Spiritual Abuse - An Unsafe Safe Place/Characteristics of An Unsafe Church

[Trust_HIM_Ps57]

'Spiritual Abuse' was a term that we had never encountered until three years ago and one that we only discovered after having left a church due to a very difficult experience. Spiritual abuse is arguably less recognised and researched than other forms of abuse but can be defined as 'the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person's spiritual empowerment, or someone using their power within a framework of spiritual belief or practise to satisfy their needs at the expense of others. These definitions show that spiritual abuse is like any other form of abuse and is about the misuse of power. However, what the definitions do not show is the personal pain and difficulties that people who have been spiritually abused experience.

The phenomenon of spiritual abuse may be thought to be associated commonly with cults. However, it has been argued that spiritually abusive practices are present in some mainstream religious churches and groups. The fact that people are in ignorance of it, or fail to acknowledge its existence, makes it very problematic for individuals who have experienced spiritual abuse first hand because they are unable to share their experiences with any degree of acceptance or understanding. For this reason it can be extremely difficult to identify abusive practices.

However, listed below are some key characteristics that can be found in abusive (unsafe) churches1:

Characteristics of An Unsafe Church

• Inability to ask questions or raise issues- If an individual raises a problem they become the problem.
• Lack of accountability - accountability suggested but not there in reality
• Increasing expectation of commitment
• Emphasis on external image- even if it is not reality
• Manipulation, dominance and control
• Social isolation of members from individuals outside of the church
• Obedience to authority in all circumstances
• Secrecy - over finance, decisions etc
• Emphasis on finance
• Misuse of scripture/pulpit
• The belief that the minister always knows best
• Fear of leaving
• Personal slander and subsequent isolation on leaving
• Loss of personal identity
• Elitism - there is no other church like this.

It should be noted that this list is not conclusive and each individual's experience will be unique. It should not therefore be used as a checklist to establish if someone has genuinely been spiritually abused.

Effects Of Spiritual Abuse

As stated at the beginning, identifying the characteristics of spiritual abuse does not convey the devastating effect it may have on the individual(s) involved. Both adults and children who have experienced abuse, in whatever form, will often be profoundly affected by it. It is difficult to adequately describe the depth of feeling associated with such an experience but it may well result in questions at both a spiritual and personal level. Individuals will often question what they now believe and who they are. They may feel a sense of guilt or confusion that they were part of an abusive church environment and question why they were not able to see the problems from the beginning. This can be disturbing to an individual, raising issues of trust and making judgements in the future about individuals or churches, particularly as the factors which make an experience abusive are often not evident for some time.

Appleton says that those who have been spiritually abused often experience a sense of loss, equivalent to a bereavement, feelings of disappointment with God and even a crisis of faith. One of the most worrying realities emphasised by Appleton and others is that many people, having experienced abusive leadership, will not return to church. Many others will find it difficult to ever fully participate in church life again. Chrnalogar (2001) supports the claims made by Appleton and suggests that when an individual places their faith in a pastor, if the pastor fails them, they can give up on their faith altogether. We can argue that our faith should be in God and not in man, but it is the responsibility of those in leadership to make sure this is taught and emphasised. If individuals are taught to focus on the pastor then they may experience a crisis or loss of faith when they leave a church.

Quotes from survivors of spiritual abuse express more clearly the effect of the experience.

• "I cannot express the deep anger this has left me with."
• "This place is like a huge machine that sucks people in, chews them up and spits them out again."
• "My husband finds 'church' impossible and has not been a regular attendee since last summer."
• "This experience can damage the way we see God so that we distrust him as much as we distrust our pastors."
• "I'm very cynical. But now, you see, I see a different side to people. I don't trust people, I don't trust people in authority."

The long-term effects of spiritual abuse should not be minimised. In our experience the process of an individual coming to terms with what has happened can take years and there does seem to be a process to work through to come to some acceptance. It must be noted that for many individuals this does not happen and they remain angry. Their experiences invariably raise serious questions about God and the church. Many of these individuals will never attend church again.

Spiritual Abuse and Children

It is interesting to note that there is a growing understanding of spiritual abuse within the church. However, the focus of writing and discussion is based almost entirely upon its effect on adults. There is little consideration about the impact spiritual abuse has upon children. Children will observe their parents or carers in extreme distress after an experience of spiritual abuse and this is often deeply upsetting for the child. Older children sometimes respond with anger. This can be compounded by their feelings of powerlessness in the situation particularly when parents/carers are publicly discredited.

It is the case that when a spiritually abusive situation comes to a head the result is often that the family will leave the church. It is usually the parents that make this decision and the children may play little or no part in the decision-making process. As already stated when people leave an abusive church situation, it is not uncommon to be ostracised by and become isolated from church members. The reality is that their children will often share in this experience. It is likely that they will lose friends and relationships, and stop attending other social activities, which may have been a core part of their lives. They may have little understanding of the reasons for this seemingly sudden isolation. Loss of friendship, even at a young age has been associated with depression and anxiety in children. The impact is magnified because often the family will have become isolated from others outside the church due to their increased involvement and commitment, and friendships within the church having grown in importance over time to the exclusion of other relationships.

One important consideration is the child's view of God when they have experienced spiritual abuse. Even young children are likely to be confused, but older children may well equate what has happened to them and their parent(s) with God's treatment of them. Indeed adults are often left with many questions about faith as a result of the experience - "Wounds are so deep and pain is so intense that large numbers have left the church altogether. It is not simply those who have been abused who have left, but also those who have seen friends and loved ones abused". Our personal experience has illustrated that older children are often left questioning their faith when they have been in a spiritually abusive situation.

As well as the impact on parents/carers, children themselves may have had direct experience of spiritual abuse e.g. not being allowed to ask questions and heavy restrictions on behaviour etc. I have read of a father whose children, after leaving a spiritually abusive church situation, experienced terrible nightmares. Any child in this situation will need time and space to work through their experiences after leaving the church.

It is vitally important that as our understanding grows we do not exclude or devalue the impact spiritual abuse has on children and young people. If we are to fully support people after such an experience this support must extend to everyone involved.

Triage!!  The True Mission of the Church!

[Kaliemx3]

Jan. 18, 2009 at 8:35 AM

Thank you for posting this!  It is a great reference to use self check for anyone who attends church. There should always be growth with you if your feet are planted on fertile ground. ***(((()))))***

[flowerpetal]

Jan. 18, 2009 at 10:54 AM

I went through 3 years of spiritual abuse before I finally had enough and got out.  I have a hard time going to Church now.  I can't find one that i feel comfortable in.  Maybe I'm just gun shy but i know I need the fellowship with others but am scared at the same time.

[Trust_HIM_Ps57]

Jan. 18, 2009 at 11:32 AM

I went through 3 years of spiritual abuse before I finally had enough and got out.  I have a hard time going to Church now.  I can't find one that i feel comfortable in.  Maybe I'm just gun shy but i know I need the fellowship with others but am scared at the same time.

flowerpetal Jan. 18, 2009 at 9:54 AM

 

I appreciate you stopping by and sharing, and so glad you got out!  I and my family (DH & 5 children) were members of such a church (every point in the list fit to a T!) for 13 years!  Everything we did was dicatated by, "What would pastor say/think/do?"  I may even post something I wrote to a friend.. about how our thinking was at the time I was thinking about leaving that church.  Of course, I'll have to change some names first before I post it, but it would show readers how things can be.

OR, better yet, I might just PM it to you, and others who might request.  I came out of allot of junk already, so it was like second nature to head right back into another "mind control" situation.  But thank GOD I had enough relationship with the LORD to see it for what it was... to stand against it (even when DH was fearful and angry over our leaving). 

It is very very hard to want to go back into another group setting, once you have experienced  such abuse.  I know your heart wants to do what the LORD wants... "Not forsaking the assembling of yourselves together."  While you're healing, and drawing strength from the LORD, you  can find ways to "assemble" with other believers... one way is through the internet... small Bible study groups, etc.  The LORD will help you and lead you!  This needs to be a time that you learn to focus on HIS voice, and hearing and doing what you hear Him saying to your heart ...as opposed to hearing a man's voice and his opinions of what you should/should not do. 

We didn't go right back into a church setting... it's been almost 2 years and we still are only easing back into being more of a part  of a corporate group of believers.  It's just that you have to be clear in your mind and heart that you are healing and hearing the LORD's voice!  Stay in His Word, you can't go wrong there! 

HUGs!

(Original Poster)

[Jesusiswelcome]

Jan. 18, 2009 at 1:54 PM

Thanks for the post.

We went through this for several years and like dumbos we stayed because we had friends there. When we finally started having dreams and then they were revealed; we left the church (organization). Later found out just how damaged it made our children. They never told us because they were told that Jesus would be upset if they told us and we all would leave the church. Not long after we left the church fell apart. Almost everyone had left and at one time it had been a functioning church.

I think it is important for believers to know that satan comes to church invited or not.

[Jesusiswelcome]

Jan. 18, 2009 at 1:55 PM

Also forgot to note~~~~~READ THE WORD and KNOW IT FOR YOURSELF!

[Trust_HIM_Ps57]

Jan. 18, 2009 at 3:50 PM

You're SO RIGHT!!  You have to KNOW it for yourself AND seek the LORD for interpretation and understanding of what it means and how it applies to your life!  He WILL do that, and desires to do so!!

Satan knows the scripture as well... so it's no wonder that "Bible-thumping" people in authority will emphasize reading the Bible and then plant thoughts in the mind as to what it means.  For instance:  We were told "do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together ...as the manner of SOME is!"  (And you KNOW who you are - if you haven't attended every church function!  And there were "church functions" every day of the week!)  They emphasized scriptures that talked about "unity" and being "a part of the family."  They created fear in the hearts and minds that if you forssok the assembling, GOD was displeased and you actually feared for your health, life, and salvation... because of how they interpreted the scripture!  The pastor calls "meetings"  ...and only males from a certain age and up can attend, and they were not to talk about what they discussed - not even to the wives!  And if we asked... well, we knew NOT to!  My DH still cannot verbalize to me what they talked about in those meetings! 

Other scriptures were the ones that talked about judgment... espec if you speak against anything the pastor of his elites do/did and call it wrong!  You are "touching GOD's anointed!"   "GOD" will kill you  AND your angels and throw you into Hell!!  This is only a few of the examples... besides that they taught what I call "backwards gospel" which is a works-based "salvation" ...hard work = man's (pastor/elite's approval) = approval to GOD = salvation!  BUT we all KNOW that is NOT the Gospel of TRUTH!!  We cannot in any way earn our salvation... we only are perfect AS HE IS PERFECT... because HE (True JESUS) IS our Righteousness!!  ...and our own righteousness (good works) is as filthy rags!  We only keep His commandments because we LOVE HIM!  We LOVE HIM... because He First Love(d) us... by sending His Son JESUS to die for us... while we were yet sinners!!  How AWESOME He is!!!!!!!  :)  

(Original Poster)

[Jacquij46]

Jan. 20, 2009 at 9:32 AM

I couldn't read all of this as it was a bit long for me but it is right on track with the churches today.  I too have been spiritually abused and affected me very deeply.  I do not attend church now although I have tried each one in my small town in England.  But Jesus is right there with me and has spoken to me in an audible voice 'The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not be in want'.  He told me the shepherds in the churches are weak and are not feeding or healing their flock.  I love Jesus and God has provided me with the right believers who love Jesus, one at home and what a battle it was to just come together and pray such opposition but also God provided me with the internet.

Jesus went to sinners outside of the church, to outcasts to heal the sick.  The church (the building) have cast Jesus out just like they did when He walked the earth.  I pray for everyone who is disheartened about this and pray for healing and love from Jesus now.  He is with you at home and everywhere you go He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Thank you for this post, sorry I will try to read all of it when I can, not very good at concentrating due to depression.  Very good post.

[MythicMMM]

Jan. 30, 2009 at 12:21 PM

this post may be just what I needed to help me start healing some old and deep wounds. thank you.

[Trust_HIM_Ps57]

Jan. 30, 2009 at 1:07 PM

You're welcome... if you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me.  Hugs to you!

(Original Poster)

[rjsudler]

Jan. 31, 2009 at 12:37 PM

Thank you for this information! I attended a boarding school where this def. happened. I'm going to post this on the myspace group for the school.