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I won't let it beat us anymore. I'm winning this time.
- Jan 13, 2009 at 12:10 PM
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- Comments (15) Total Views (190) Everyone can see this journal post.
I'm not perfect, and I never once claimed to be. I have real life problems just like the rest of you. This, is my real life problem. It's the hardest one to deal with, and the hardest one to talk about. I'm not going to hide it anymore. I need to talk about it and get hope that things will change. I need the support of people who have been through it, or know someone that has been through it. I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me or my relationship - but it has. If you make it through the whole thing - then Thank you.
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I'm entering into a dark hole, one I'd rather not go into - but yet one I'm not sure how to fill other than with myself.
I broke down and cried this morning. For no reason, for every reason. I tried to hide it from myself, from the boys....and then Aiden came to me with that worried look on his face and gave me a hug. He said, "I'm sorry mama," and gave me another hug. I told him that he was absolutely perfect and broke down again.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to say anymore to make this situation better than it should be. I love my husband, I love him from the depths of me. He understands me, but at the same time he has so much to learn. He listens to me, but never believes me. Maybe he doesn't listen to me. I'm not even sure anymore.
This is life living with someone who does not believe you when you say that you'll leave. This is life dealing with someone who drinks a handle of whiskey a week. This is the life of hearing, "I'll quit, " over and over and over. This is life with an alcoholic. He is not drunk in the morning, or during the day - but as soon as 8pm hits he makes a drink in a 32oz mug. Then he makes another. They could easily equal about 4 doubles at a time, he mixes with Mountain Dew. He doesn't drink every night, but the pain is the same. I've poured out countless bottles. I've seriously considered just throwing them through a window to see them both break.
What he does, what he says, the way he acts and breathes, and his mannerisms - they are all different. I can't stand this person. I'd love nothing more than to never see him again. This person that he becomes when he's drinking causes me pain, never physical...but the hurt of an emotional pain is the same. He can not walk in a straight line, he often bounces off walls to maintain his upright position. I've dealt with my grown husband wetting the bed. I shouldn't have to have a protective waterproof liner on my bed. I've dealt with his sleepwalking because of the drinking, preventing him from peeing in places like the closet, the breaker box, the sink, the fridge. I wake up as soon as he sits up anymore. I laughed at it the first times...but now, it just angers me.
He's promised me a million times over in the past 4 1/2 years that he'll quit, and for the first year...I believed him. Now I don't, I can't. I can't put my faith in believing that he'll just one day open his eyes and see what he's doing to me - and more importantly see what he's doing to us.
I don't want him to touch me the night that he's drinking. I don't want him to touch me the morning after he's been drinking. Sometimes, I just don't want him to touch me at all after hearing that his whiskey is more important to him than I am. Sometimes I look at him and just want to break down because of all the things he's said to me. "If you think I'm going to quit, you might as well just talk to your sister and get papers because I won't quit." My sister is a family (i.e divorce) attorney. Even though he's not saying these things while he's sober, it hurts the same.
I'm a strong female, and I think that everyone has a sense of that. This breaks me. I can't imagine a life without him, and I can't imagine the life that my boys would have without him. This has taken 4 1/2 years to break me like it has...and it's broken me effectively because all I think about is a better life than this. I think about how we could be and I start crying all over again. I think about how we wouldn't argue over trivial things, about how he wouldn't tell me how controlling I am after he's been drinking. I think about how we'd no longer fight about how he misses the party scene and that he was forced into growing up. Sometimes I don't think he sees that I was forced into growing up too. I made the transition because I had to, physically. I've never looked back on that life and said that it was better than what I have now. I think he has.
I know that nothing will change until he hits rock bottom. I know that nothing will change until he opens his eyes and sees how this is affecting not only me, but the two little boys that look up to him. I know that nothing will change until I get proactive and start helping myself become stronger than this disease.
I'm contacting a Drug and Alcohol Counselor in the area, and I'll also be talking to his brother, his mother, and my sister. Things will change. I love him too much to give up on him or this relationship - but if he argues or disagrees with what happens, or if he argues about going to get help through a counselor or some other outlet...then he will know that he can no longer stay in my house, even though it pains me to say it. It pains me to think of it.
He will beat this, I will beat this. WE will beat this together, and we'll be just as amazing as we ever were.
Comments:
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But I think that you are stronger than you realize. You have a plan and is seems you know what to do. You just have to step outside your comfort zone. I can tell that you realize that this is not the example that you want to set for your boys. Have you tried video-taping him when he is doing these things? Maybe seeing himself in living color might help him realize that it's no way to live. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you continue to build your strength while fighting for your marriage.
((HUGS)))
I'm sorry Kat. Don't tear yourself down. You're MUCH stronger than you give yourself credit for!
He can't quit on his own because he is addicted to the alchohol. I think talking to his family is a really good idea. Then I think you should all talk to him together--it's called an intervention. He needs help to quit and more than likely, he will need to go to a rehab place where he can't get his alchohol. If he's drinking that much hard liquor, he's risking some pretty serious effects to his health, not to mention to your and your children's mental and emotional health. I wish you the best and I appreciate your resolve to get him the help he needs. God bless!
I also went to alanon when I was younger because of my mom's painkiller addiction.
I hope for your sake and the boys that he realizes something HAS to change. <3
NannyB., I don't want to sound rude - but...you've pretty much stated what I already know. Obviously he's addicted, that's no joke. I've been with him for nearly 5 years...I know. I know what an intervention is, I think anyone that has ever dealt with any sort of addiction knows what it is. Of COURSE it has health consequences, you'd be stupid to think that it didn't.
Laying out the obvious isn't helpful, it's just aggravating. But thank you for your kindness.
Kat...unfortunatley i've been surrounded by addiction my entire life. I know the pain I know the aggravation...I know it all. You do know what you have to do, you are a smart woman. It can be so hard to do the one thing that may help them...to quit enabling...Its so hard to think that someone you love so much will choose drugs/alcohol over you.
You are so brave to face this head on. Its going to be so hard, but you have it in you. You know its time to get tough...for you, him, and most of all your beautiful kids.
Hopefully you can find a good rehab for him to go to...My sister in law (whos more like a sister) is now been clean for a year. It took two trips to rehab and living in a sober living home for a year. and she has to work on her sobriety every day of her life.
If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate, I wont judge you or your husband, i'll just be a shoulder.
Alcohol is the hardest addiction to beat, and the withdrawls are the worst, so I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Rachelle, he's already suffered through half of the withdrawals while cutting down to a handle a week. He used to be so much worse, and when he cut down there were cold sweats, shakes, headaches, moodswings, etc. i know that getting him to quit is going to be a hard fought battle....and I wouldn't even care if he had one drink on a weekend night....but it would make him want more. If he could control it, we wouldn't be here - but he can't.
Yeah the thing with addicts is that they can't have "one drink" infact its best that they have no drugs or alcohol at all. Just get tough and hang in there...and make sure you go to some meetings too.
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Oh Kat, I had no idea. I have been going to Alanon for 16 yrs. I can not deal with alcoholism either. There is nothing that YOU can do until you help YOU deal with it. There are more of us out there like you than you could imagine. Stay strong, stay firm and do not waver. I am out here if you feel like chatting............
- belladonna777
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