We have come to a point in or relationship that there no easy answers. You ask if I want to be married to you, but it's not as simple as yes or no. I truely have no answer. When I think about my futur your always who I see by myside, but is it because your all I know? IDK. I picture no one else but you, but at the same time it's hard for me to feel happy. I know I've done my share to screw this up, but you helped. You can keep blaming me, and say i want to put it off on you. Fine I'll be the bad guy. IN reality after what happened with you and you know who was the day I died inside, and stoped living for us. It's not fair to you or me, but I wanted so much for us to be a family. How can we if we're both not into the marriage. Your looking over my shoulder and covering your tracks. I don't realy check-up on you anymore mostly because I don't care. I'm sick of hurting. Your waiting for the other shoe to fall well so am I. I'm waiting for the next blow. The next thing that will rock my world, and I don't want to know anymore. I'm not strong enough anymore. I know you think I love to be miserable, but I promise I'm not. I wish there was no more of the feelings I have. I wish I didn't feel like I'd love to OD on anti-depressants. I hate my life. I hate what we have become. I hate that sometimes I sit in the car because I don't wanna come in. I hate that I can't scream at you. And tell you all the things I want to say. I want to tell you all the things that say that rip my heart out. Ya I guess I do like to hold onto my misery, but I never get to let it out. If I told you the things I really thought about the the things you do and say to me it would be you devestated not me. Your right we were kids when we got married, and we are not anymore. Especially me. I don't find your little things as endearing as I once did. I despice some of them now. I feel like maybe we should take a break from one another. I need to breathe again. I need to find what I want from our marriage, and fall in love with you again. Unconditionally. And you need to trust in me again, and learn the person I now am not who I was. We have kids though and I think of them and know it would crush them not to have you, so I do what's best for them. Because I don't matter only them. They are my only sunshine in my thunderstorm. One day I will have the voice to tell you how you have hurt me so much. One day I will stop letting you blame me for my misery. One day I'll be strong. One day I will be happy again, and I hope it won't be too late to be happy with you.
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