Getting over an affair

[christaberk]

In the midst of severe depression, there are several options. Some choose to seek professional help- go to a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever. Others choose to self medicate-- some go to alcohol. Others choose drugs. Some turn to internet porn. My husband chose the comfort of another woman...

"Get rid of his lying ass!" "Kick him out!" "You're better off without him!"...

It's one thing to be on the outside looking in. All that is easy to say. Heck, it was easy for me to say!!

And then, one night in Feb 2007, my outlook changed. I can tell you, from personal experience, that it's easy to say those things, not having ever been through it. Once you are the person crying herself to sleep, holding on to your pillow for dear life. Screaming in agony as you wonder what you ever did to deserve this. Watching your tears fall, one by one, as your life falls apart piece by precious piece. Trying to silence the thoughts in your head... THEN it changes. Those pithy little things you used to say somehow don't make sense anymore. Suddenly, it's your turn to hear those remarks, and you know that it's not as easy as "just kick him out" or "get rid of him"

Now, I can't tell you which is worse-- losing my mother when I was 23 years old, or losing my best friend at 26. When my mom died, it was horrible. I leaned on my husband most of all. He held me as I cried, soothed me out of the darkness of my suicidal thoughts.  But, once I discovered his betrayal, my rock was no longer there. I didn't have anyone to really turn to. My family was great, of course. My sister always lent an ear when I needed to cry. But, being 300 miles away, she really couldn't be as supportive as I needed. My friends were there, too. They took me out on my birthday-- the very same day I kicked my husband out ofmy house... they bought the drinks, and kept them coming. They watched as I cried into my steak at Ted's Montana Grill. But could they take the pain away? No. My in-laws opened their home to me that weekend, and took care of me. Made sure I ate. Made sure I got a shower. Made sure I made it to teh next morning... But did it dampen the pain? No. Only time helped... and time taught me that nothing can make the pain go away forever. It's always there. Time gave me a chance to learn to trust again. I learned forgiveness

I kicked him out. I saw a lawyer about filing for divorce. I did all that stuff. But, in the end, we're still together. And I'm happier than I ever have been. I forgave him. I still hurt, occasionally. But then I look at my husband, whom I dearly love, and I realize just how lucky I am. I have a man who, despite all the emotional turmoil, has changed his own life. He is now the huband I needed the entire time. Having seen he lenghts I would go to in order to keep my life sane, he knows that I am a strong woman...

I guess the point of this is, if one of your friends comes to you with devestating news-- her husband has had an affiar. You can say things like "get rid of him" or "you're better off without that lying scumbag". But please remember, it's different when you're the one hearing all that advice, when You're the one having to live with your decisions each day.

If your friend comes to you, offer adivce if you feel so led. But remember that, above all, it's more important to just be an ear. A shoulder. A sounding-board. Be sensitive to her feelings. And remember that she's the only one who will have to sleep in the bed she makes each night.

[ratchetlee]

Jan. 17, 2009 at 12:52 PM

Thanks for sharing your story.... its true - you never know until you are the one wearing the shoes.  Thanks!

[blondie171]

Jan. 17, 2009 at 1:14 PM

 Hi ,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it is painful.

May I suggest that you take yourself back to the time you met your husband.Think about your expectations of a husband. for example, the things that you wanted from a husband that would keep you happy. The good values and characteristic traits about him that you liked that would keep you happy  and stayed married forever.

  we all have good and bad values and characteristics , now measure both  the negative, with the positive ,for you and your husband. find out what  weights the most positive or negative .  now ask yourself,were your life styles  compatible?

If the positive values weighted more that the negative. There is a possibility that the marriage could have worked.If the negative values weight more than the positive, this is here we get stuck, we think that we as individuals can fix the negative that we don't agree with,things that we know will hurt the marriage, we can't fix personalities,,that is a person personality.

We as people at times don't think about measuring the dos the don'ts the wills the won'ts  we just get excited about getting married.

   Maybe the two of you would have never made it ,had you thought about all those elements in the beginning.

we think about those elements when their is a breakdown in a marriage. YOU are not to blame, he may not be either, could it be that the two of you don't share the same qualities or values in life.Qualities that are not balanced for your marriage to survive.  Values that are not compatible for yourmarriage to survive.

Maybe the two of you didn't realized this until after the honeymoon was over.

  Your husband is probably the type of guy that likes a variety of women, This could be his personality He won't realize until he's older that, a variety of women life style only last for awhile, he will get tired, he will end up with no one wanting him.

 You  probably are the ideal wife that will gives her all,  could it be that some of your characteristics  and values probably are that you are loyal and sincere.

.Are those some  qualities of your personality traits? If so ,you are to good for a man who wants more than one women.

You did nothing wrong.. it boils down to 2 people who are not compatible. He could be a womanizer, he will do the same thing to the next women.

 God loves you , he took that man out of your life for a reason

If you think about what I wrote let it fester you ill feel better. It's not your fault.Pray,God will send the compatible man to you.

Good luck!