally epiglottitis typically peaks in children aged 2-4 years. In adults, it peaks between ages 20-40 years.
    
    
  • Epiglottitis in the very young (younger than 1 year) is unusual and occurs in only about 4% of cases.

At the hospital, he was on a respirator.  He was "plugged in" for 2 days before my parents had to make a decision I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  My Mom was a young 28 years old, my Dad only 29, and here they have to make the most horrible decision of their lives.  To take their 4 year old baby off of life support. 

I was only 7, and spent those two days in denial.  My brother would come back home.  God isn't that mean.  I need him here to play!  Of course he'd get better. 

I remember the day they took him off.  May 23.  They came home, and Mom, Dad, Aunt Grace, Grandma & Grandpa were in a big circle hugging.  They told me, and I cried for hours.  I knew dead meant gone.  It was the first and only time I've seen my father cry.  I remember him crying "I want my baby back".  I remember my mother couldn't get out of bed.  I cannot fathom their pain. 

I was not allowed to see him in the hospital.  I was too young.  I'm glad now.  My last memory of my brother was the EMT's running full speed out the door cradling him in their arms.  I can still see in my mind the back of his head, and his blue spiderman pajamas.  I stayed at a friends house the day of the wake, and was in school for the funeral.  It bothers me that I wasn't allowed to attend, to say my goodbyes, but my parents were so overwrought with grief that they listened to other (well meaning?) family members who said I was too young to go. 

If my brother had kept on breathing once he was off the respirator, he would have been 100% brain dead for life.  A vegetable. 

For obvious reasons, that is a joke NO one makes in my presense, even 24 years later.  And if a friend hears someone start a joke like that, they jump in immediately.  I am greatful for that, but to me, jokes about "vegetables" are not funny in any way, shape or form.

[amandasrainbow]

Jan. 12, 2009 at 10:44 PM

I agree; my opinion is that all disabilities; races; religions; sexual choices should not be joked about; it just makes a person sound like a bigot.

[princezzmommie]

Jan. 12, 2009 at 11:46 PM

my aunt collapsed in her kitchen one day. no warning. brain tumor they told us.  the surgery required would probably leave her as a vegetable. there was a 99.999% chance it would.  without the surgery there was a 100% chance that she would die.  so my uncle and my granny made the decision to have the surgery done.  the last thing he said to her before they wheeled her into surgery was "betty, i want a wife who can cook vegetables, not be one, so you get better."  in the waiting room, he refused to let us worry. he cracked jokes and made crazy refrences to brocolli. she was in a coma for days and he joked at her bedside a bit. 

now if you ask her, she will tell you that she heard him calling her brocolli and she knew she was coming out of that coma, brushing her teeth and kicking his butt.  lmao. 

that totally inappropriate joking kept us from falling apart, it kept us sane, and it probably brought her back.  i still occasionally tease her about it. 

please understand that it wasn't that we were thinking this situation was funny. it was just that we thought at the time that if we admited how huge and scary this situation was, the worst would come.  so we denied. and we denied. and we denied.  (we cried a little too but don't tell betty. that would tick her off)  and when we were done denying we laughed like loons. 

are we crazy?  yeah, we kinda are.  certifiably, card carrying crazy.  but as betty always says "why cry when you can laugh?"

we couldn't have changed the outcome of that surgery.  no amount of crying would have done that but instead of remembering how completely terrified i was that the glue that held our family together would die i remember my uncle holding us up while we held him up.  that can't be a bad thing.

i am very very very sorry about your brother's passing.  i can not even begin to consider what i would di if my sister passed away.  i think it is very commendable that you are choosing to honor his memory by educating people about what killed him.  i'd have never guessed you could die from that.  your post tonight could result in some mother changing her mind about vaccinations.  that change of mind could save the life of a child.  i think that's an honorable tribute to his memory.