She's NOT his grandma!

[sahm_of_rj]

I dont' know if anyone will actually read this, but just in case here's a disclaimer:  I have so much respect for those step-parents out there that come in and step up and become a real parent to their step-children.  My mom did it with my older half brother and he loves her as a second mom, and I have no doubt that my mom will be "Nana" to his kids.

That being said, here's my story.  My father had an affair when I was 14, with my mother's best friend. I was the one to figure it out.  After my parents separated,  I found framed pictures of the other woman hidden in his closet.  I wasn't trying to snoop - it was an efficiency apartment with a big walk-in closet, so we changed in there when we were going to the pool.  I saw the frames and assumed they would be pictures of us.  Later that week I was with my boyfriend and wanted to show him where my dad's apartment was, and the blinds were open and we could see the pictures sitting out on the bar.  Of course, I became very sad and withdrawn, especially around my mother, carrying this secret.  I felt like it was my fault - I was hospitalized and during that time he spent a lot of time with her, during a time when she had just happened to throw her husband out.  Her husband was my father's best friend.  The whole thing just sucked.  To top it off, they both drink more than they should, my father is a straight up alcoholic.  Probably helps them forget what they did....

My parents divorce was finalized in May and he married the other woman in July.  It's coming up on 12 years that they've been married.  Once he and my mom were divorced, my father became completely absent.  He didn't call, didn't try to get us during his scheduled visitation, didn't really seem to care.  Part of me wonders if my mom didn't get to the phone a few times and make it hell for him to call, so he quit, but that doesn't excuse the fact that now that we are all grown and have cell phones he still doesn't call.  A couple of years ago I made the committment to accept him the way he is and take up the slack by calling him once a week or so and checking in.  By doing that, I guess I passively accepted what he had done, and most of the time I can handle it.  But the big problem is happening now that I have my own son.

I have a mother.  A mother that they betrayed, who is still bitter and hurt to this day.  This woman was NEVER a mother to me.  But my father expects that just because she's his wife, she is my child's grandmother.  NO SHE IS NOT!  It's not like I expect my children to be anything less than accepting and respectful, as I have had to be, of her presence in their lives, but she's not their grandmother.  It makes my skin crawl when he calls her that.  It's like he thinks just because he married her, she deserves that right.  She slept with my mother's husband!  Why should she be rewarded by sharing the same position in my chid's life as my mother should have?  Emotions aside, I have a mother, she is my child's grandmother, and that's it.  As I said in the beginning of the post, if I had been young and this woman had played a key part in raising me, loving me as her own, I would feel differently.  But she came in and slept with my dad, while he was married, when I was a teenager and old enough to know what they were doing.  My dad is to blame just as much, don't get me wrong, but he's the only father my mother gave me - she picked him and I have to deal with that.

I was sure I was ready to just tell them what I thought, but when they came up to see RJ for the first time this weekend, I couldn't do it.  I don't see any way TO do it, without destroying the relationship with my father.  My dad only held him for a couple of minutes, then passed him to his wife (referring to her as "grandma" as he did), and then the baby started screaming as soon as she held him so I let her try to soothe him for a few minutes and then I took him.  That was it.  They drove 3 hours to get here and stayed less than an hour and a half.  Part of me says that the only reason I HAVE a relationship with my dad is because I maintain it, and I should get to do that on my own terms.  But I just don't know what to do.  I went from enjoying my father's company to being relieved that he got his visit out of the way and now I don't have to see him again until I decide I want to make the effort to go visit him...

I need so much therapy...

 

[Sophiesmom2008]

Jan. 24, 2009 at 6:27 PM

That situation sucks. Sorry, but it does. I would not let them refer to him as his "grandma" either. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Mindy