I am a lucky person, I have two wonderful children, parents that would do just about anything for me, I have an amazing boyfriend, I'm able to chase my dream and am doing well at it, I have many people in my life that love me and many people that would kill to be. I have God behind me and angels watchin over me. My angels protect me and keep me on the right path. After all if it werent for them I wouldn't be where I am today.
Yet I dont feel comfortable in my skin sometimes, I'm a mess, I sleep to much, and as much as i talk i dont seem to really say anything. The people who love me most and want me happy, I can't seem to talk to them and tell them whats going on with me I dont trust anyone and i should. I shouldnt be "broken" at 25. I shouldn't have been hurt so many times that I can't see whats right in front of my face, I know he loves me and i know he's there for me, but why can't i feel it? have i built my walls up so high that im not allowing myself to feel it because i know when i start to feel it i will get hurt? Do i know that if i allow my self to trust again i will get broken again?
How do i let my past go? being pushed around by men who say they love me, being forced to do things i dont want to do, being cheated on and expected to take it, being push down stairs given fat lips, black eyes, having to "hide" from my family and friends, men that have done this to enough women that they know where and how to hit you so it doesnt leave you bruised and battered but the pain is there, ribs cracked but no marks to show, being so emotionally abused that i was hurting myself, how do i leave that in my past? how do i let go of it all so i can feel what he is trying to give me and trying to offer me, he wants to give me and my girls the world, he wants us to be happy but how do i let go of the past to allow myself to feel that, my ex didnt start pushing me around until after 3 years and i was pregnant with our second child how do i know the same thing wont happen again? how do i know that if i stay in a few years he wont start to hurt me too? how do i let go of what others have done to me when the things they have done where so horrible?
Have you ever been pushed down a flight of stairs pregnant? have you ever had a gun held to your head and told YOU WILL have sex? have you ever been pinned to the ground, choked and kicked across the face? have you ever had your lip split open? have you ever had some one you are suppose to be able to trust rape you? Did I do something so wrong in a past life? what did i ever do to deserve the things that have been done to me? nobody deserves what i have been through and i know im not the only one that has been through these things, does it affect other women the same? somebody please tell me, is this normal? is it normal to not trust again when you should? is it normal to push people away when you feel they are getting to close? is it normal to be "unloveable"? and when i say "unloveable" i dont mean nobody could love me i mean i dont ever let some one love me if that makes any sense, i push them away, i fight i argue until they cant take anymore, i have been trying my damnest with him to not do these things and to let him love me and to let him hold me it was so easy in the beginning because i let myself feel it for a little bit and then i run the other way and find some one else to give me that love, and again i stick around for a short period of time and then i run again, this is the first time i have let some one get this close not only to me but to my girls, in over 2 years!! i have let 6 months be my limit and my running point and once 6 months rolls around i hit the ground running i find something wrong with them that gives me a reason to run, and really had i wanted to i could have found something wrong with him when that time came around, and had i it would have only been in my head, not to say that he is perfect but his flaws dont warrant running from.
what do i do how do i get past my past? how do i let myself feel love, i deserve to be happy and i know that but why cant i allow it?