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random thoughts on my addiction...small edit..
- Jan 13, 2009 at 1:39 AM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (635) Everyone can see this journal post.
"wait, did she say addiction?" yes. i said addiction. i have never admitted it before. i said it out loud. i am an addict. it lures me. it taunts me. everywhere i turn someone is talking about it. someone is thinking about it. i can never get away from it. it is everywhere i am. i feel smothered by it. i dont understand how i have let it get so out of control. how did i get here? when did this happen? how did it happen so fast? why couldnt i control this? handle it? stop it? when did i become the fat girl at the table stuffing her face with fried chicken? i realize my love affair with food has been happening for a long time. its like its been embedded in me. its like its in my genes.
i guess i could start out by blaming my mother. i wouldnt be a good addict if i didnt blame mommy, would i? i was raised in a home where supper was on the table every night at 6 sharp. dad got home at 5:15. he took a shower, changed. mom had supper. fried meat, potato, homemade bread, vegetable, and homemade dessert. i never realized the abundance of it. i never knew that all the other kids probably didnt have as much to eat as i did. it was good, homecooked meals. no matter what kind of chaos, what kind of emotional turmoil our home or family was in-we had big, awesome meals. no matter how poor we were. we never lacked for food on the table. i just thought that everyone was like that. i thought that everyone in the world ate that way for every meal. i didnt understand that when i grew up, i couldnt eat the abundance of food i was accustomed to. i remember growing up. my BFF dad used to call me "dipsy dumpster" because all i did was eat. he used to say "oh gawd, sarah's here. time to back up the united trucks and unload the groceries." it was funny then. i was skinny. i loved food. how did i get from there to here?
i remember being about 21 and my boss and coworkers saying to me as i stuffed myself at break "my gosh sarah-you eat so much! you wont be able to eat that much when you get older. you wait and see-youll weigh 200 pounds!" well, 220 to be exact.
i love food. it is my shelter in chaos. it is my friend when i feel i have none. no matter what i look like, what i have done, or how i feel, it wants me. it melts in my mouth. it caresses my body with warmth. it is never the same, unless i want it to be. i control it. i can make it what i want it to be. i can take in as much as i want to. it cant stop me. for one moment in my day, i have control. it does what i tell it to. it doesnt argue back. it doesnt tattle. it understands me. late at night, when i am in bed and i cant sleep, it is warm in my belly, giving me a feeling of being satisfied. since i control it, i dont feel restless with it. it needs me in order to be what it is meant to be. it needs me. it needs me.
why is that so important to me? my family needs me. my children are so loving. they are their own little individual person, but they still need me. my husband is wonderful. we have our ups and downs like all the other. but. he loves me. he is good to me. sometimes i feel sorry for myself if i dont think he is being as good as he should. but thats o.k. food is there. food is good to me. food cares about my emotions. food wants to pick me up. food pays attention to me when i feel like being a drama queen. food likes me just the way i am.
i am coming to terms with being the fat girl at the table. being the fat girl at the family get togethers. i have been in so much denial about that. but-i put splenda in my tea. i didnt order dessert THIS TIME. i ordered a salad. with cheese, ham, and blue cheese dressing. but its still a salad.
i dont have time to excercise. i would rather sleep. im on cafemom. my joints hurt. i hate feeling my stomach bounce. my thighs rub. i feel so awkward in front of my kids. since when do i hate to sweat? my mom once told me i had water on the knees. i have to clean the kitchen tomorrow. that counts as cardio, doesnt it? its too hard. its too hard. its too hard.
i guess i have alot to be thinking about. all i know is that it has to change. change. *shudder* i have adapted so much in my life. i have sacrificed so much. i have given in. i have been a good girl in so many other ways. i have....why do i have to give this too? why do i have to give it up? why cant i have this for me? why cant i keep my control in this? i have given myself to everyone i meet in any way they need me to (which is not true-but thats my dirty little secret). so why do i have to turn away the one thing i love. the one thing that loves me? my texture? my taste? my control?
but the obvious thing is that i dont have control. if i had control, i wouldnt look like this. there would be a current pic of me on my page. i would only have one chin. so what do i do about this? i guess that is a question for another post......
edit* i just wanted to say thanks for all the kind words im getting. i love reading others responses to what they are going through. keep em' coming.
Comments:
Thank you for sharing
Wow, did you plageurize my diary? Everything you wrote hit's so close to home. What is it they say about addiction? The first step is admitting you have a problem? Thank you so much for sharing! If you ever want to talk to another addict, just pm me.
Been there and beyond, my friend. I hit my low point at 250+ and wondered how on earth I had allowed myself to get so out of control. Change is a long, challenging, and emotional process, but control feels so much better than addiction, and feeling good about yourself is a high every woman deserves. I've lost 60 pounds and counting.
It's got to be something you do because you're ready, or it won't work, so don't let anyone pressure you. If and when you're ever ready, get help or support in some form, because you'll need it. I went to Weight Watchers and still do. I can't do it on my own. I tried, many times. I hate failure.
Hope you feel better soon, honey.
I am with you I am addicted to my core to food. And nothing healthy good god why couldnt I be addicted to just healthy green shit ha ha ha ha. Anyways I totally understand and if you feel like you ever want to talk to someone else Im here ALOT lol
Overeaters Anonymous is a GREAT program that I am a part of. It's online at www.therecoverygroup.org I would HIGHLY suggest it. I am 270 and I am also addicted to food. I would LOVE to be friends with you. Thanks for your honest post. I love you as a sister in struggle- I know what it is like and I am working hard to get through this most SERIOUS problem.
Hugs,
Dani
I was always a skinny kid, but I ate the food that you ate every night for dinner. My dad would always make a meat, pasta, vegetable, bread, dessert, etc. EVERY NIGHT. It was a 30 dollar dinner, every night. Of course, it has affected me since I've grown up. I go to my in laws for dinner, and they eat 1c. up pasta for dinner...and I'm shocked! I'm a binge eater, but I have a fast metabolism (right now). I'm not looking forward to the day it slows down. =(
that is huge of you to admit, i was kinda the same, all about controlling food but in the opposite way. my mom was a terrible cook and we never got along and i could always make her feel bad if i didnt eat, i could control by noteating, same into high school, and in college it just became a diet skill, i could have mac and cheese, if that was all i ate that day, and it usually was, which worked fine for me until i got pregs and had to actually eat food everyday but the foods i ate were all my endulgences,,,, and i gained well over 100 lbs with my son, lost it shortly after, guess i was lucky, then came an issue when he got on table foods, i again had to be around food 3 meals a day and i was HARD not to eat it... much harder tehn when he was just on baby food and bottles, i have finally found my way to a healthy weight, self image, etc... it has taken a lot of re working how i think mostly... i am glad because if i had gone on as an anorox for much longer i bet i would have messed myself up... damn i miss being a skinny bitch though. you can do it, go for a walk today and tomorrow and eventually teh excersize makes you hav more energy... i wish you luck, battleing food, no matter what the battle happens to be, is one of hte hardest things because you do need it to live, like quitting cigs is harder than heroin becuase you see it everywhere. food is that ten fold.... good post sweetie!
You aren't alone I too am an addict...we are out there...your fellow addicts but there is hope and it takes a one day at a time mentality to face....TODAY I will go to the Y and work out, yes I ate some chocolate yesterday but TODAY I will do better...there is no quick fix I've learned and its a lot harder and less fun LOSING this weight than it was gaining it.
I love your style.Looks like your ready to make a change.I wish you success.
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wow how brave are you? that was alot of honesty, good for you.I think you know where the love affair with food starte...at the family table"no matter the emotional turmoil food was there" to satify and fill whatever void there was.I don't have any answers just wanted to let you know I heard you, and also that I think anyone who can beat a rattler to death w/an umbrella in heels no less, can do anything she needs to to....
- Bearsjen
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