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Somebody said, "It wasn't meant to be."
- Jan 14, 2009 at 11:17 PM
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On December 17th, 2008 I got a little suprise! We were pregnant once again! Josh still had 3 days left at work, and needless to say I was a bit nervous to tell him of the news. We hadn't planned on having another any time soon. If left up to Josh, we probably wouldn't have another. I was so nervous but at the same time I couldn't help but grow more and more excited with each passing day. The next day, I went ahead and went to the dr. I had my bloodwork that afternoon and went to the dr. office afterwards. My levels were good, and judging by my levels and my LMP my due date would be August 21, 2009. I was excited, Josh's birthday is in August as well. At that time I wasn't quite 5 weeks pregnant yet. So, we scheduled my first u/s for December 30th, in hopes that we would be able to see something before Josh went back to work. If not, we would go again when he got back. I also scheduled my follow up dr. appt that day too. I would be returning Jan 16th. I nervously awaited Thursday and Josh's return home. When he came in Thursday I wasn't quite sure how I was going to break the news. All I wanted was for him to be happy, but in the back of my mind I had the feeling that he wouldn't be so ecstatic about the idea. So, I waited around for a little while and then finally I was like..so I have some news. He looked at me and was like who is it about, I said us...he looked down and then back at me and was like your pregnant....I am I replied. He just put his hands over his face for a moment then looked back at me and said, Adrianne I'm not ready for this. I hugged him and I told him I knew that and that it would all be ok...God wouldn't give us something he knew we couldn't handle. He took a deep breath..held me and then said ok...it'll be ok. He then began to call his family members and tell them about our news. They were all happy for us and very supportive, and I also think that helped him to realize that everything was going to be alright. In the next few days he really began to warm up to the idea and we talked about things like furniture for the baby room, how we would manuver the things in our house to accomadate another little one, names, and the hopes that it would be our little girl. We even cracked jokes that Logan would have to drive his little brother or little sister to school, and the things Logan would want to do but that he'd have to take his sibling with him. Christmas came and we had a great day..people asked Josh how he was, and he told them he was ready, he just had to accept what is and he had 9 months to prepare. Things were how I wanted them to be. We were fixing to complete our family...a lot sooner than planned..but in 9 months we were going to have the last member to our family. After Christmas we awaited the day of the u/s in hopes that we would get to see our little one. December 30th came, bright and early, mom kept Logan for us and we headed to the hospital...late as always. We registered then went back to X-Ray. After waiting for a little while the u/s tech came and got us. We went back and got ready for the u/s. She came in and started...the whole time asking me about any previous pregnancies, how this one was going, just routine questions. She asked if I was sure of my LMP date and I said I was...she then told us that our dates must be off because I was measuring a week behind. I should have been 6weeks and 4 days but was measuring 5 weeks and 4days...no big deal..she says this is normal. She also said there was nothing there for us to see and that is also normal this early in a pregnancy, and that they would probably schedule another u/s in a couple of weeks. Ok, no big deal...I got up and got ready and we left thinking we would return again around Jan 16th. We came home, enjoyed the last 2 days Josh was home and then saw him off again. He would call and ask how I was and how he "children" were...it felt good hearing that...I knew he truly was wanting this now. A couple of days after he left my doctor called and said they had rescheduled my u/s for Jan 9th... ok, but that's before Josh gets home...we were supposed to wait. I didn't question it, I just went along. The day of the 9th my mom, Logan, and Nikki went with me to the hospital. We were expecting to see a little peanut shaped baby and hear a strong heartbeat. We went back to x-Ray to wait, they called us back shortly. I went back and got ready, then the u/s tech came in. She proceeded to perform the u/s and didn't say much at all. She asked how far I was during the last u/s and I told her. She continued and a few minutes later said ok I'm done you can get dressed and come out when your ready. Ok? That's all? I got up and got dressed and looked over at the u/s screen. I should have been 8 weeks according to my LMP or 7 weeks according to the last u/s. The screen was showing me being 5 weeks 6 days. Huh? That can't be right... I was 5 weeks and 4 days almost 2 weeks ago. There still was no heartbeat, and should have been...and still nothing visible by u/s. So, I asked her if she could tell me anything and she told me I'd have to call my doctor. Well, my doctor wasn't in and just my luck it was a Friday. Josh called that night and I told him what was going on. He was upset, mostly because he is at work and couldn't be here with me during this, also because we don't know what is going on. So, I go the whole weekend waiting and wondering. Monday comes and about 1:15 the doctor calls and asks if I can come in at 4:00 that afternoon, of course I can. So, at 4:00 on Jan 12th, 2009 I return to the doctor's office. I go in and immediately go back to his little office. He comes in and the first thing he says is I don't have very good news for you. Great I think... I had been thinking something bad was going to come of this and tried not to get my hopes up...but once they say that it's kinda like a blow to the chest. I sat and mantained my composure as I listened to him tell me what has happened and how often this occurs and we discuss my options. I have a blighted ovum pregnancy, meaning what was there stopped growing at about 5 1/2 weeks. By my second u/s he said he could already tell that things were already starting to unravel and it shouldn't take long for my body to realize something was wrong. So, he said we should wait it out and see if my body would naturally miscarry on its own. In the meantime he was sending me over to the hospital to get bloodwork so he can see where we stand with my HcG levels. By next Tuesday he said, if you haven't miscarried I want you to go back to the hospital and have your bloodwork done again so we can make sure your levels are dropping like they are supposed to. If they aren't then they will have to do a D&C. So, I went over to the hospital, had my bloodwork, then tried to distract myself with whatever I could to keep my mind off of what my body was fixing to endure. Josh called later that night and I told him what we were to expect. He was really concerned and upset. He hopes that my body can naturally do what it needs to and I won't have to need a D&C, because he thinks that will be worse on both of us. So, now I sit here waiting. Waiting on what I thought was going to be another happy, easy pregnancy to end. The only concern we had when we found out we were pregnant again was this child also being born with clubfeet. But, we were totally prepared for that..we knew what we had to do...nothing new to us. Never did we think this would happen. I'm only 20..have one happy healthy baby, and had a wonderful pregnancy. I didn't think I would go through this. Now, I truly know that when they say no 2 pregnancies are the same, it's the truth. Although we never heard a heartbeat, to us our baby was still in there. When you get the news your pregnant you automatically start thinking baby. You get ready to hear the heartbeat, then to feel it move the first time, then to find out what your having, then you dread the last 10 weeks because you think they'll never end, then your nervous when your finally in L&D because the next think you know your going to be holding this little miracle. I was so excited for Logan to meet his little brother or sister and even more excited that they would be so close in age. They would have a bond like no other. I was supposed to have a miserable summer, all big and hot, eagerly awaiting the arrival of this baby. But, none of that will be. So, we wait... not knowing when what we don't want to take place will. All the while knowing that God decided he had a different plan. I'm not sure what that plan is and never will, but I have to trust that there was a reason for all of this...and I have to hope that when he is ready that we will be able to get pregnant again and have a happy, healthy, beautiful baby 9 months later. We will try again in a couple of years, when we are both ready, and feel it's right. Until then we just have to trust this is what was supposed to happen, even though it's something you couldn't imagine and never want to go through, we were meant to have this happen. As many people say, at least it was really early and you didn't experience most of the pregnancy before it happened. True I say, but still, does it really make it that much easier? I feel silly to cry, I feel silly to hurt... I think people will look at me and think, oh look at what a big deal she is making of nothing. But, I do hurt, I do want to cry sometimes. I was pregnant, don't tell me I wasn't, I did have symptoms..if even for 2 weeks..they were there. I experienced enough of it to know that it's something you can't just look at as oh well, back to my normal everyday life now. Of course it'll get better day by day...and when the day comes that it finally ends I think it'll help. But, until then I'm gonna sit here and dread the day...wishing it wouldn't have come..and nervously awaiting the unknown. After, we are going to continue to enjoy the time we get to spend with Logan, just the 3 of us. We are going to cherish every moment and every new little thing he does. And, we are never going to expect one thing, because as we well know now, you could be dealt something totally different. You never can truly be prepared for anything.
Somebody
Somebody said
it was all for the best,
that something was probably wrong.
Somebody said
it was meant to be,
Different verse,
same miserable song.
Somebody said,
"You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.
Somebody said
"It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.
Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors.
Somebody isn't a friend.
But somebody said, "I'm sorry."
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand when I cried.
And somebody always listened
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never again be the same
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I know how your feeling. I too had a blighten ovum... They didn't find it till I was 9 weeks along and my body was letting everything else grow except the baby. The ended up having to a D&C. We waited until I had my next period and started to try again and by the next month I was pregnant again with our daughter Maladie. Keep your spirits high and try again when you feel ready. I will never forget our first angels due date of Feb. 10, 2008. But God blessed us with a beautiful daughter although he didn't let us keep her very long. But now I am 20 weeks pregnant and I feel my two angels are giving us another chance. Keep up the hope. You need to talk just send me an e-mail I would be more than happy to talk about anything.. Sending prayers your way.....
- RaeJean1985
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